walking on

lately

2011-10-07T16:37:00.004-05:00

i have spent many days over the past seven months wishing this baby "done" and into my arms.... now with the time nearing a close, i have found myself in full blown nesting mode with about seven different "before baby" lists going :) we have decided to name this little baby boy ethan, with the middle name still in the works. aaron actually discovered this name while we were in the midst of some complications and not sure what was going to happen with the pregnancy. when i looked up the meaning for the name, we found out that ethan was actually a worshipper in king david's court in the old testament and authored psalm 89.... a psalm all about god's faithfulness. the name itself means strong and optimistic, solid and enduring, or permanent.... all the same things that we had been praying over our baby... we were both pretty excited to have discovered it :)

anna continues to discover new things daily, with her latest loves involving horses and babies and helping clean the house. she amazes me with her continuous energy and drive to give life all she has, her big eyes aglow and full of laughter constantly. she has now entered the heights of toddlerhood, knowing exactly what she wants at any given moment (and willing to do whatever she thinks it will take to get that!) and wanting to do absolutely everything by herself. at a little over 17 months, she decided it was time to start potty-training, and is well on her way.... i continue to pray that her independent spirit and strong desire to help will be a positive in a few months when i will cherish the help! she gives little ethan a "kiss" almost every night (which really just turns into pressing her mouth into my belly, blowing and laughing over the noise it makes) and enjoys talking about the baby... it will be interesting to see how much she enjoys the baby after he is no longer inside of mommy's belly...

we enjoyed many visitors coming and going this summer and then were able to take a three week trip to the states in september. although we literally crossed the entire country during these three weeks (we started in arizona, flew to new york to visit my grandparents, then to chicago to visit friends there, then drove to st louis for almost a week to visit friends and family there, and then a last day in chicago to see friends at a church there before flying back home) and were on the go from the moment we arrived (something that is much easier to handle without a toddler and 7 months of pregnancy), it was a truly blessed time in which we got to connect with many people we haven't seen in years as well as new people, all of whom were an encouragement to us in ways that cannot be described in words. although we are very fulfilled in our life here and surrounded by family dear to our hearts, there are times of loneliness and isolation that times of fellowship and worship with other americans cannot replace, and it was a blessing to have been encouraged in this way.

a couple days before we left for the states, our jersey cow gave birth, and we returned home to two gallons a day of extra milk after the heifer calf is fed her portion by bottle. i am so grateful that this came before baby when i still have a little bit of time to figure out how exactly to make the most of the milk that we have coming into the house..... i quickly discovered that cheese making is not my calling or love in life, but found that butter, yogurt, and cream cheese are not only things that are relatively unavailable in our area and high in nutritional value, but are also easy and profitable ways to process the milk to sell. it has been an overwhelming, yet fun journey to have begun.

leslie and i have also started doing a monthly clinic in a village near us called cruz chich in addition to the three weekly clinics. a completely indigenous village, it is extremely large and full of need.... amazing me actually with how much need there is there in spite of the fact that they are about 45 minutes from a hospital and about 30-40 minutes from us. we often see people from this village in our saturday clinic, and i have to admit that i did not expect that there would be much need for us to start a clinic in the village in addition to the people we already saw.... however, i was wrong. we have asked them to limit numbers to 100, but have easily seen 120 people each time as they always add "emergencies" to the already sold numbers. although the days are long, it has truly been a joy to work there and get to know these people and move ourselves to reach them instead of asking them to come to us. they are a very very reserved village and do not trust many people... after about 5 months of working there, we have finally started to see women and children (it is typical in every village we work in for them to send their men to us first to check us out, and when the women and children start to come we know that steps are being made), and the malnutrition and poverty we have seen has broken our hearts. with many of the men having gone to the states and returned with money, certain parts of the village are starting to raise their standards of living, but the signs of extreme poverty are everywhere... and we believe mostly stemming from the spiritual poverty that is evident on almost all of the faces we see. in this way, it has been a joy to not only be able to offer them a lovng touch and listening ear as well as a prayer when appropriate, but we have even had a couple people come back already and tell us that they know that they received healing due to the prayers they received! i have learned to be content knowing that most often in life the seeds that we plant are never seen by our eyes, but what a joy it is to be able to witness someone experiencing for the first time the sweet joy and peace that jesus offers, especially in a land where the people face such difficult and hard lives.

thank you for sharing a little bit in our journey of discovering more of Him and His goodness to us... i pray that as you read this, He has made His blessings in your own life evident to you as well!

below are just a few pics, but if you are interested, you can find more on our facebook page under katie eleiott ficker.

here's anna playing in the river on a hot day, and below you can see our newly finished dining room and living room...

here's our jersey cow and calf, and below is our first batch of butter!

here is a little baby that came to us malnourished and dehydrated... you can see her taking her oral rehydration solution through a little dropper as her gramma helps her

motherhood... again

2011-06-23T19:54:00.003-05:00

yes, we are pregnant again! (well, i am...). at 16 weeks, we are excited at the prospect of welcoming our second child into the world somewhere around december 4th, 2011! although this pregnancy doesn't hold the "newness" that my pregnancy with anna held, i find myself still amazed at the fact that God allows us to carry a life that He created inside of us for 10 months, even enjoying the fact that my belly has started to make room for and show signs of the little one within (despite the rising numbers on the scale!) however, if i had forgotten how exhausting first trimester pregnancy can be, i was reminded these past few months full force with a toddler in tow... hence, my current excuse for the long stretch in between posts :)

life over the past few months has been ever-moving as usual. in april, anna, i, duane, leslie, rach, grace and abi all took a few days in costa rica with hannah and matt while aaron, dave and joe headed to the states. it was great to see hannah and matt, catch up, and hang out on the beach a little. it was quite the experience for anna with an ocean on one side of the condo and an outdoor pool on the other side! i quickly learned how much trust and how little fear she has as she would quickly abandon the shallow "kiddie pool" section of the pool for the deeper end, even after a few dips with her head under... she would come up sputtering, but laughing and wanting more. we were a little more conservative with our time in the ocean as i quickly learned the equation that one 1 year old child + big waves + no fear = disaster :)

as mentioned, the guys took turns heading up to st louis to work on getting stuff together for the load, which finally arrived safe and sound (after many obstacles) in early june. (for the full story on all of those workings, please visit the ministry blog at www.adonaiinternationalministries.blogspot.com or the ministry facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/pages/Adonai-International-Ministries/152761264756336.) aaron was gone for two weeks, at the end of which i found myself with a new found respect for military wives with husbands gone all the time and a new found appreciation for god's grace over me that this is not a life that i have been called to! the load came down with a few pieces of equipment that have already proven to be quite invaluable in keeping the runway and local roads in working order during the rainy season, as well as construction work which always seems to find itself a part of daily life here. it also brought down various personal items (like furniture, motorcycles, dishes, etc.) for each member of the family, and in that way was almost like a little hint of christmas in june :)

with a new baby coming, we have also realized the need to expand our current living quarters. our little three room house (one kitchen, one bedroom, and one bathroom and alcove area for anna's room), which has worked fine for us and one baby, is somewhat resistant to another addition (even a little one), and so the remodeling has begun! our porch has been bricked in to create a living room/dining room with four large windows to still allow the light, breeze and gorgeous surrounding view in each day while still providing the homey-private feel as well as safety that walls and a door can provide with young children. this will then lead by hallway past an entryway into a new bedroom and bathroom that will become ours while the kids will take our old bedroom. all of my "inability to see things that are not actually in front of me/lack of decorating skills" have been put to the test, although with the help of those around me who can see things in their heads and some better home and garden guides and pictures, i have gone from overwhelmed to enjoying helping to plan and watch our house turn into a home a little more with each step. we still have a ways to go, and with the obstacles that often face us in our lives here, as well as the laid-back guatemalan mentality, it will be a few to several more months until we move rooms around, although the living room is steadily plugging along and will hopefully be finished shortly. pictures of all this can be seen on my facebook page (katie eleiott ficker).... please feel free to check out our home pics as well as some general life and anna pictures there.

our two jerseys have now become one, as one of them took a tumble over the side of a mountain shortly before she was due to calf. i did not realize how much of myself i had invested in little paloma (dove), whom i fondly called oma, until she and her promise of 3-5 gallons of milk a day were no longer visible from outside our kitchen window. aaron and ryan jumped into action immediately after she tumbled and passed away, even using their leathermans to perform a c-section (pretty good for two men who will not even come into the clinic on days when cconsults are in session), but the little heifer calf came out not breathing. so, after a long process of learning how to butcher (you can also see pics of this on facebook), the whole family has been enjoying her for her meat instead of her milk. i realized how much i have changed since my "coffee shop suburban college life" as i watched our dreams of a small form of income as well as the introduction and availablity of certain dairy products in our area be chopped up and placed in the freezer. however, it was also in that moment that i was reminded that God holds all life and death in His hands, and that His plans and thoughts are higher than ours...

and i have said it many times before in my life, but God continues to remain faithful and bless us beyond what we could ever deserve in all areas of life. throughout a few early pregnancy complications and some serious family health issues these past few months, God has continued to provide us with the comfort, love, grace, and peace that only a relationship with Him can bring, holding our hands and healing our hearts as He has walked through the ups and downs right by our side. i cannot imagine a life without His presence "to guide and to cheer" (to borrow some lyrics from one of my favorite hymns) each step of the way.

cut in thirds

2011-01-17T15:36:00.006-06:00

well, i knew that it was coming... that long-awaited for day by some, long dreaded day by others... i just didn't know that it would happen so soon. yes... drum roll please... anna is now walking :)

she took her first unassisted steps at a little before ten months, and was full blown walking a couple weeks later. while i am so happy to see her happy with her independence and mobility, and while i am also so happy to not have my fingers connected to hers as i help her walk all over the property, my free time has been cut in thirds (or fourths, or fifths.... or eighths...), and my multi-tasking skills (which i have realized were never really put to practice much in my single or early married life) have been stretched quite a bit... the thought "where is anna?" seems to run continuously through my mind no matter what i am doing, and i finally can relate to all those parents that we saw in the aiport on our last trip home that had their children strapped to their arm by some long furry chain coming from some fluffly animal shaped backpack on the child's back.

after a wonderful, although quick, trip home to see my family at thanksgiving, we were able to celebrate a beautiful christmas here with the entire ficker family (including new brother-in-law matt!). as it is guatemala - and we are the only americans that we were getting together with so we could kind of do anything we wanted - we postponed christmas until the 27th and none of the kids knew any different :) chaotic is probably the best word that could describe 5 children under age five and 17 people total all stuffed onto couches and chairs and the floor opening presents all at once with more wrapping paper on the floor than i have ever seen.... it was a blast.

sally and erv york, friends of ours from quiche, sent over a pinata for the kids to break open, as it is guatemalan tradition to celebrate with pinatas. while we all expected abi to be the first to break it open, it was grace who surprised me the most, hitting the pinata hard and solid with a very determined look in her eyes... i was pretty sure she took out all the things she has ever found unfair in her life on that poor little pinata!

and for the first time since i married aaron, i was actually awake at the stroke of 12 on new year's eve as hannah, matt, rachel, aaron and i all brought in the new year with the movie despicable me, 2011 glasses, and toasts with our cups of juice held high. not quite times square, but surely second best....

the new year has so far brought much of the same as last year in the daily aspects of life.... aaron continues to work on keeping the planes up and running, and i still continue to do clinics three times a week while he takes care of anna. the other days are filled with upkeep of general ministry and personal household needs, which seem to be the lists that can never be caught up with :)

however, the new year has also brought with it a flow of friends and visitors as we find it is easier to now count the weeks that we do not have people coming and going than the weeks that we do! in febraury, we will welcome back dr malachi courtney, our friend who has been down several times before; my parents in for the brithday of their first (and only) granddaughter; dr heidi bell, who will hopefully make it out for a day or two to visit after doing surgeries all week in chichicastenango; the allisons, in for a few weeks to help out in many ways; and norm and vickie sutton who will not actually be staying with us, but will be coming back to the orphanage in san andres after a visit home for the holidays. i am looking forward to a time of catching up on each of their lives face to face as opposed to the emails and other forms of communication we are often left with being countries apart.

here's anna playing in our little miracle of the day - a puddle after a light warm rain in the middle of the dry season... rainbow included. thanks, god :)

hope

2010-12-06T12:35:00.007-06:00

this morning we lit our second advent candle. and as i read through the reasons to celebrate advent and the scripture readings, i couldn't help finding my own heart filled with hope...

last tuesday, we had a lady come into clinic with four of her eight children. we have seen her often, and her story is sadly not that different from ones i have written here before. her husband left her for another woman, and now comes back only to get her pregnant before leaving again. we first met her when she came in with her youngest baby who we help with formula. a little while after that, we met her eight year old daughter, who is slightly bigger than her three year old daughter. after examining her, we were able to hear a slight swish with her heart beat and what we believe to be a heart murmur. although we are unsure of the exact type and size of the murmur, we are looking into getting her further testing as it is obviously affecting her growth and nutrition. so i handed this mama our last bag of food along with some milk and a protein substance for her three year old who is also showing signs of malnutrition, and knelt to pray with her. but i couldn't help but wonder yet again at the injustice and oppression that so many families here face...

yesterday in clinic, our last prenatal patient of the day was a young mama who i have gotten to know as she has come for her prenatal care. she always has a smile on her face, and her two daughters, although not richly dressed, are always clean, tidy, and happy as they bounce through the door, often singing and dancing around their mama's legs. she will quietly hush them, reminding them gently to sit quietly and wait while smoothing down their hair or patting their legs. one week she talked to me about another patient who was in distress in her pregnancy and i had talked to about getting to the hospital. this mama told me that she was a neighbor to the woman and that she and her husband worked hard, but got paid little and truly struggled to make ends meet; she told me that she helped the neighbors' two little boys with food often and offered her willingness to help however she could in getting her the care she needed. i had always assumed that this woman and her family had means, but yesterday her story poured out: she came in, pale and complaining of premature labor pains.... her smile was strained as she explained that she didn't feel well, and as i prodded a little deeper, she started to tell me how they were struggling to make ends meet and worried that they were also going to lose the house they were borrowing from a family member. their corn that they planted had all fallen over in the landslides we had earlier this year, and now they had to buy all their food and corn. with her sick, her husband had decided to stay back and help her with the chores that required heavy lifting (pretty much all of them - collecting firewood, bringing water up from the river about a half mile away, carry 40 pound bags of corn to make her tortillas with, etc.) instead of going to the coastal lands to find work. i reminded her that God has everything in His control - to which she agreed - and again bowed my head to pray as we handed her a bag of food. as i placed my hand on her belly, though, and started the prayer, i noticed the tears start to stream down her face...

and i wondered if this woman of God who has given so much to so many was now herself at a point where she wondered if her God of justice was truly big enough to take care of her and her family.... if she wondered if this God of mercy and compassion truly saw the helpless state of His poor children.... if this loving Father could wrap His arms around her and hold her close for just a minute and let her escape from the pressures that this life has piled on top of her.

because i would. and i do.

and then i read the reason for advent. the writer of the certain article i read about the place of advent in the christian calendar explained that in times past, advent has always had an element of personal repentance to it, but that the theme changed in the western church to emphasize the anticipation and the hope of the coming Christ. he reminded us of the mindset of the jewish people at that time... they were poor, downtrodden, and captives. they had a history of kings that led them far from God and made poor choices which led to enslavement, torture and death. they were crying out from years and generations of pain, sorrow, and abuse. they wanted a savior, they wanted justice, they wanted hope!!

and in the midst of that, came the promised savior. the author implored the readers to please not downplay what this meant to the people at the time. Jesus' deliverance from personal sins would come later on in the story with his death and ressurection (which we celebrate at lent), but for the moment, we cannot fail to ignore what the yearning for and coming of this savior was about; as americans, we naturally emphasize our individual freedoms -and that plays out in our faith - but these people were asking for a communal freedom, a deliverance from physical captivity, a breaking free from the oppression, justice for the house of Isreal and the people of Judah... someone to redeem them. no, it would not come in the exact way they thought it would, but that does not mean that the answer to their cries did not come! yes, later they would realize this in full as Jesus' life came to a climax in the spiritual freedom that was found in his work on the cross, but let us never forget that God's heart is also still filled with a zeal for justice, freedom, deliverance from oppression and abuse, and redemption for countries, tribes, families... all mankind.

so, i looked out my kitchen window this morning at the surrounding mountains full of people crying out for justice, for freedom from poverty, healing after years of abuse, and hope in the midst of their circumstance. people much like the people of Israel were so many years ago...

and just as hope came to Israel and all people, it comes to us again this year.... the hope of freedom, the hope of justice, the hope of deliverance and redemption.

all this realized in the birth of a little baby named Jesus.

may we never ever forget.

back to it!

2010-10-13T11:27:00.007-05:00

in a whirlwind of events, september brought us the happiness of a wedding and new addition to the family, and refreshment with family, friends and quality times of community prayer and worship in the states.

we were able to spend the first week in houston helping hannah and matt get ready for their wedding and meeting with family and a few friends. we enjoyed sharing with them in their intimate and simple, yet elegant wedding before they headed off to their honeymoon and we all headed up to st. louis. in what seemed like it could have been the set for a new reality tv series, all three of us families (ryan, katie and their two boys; aaron, i and anna; and duane, leslie and their five children) all stayed together in the three bedroom farmhouse that duane and leslie still own in marine, illinois; ironically, with all the craziness that these trips often bring, we saw each other less than we do here in our three separate houses! anna and i also got to head out to arizona to see my family there with aaron joining us on the weekend. it was a great time, with my entire family being together and my brother chris meeting anna for the first time. aaron and i also got to enjoy our first night out alone since anna has been born... i felt like we were first dating again, holding hands without having to adjust anna being held in the other arm :)

we were also able to visit the prayer room at our home church, destiny, and also a new church, goshen fellowship. while we are able to enjoy personal and family worship and prayer times here in guatemala, i always find myself in tears during the first worship service we join in the states, as there is a deep soul refreshing found in extended periods of worshp and prayer before God in my own language and culture. a good worship leader friend of ours who also comes down to lead worship here once a year, compared us to dry sponges as we worshipped with him that first sunday home... he couldn't have been more right in my case. what a refreshment it was to "get soaked" again during that month home :)

in an uneventful trip back, we returned home to guatemala on september 24th, with a few days left to work and visit with our dear friend cali before she left to go back to the states. we started clinic the day after we returned, and they have hit us full speed with 80 prenatal patients our second weekend back and over 100 patients in both canilla and san andres for a couple weekends in a row now. and the men are back into the swing of things as well... aaron finished up the cessna's annual inspection and is focusing on helping a friend of ours get his engine put back onto his plane this week. we have also had a few little babies in and out of our lives since our return... their stories can be found in full on the adonai blog (see the link under blogs i read).

at 8 months, anna now has two bottom teeth with teething fussiness leading us to believe that the top two are not far behind! she has perfected her crawl (although she does it with her own flare, often using one knee and then one foot to kind of propel her forward faster than if she were to use the two knees) and is now also pulling up on everything. she has quite her own personality and is very aware of exactly what she wants, which usually involves standing up and being outside. she also continues to show signs of being a little social butterfly, wanting to be where she can see everything and everyone, flashing her big smiles and loving to laugh.

and after hearing "see you on facebook" at the end of almost every conversation in the states, we are now on facebook - both our own little family of three under katie eleiott ficker, and the ministry under adonai international ministries. most of the daily happenings can be found on there as well as lot's of photos... or at least we are building up the "lot's of" photos part! hope to see you there!

website

2010-07-28T23:17:00.002-05:00

our adonai website is back up and running! please visit us at:

www.adonaiinternationalministries.org

summer

2010-07-18T19:18:00.005-05:00

well, despite the fact that the weather here never changes, there still seem to be different things that mark the changing seasons... here, summer always brings with it many new and familiar faces...

last week, two doctors from the states, brad and lisa broyles, came and helped out where needed, including regular clinics and a trip to the zona reina along with heather sutton and leann denlinger, two medical students also down from the states. we saw about 30 pregnant women, over 100 general consultas, and a lot of sick children. leaving with prayers for those that were sick, we finished in enough time to safely get two plane trips in and out before the rains hit, and realizing that we never would have been able to finish so quickly without the extra help. a huge thanks to brad and lisa, heather, and leann for all their help!!

adrienne orris also came down last week as rachel returned after a couple weeks in the states. we look forward to a couple more weeks with adrienne, heather and leann before ryan and katie's friend scott comes down for a visit, shortly followed by a team from real life church in washington state.

and then five days after they leave, we will be heading up to the states for hannah's wedding and then a month with friends and family! it is going to be quite the summer :)

with many returners and some new faces, we are enjoying the present fellowship, encouragement and help and looking forward to more to come!

anna just passed up five months july 11th, continuing to amaze me at how quickly the days pass with her in our lives now. she continues to give life all she's got, sitting up by herself for the first time a couple weeks before her five month birthday. she's still working on staying sitting up for long periods of time before she wants to head for her belly, reminding me that soon she will be crawling and i will have lost all ability to place her in one spot and expect her to still be there five minutes later! she loves to be outside, smelling (and of course eating) flowers and getting her feet in the grass and sandbox. she has just started to notice more the many animals this month, content to sit and watch the dogs and cat for longer periods of time each day. although she is still too small for her johnny jump up, we have found it a great place for her to "hang out" outside in the shade and look around at everything, but still be within watching distance for us.

faces of hunger

2010-06-24T11:37:00.003-05:00

they were the last patients of the day… a young little teenage mama and a little bundle wrapped up in her lap which i assumed to be her baby. and to be honest, i look one look at them and thought, “this should be an easy one… another tired new mama with a baby that cries…” however, as sally unwrapped the little one, i was unprepared for what i saw. before us lay a tiny little two week old baby, skin and bones, very dehydrated, that barely had the strength to move, let alone cry or eat. diagnosing their child with diarrhea, these two young parents had done the only thing they could think of and gone to the local pharmacy and bought up some commonly used adult cold and cough medicine, and another medicine commonly used here for diarrhea. further aggravating the situation, this poor little baby now oozed from all the trauma done to her young stomach. as we searched for a car to take them to the hospital where they would hopefully get the help needed to get their baby better (if the equipment to do so is there) and further exams and labs done, i watched the baby as she lay in sally’s arms, her face twisting in pain and hunger, praying that she would not take her last breath in our clinic. and i looked at these two so very young parents, scared and just as seemingly lost as their little baby as to what was going on.

saturday another little bundle was brought to us… this one with a cleft lip and palate. at three weeks old, sherwood brought him over to be weighed and examined before we started all the teaching that goes along with a cleft palate and lip baby. as the story unfolded, we learned that gramma and grampa had brought this baby in (as the mom was still in her 40 day postpartum period where they do not leave the house), and as the baby had not been able to suckle, the mom has no milk, and they had been bringing the baby to breastfeeding neighbors to “borrow” milk, allowing it to be squeezed into the baby’s mouth. and as we taught gramma how to feed the baby with the cleft palate bottle, and as baby sucked down the two ounces in five minutes flat, I looked into the face of this little fighter and into the faces of these loving, caring grandparents… neither of them complained about the injustice done to them by god or how hard it had been to feed this little baby or how he cried all the time, his little belly full of hunger… they simply accepted the gift that god has given them and patiently learned how best to care for him. and now we too will be able to share in this little gift’s life as we will continue to monitor this baby’s weight and health every two weeks until we are able to get him in for a surgery to have his lip and palate repaired…

and each week we continue to see mothers and fathers asking for food and/or corn to feed their families... still several months away from the september harvest that the rains from this year will hopefully bring, the pleas for help continue... and our pleas and prayers for a spirit-led ability to discern true need from lies continue as well...

i find myself now seeing anna’s face in so many of the babies that come through our door. and i confront time and time again what it must be like to be a guatemalan parent here in this country… the constant struggle for food, diseases, illnesses that are so curable in other countries, the accidents and injuries, drunken fathers and husbands and the beatings that are sure to follow, and mostly the lack of resources available to those who do not have the money to find and fund them…

such a need for education, such a need for discipleship, for care, for love… for god’s grace, mercy, and justice to rain down.

such a need for prayer…

"then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, i will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land. (italics mine) 2 chronicles 7:14

guate to the states via el salvador

2010-06-15T21:28:00.008-05:00

june brought us to new york state for four days for a family reunion so that we could renew our visas and anna could meet her great gandparents. however, what was supposed to be an easy there-and-back trip became a little more complicated...

friday before the monday we were to leave, ash from an erupting volcano outside of guatemala city covered everything in the city... trees, cars, houses, sidewalks... and the airport runway. saturday morning the effects of tropical storm agatha had already been pouring rain down and causing landslides throughout the country for three days, and weather reports promised that it would hit central america hard early sunday morning, closing down all central american airports as well. after looking into every option, we finally called my parents to say that it looked like we would not be able to make it… as it was such a short trip, it did not make much sense to leave too much later in the week.

sunday morning, we woke up to find out that the promised storm dissipated, and while guatemala’s airport was still closed for the ash, we found out sunday afternoon that el salvador’s airport had opened. so, with a hurried phone call to continental, we got the last two tickets on a flight out of el salvador ealry tuesday morning… now all we had to do was get to guatemala city by 7:00 am on monday morning in order to get a bus to el salvador where we could spend the night in san salvador and catch our flight out the next morning… which we soon found out was the same plan that everyone else trying to get out of guatemala had.

so, we got in our truck at 4:30 on sunday afternoon and headed into the city... we already knew that due to landslides there was only one route open, which is why we were surprised halfway through when we were not seeing many other vehicles coming from the opposite direction… until we hit stopped traffic at 7:30. as anna and i waited in the truck, aaron walked ahead to find out that about a quarter of a mile from where we were, there was a landslide covering the entire four lane highway. so we called to cancel our hotel reservations for that night, and settled in for a long wait… at 5:00 the next morning we finally started moving again… 2 hours later, we were through the landslide, which now had a space wide enough for one vehicle and about 8 feet high. glad to be through, but still at least an hour from the city, we had now missed our bus to el salvador. so, as we entered the city, i called into a couple other bus stations that we knew had safe buslines and one told us that they had the last two tickets available for a bus at 3:00 that afternoon. so we went straight there, and i stood at the ticket counter as aaron called to see if any other buslines had openings or earlier leave times. as i listened to the guy next to me spout off all the other buslines and how there were no other openings, another couple walked up to the ticket counter next to us… as i heard them ask about openings to el salvador, i quickly turned back to the ticketmaster in front of us and told him we’d take the last to tickets to el salvador for that afternoon! 6 hours later, we boarded the bus which took us straight to san salvador and our hotel, arriving by 11:00 that night. there, we got about 4 hours of sleep before hailing the taxi to take us to the airport and our flight out at 6:00. after a quick layover in houston, we got on our plane to nyc, where it was smooth sailing… until at about 20 minutes out from landing, the pilot came on with the announcement, “you may be wondering why the plane is turning around….” I could not believe it, but he quickly explained that we were simply going to be circling while we waited for clear weather to land. about an hour later we landed, and i finally felt i could breathe a sigh of relief… we had made it! now, all we had was our 5 hour drive to where my gramma lives :) arriving at about 1 in the morning, we ate up each moment with family over the next four days before safely leaving and arriving in guatemala city the following saturday.

and as we landed on the airstrip here in guatemala city, so ended one of those “glad we went, glad to be home” trips.

here's some highlights...

driving through the landslide

more landslide destruction

swept up piles of volcanic ash stacked up on the side of the road in the city

entering new york city
becca and anna in the town we were born in

learning how to make homemade macaroni with gramma
(my brother jon in the background)

four generations of catherines

my parents with the three of us

the ever changing life of....

2010-06-13T20:05:00.004-05:00

never ceasing to amaze us, little anna has continued to change and grow each day over the past four months. she is quite the go-getter, constantly moving and wanting to be in the midst of everything... below are some pics of her past couple months of life.

aaron's version of a swing created from anna's car seat hanging from his plane wing... his way of taking anna to work with him while i go to clinic

naptime with her favorite kitty

swinging on the hammock with daddy

posing

playin' in my walker

bathtime and more...

2010-04-07T18:18:00.007-05:00

talking to daddy

charming daddy
chillin' in my tub on a hot hot day

thinking about it...

...and going for it!

four to six weeks

2010-03-27T21:11:00.005-05:00

anna banana

2010-03-01T13:36:00.008-06:00

well, after 2 1/2 weeks of life, we are still pretty enamored with our daughter... thank god for digital cameras :)

in with a bang

2010-02-15T19:41:00.006-06:00

on thursday morning at 6:13 am, we welcomed little catherine anna ficker into the world, weighing 5 lbs 11 ounces and 18 inches in length.

my mom says that each of her labors with us were in line with each of our personalities... if this is the case, i am not quite sure what we are in store for with our little daughter anna :) being told by our doctor and our midwife that anna appeared to still be weeks away from delivering, i felt very secure waving good-bye to leslie that we had nothing to worry about and would still be very much pregnant when she returned from the states after helping katie ann during her delivery with joshua...

on wednesday night, at about 8:00 pm, i had what i thought might be a contraction. by 9:30, after having about a whole 5 of these, aaron asked me to call leslie and let her know. so, out of respect for my husband, but not wanting to make a big deal, i called her (waking her up), but asking her to please not worry... i was sure we had a long ways to go. at 10:30, i called my midwife and one of our best friends heidi (an ob/gyn who happened to be in guatemala for a week doing surgeries) and the three of us were all sure we had a ways to go, and told me to sleep through what i could and call her if i needed something. gearing up for a long night, we went home and planned on calling duane in the morning with an update. however, after progressing slowly and then seemingly stopping at 2:00 am, things started to change at 3 am, and by 4:30, i realized that there was a good chance that our daughter was going to be born in our house. as aaron got the plane ready to go, and duane headed over to our house with a birthing kit from our clinic in hand, i started to breathe and continued to breathe through 5 contractions as we climbed into the plane for a 25 minute flight completely in the dark, arriving just as they opened up the runway (which we didn't know had been closed for construction), climbed into a waiting ambulance, and arrived at the birthing center at 6:00 am. finally feeling free to push, our daughter arrived 5 pushes and 13 minutes later, perfectly healthy and absolutely beautiful. and so ended one of the shortest first time labors i have ever heard of :)

now we continue to take in all we can of our little daughter, still in awe of the miracle in front of us, and excited to continue to get to know her more each day. and once again, we are in awe of the grace and protection of our God that always seems over us... blessing us with the addition of little anna in our lives and always reminding us of His continuous faithfulness through so many of the situations in our lives.

we have so much to be thankful for :)

flowers in a sidewalk

2010-01-12T17:22:00.007-06:00

several years ago, i read a book called living the questions written by carolyn arends. although i read this book a long time ago, and have long since passed it on to other friends, this story in particular stuck in my mind, and i will attempt to paraphrase it here with as much truth to detail as i can remember. in one chapter, carolyn tells of her aging grandfather who was dying of alzheimers. she recalls how on a particularly "bad" day where he had not spoken at all, they were riding in the car together that afternoon when suddenly he broke the silence and sadness in the air with the quiet singing of an old hymn he had sung many times. she comments on how in that moment she realized that even through the hardness of life, the soul survives and will reveal a person's character even when all mental/physical capacities have been taken away. and if this soul has been nourished with the beautiful things of life, and particularly the Truth of life, then it will bloom forever no matter what the circumstances may be...

much like flowers growing up between the cracks in a sidewalk.

a few months ago, i wrote about a lady from tintauleu and her five children, struggling to find a way to make ends meet after her husband passed away from an illness, but holding onto her hope and faith in jesus and his promises to carry her through. i have watched and talked with this lady now for several months, coming in every two weeks to receive the food help we can provide her with, a smile on her face and laughter and giggles coming from her children, with her often bringing us gifts of homemade cheese (bought locally) and local produce that grows readily in her village. i have listened (through our translator armando) as she has never once asked for the food that we offer, but instead when i have asked how she is doing, she will tell me of the different odd jobs she has found, going to a town 45 minutes from her village at times to find work that will pay her in daily meals for her and her children.... no money, just food. and as she has described the work that she has done, i have watched armando's eyes grow wide and his astonished "really?" in spanish/quiche as he then turns to tell me that the work she is doing is "man's work" and work that even the men won't humble themselves to do most of the time. and i have been amazed and inspired by the quiet strength and happiness that emanates from this woman's very being. so, a few wednesdays ago, right around christmas time, we packed up a few christmas presents and aaron, armando, our friend oralia and i all went out to talk and pray with her, encourage her, and see how she was doing. when we got there, she was working at a house a little bit away, but we waited a couple hours and were soon greeted by her smiling face, her childrens' giggles, and a three liter of soda that she quickly sent her daughter out to buy. as we spent a little bit of time with her, aaron and i mostly just watching her, oralia and armando converse in quiche, i again was struck with how the presence of God just seemed to flow from this woman and her children. as armando and oralia offered to help her in different ways through a prospect of moving closer to town where her kids could go to school or through nutrition help for her youngest baby at the orphanage, i watched as she humbly, gently, and quietly declined, explaining that this is her home and that the most important thing to her is her children and that they grow up together and in their home... how her heart "would explode" if one of them were to leave... how they were doing well where they were at, making ends meet and holding onto God and each other through this time. and if anyone doubted anything that she was saying, it only took one look at her children - happy, carefree yet hardworking, giggling, playing with each other, and coming to give their mom kisses and hugs - to see that every word she was saying was true.

a few fridays later, i found myself in a setting that was almost the most extreme opposite of the lady in tintaleu that i could get. we walked into the home of a guatemalan lady we know in the city who has grown up in the kind of wealth that most of us only read about... family money that has been invested in things that have only caused it to grow, a house furnished with items that each cost more than our entire house and its entire belongings are worth, a lunch cooked by her cook and served to us by her servants. we sat at a large table in one of her dining rooms, and i looked around me, caught up in the artwork, the trinkets, the gardens, and the woodwork that created her home. i sat entranced during lunch as she told (in perfect english) story after story of a life of privelege with boarding schools in other countries, travels to half of the world, dinner parties where she hosted presidents of countries, ambassadors, and other high up political leaders... and yet, also a life of sadness with abuse and control by her wealthy husband who died a few years ago, a daughter who was kidnapped for ransom money (a plight that many wealthy in guatemala city face) and then murdered, the recent death of her son, who also got saved after a life of drug abuse on the streets of the city, and just the emptiness that faced her... until the night that she found God after reading a random christian story about 20 years ago and the nights that followed of secretly reading her Bible in her bathroom in the middle of the night to get around her husabands' threats of abuse if he ever caught her. and then i understood why her eyes beamed wth that glow of one who knows love and promise through each of the stories she relayed... why through tears of sadness, she could still look us in the eyes and state that she knew that hope was not gone... how she poured out everything that she had to offer us with a graciousness and selflessness of one that has learned to not hold tightly to the things that will be left behind when we leave this earth... how after 70 years of a life where she had all the worlds' desires handed to her on a silver platter, she had discovered that the only True thing in this world worth giving your entire heart and life over to is our Creator and Savior and his Word.

and for some reason, in the middle of this conversation, this little lady from tintaleu came to my mind, and i suddenly realized that these two women were not really that different from each other once all outward circumstances were taken away. that though they glorify god in extremely different circles and settings, they both have traveled hard paths, having loved ones ripped from them, fighting to hold on to the important things in life - God and family - even when it seemed impossible to do so, and how now their lives invite all to enjoy the beauty of life no matter where we are or what life is holding for us at the moment. they are a testimony to all of us...

much like flowers growing through the cracks in a sidewalk.

what's in a name?

2009-12-10T17:01:00.005-06:00

well, for those who voted and have been anxiously awaiting to find out what our little baby is (hehe), here is your answer!

drum roll please....... it is a..... girl!

yes, i was completely wrong, and have lost some confidence in my own maternal instincts - haha. while i truly was happy with either gender, i did not realize how much i was convinced that it was a boy until we found out that it was a girl, and suddenly i realized that every image i had towards the future, every article of clothing i had looked at, and every name that had run through my mind was all geared towards a boy! after also getting over my initial panic as i thought of everything that i had put my parents through as their oldest, strong-willed daughter, true excitement set in as we have begun to look forward to life with a little girl!

as we went through different name ideas, it was important to us that our daughter have a name that carried a good meaning behind it. leslie also lent us a book that talked about how throughout the bible times and in the hebrew language, a name is more than just a title for an object, but actually carries with it the "being" aspect of a person's identity and character. we loved this concept, and it encouraged us that much more to look at the significance behind the name that we chose.

so we have decided to name her catherine anna ficker, and we will call her anna. catherine means pure and also carries with it in this specific case the fact that she will be the fourth oldest child and daughter in a row on my mother's side of the family to be named catherine! however, we also have about a million catherines and all the variety of nicknames that go along with that on both sides of our family; we were unsure of what to do with that until one night we came across the name anna as we were reading the bible. a prophetess whose story is found in luke chapter 2, anna spent most of her life interceding in prayer and worship in the temple after she was widowed at a young age. she was one of the first two to greet jesus at a week old of age, rejoicing over the birth of the savior she had prayed for for so long. she is also linked to hannah in scripture (which also happens to be our anna's aunt's name) as in the same way, hannah spent hours int he temple praying for the gift of her son samuel. meaning gracious and merciful, we both felt right away that this was the name for our little daughter.

so in february we will welcome little anna into our life... only 2 1/2 months away and counting :) as her kicking and squirming becomes more and more frequent (and more and more forceful), we get more and more excited to meet her, see her face, and hold her.

thank you to all of you who have been praying for her... in times when we cannot see those we love, it is such a comfort and encouragement to hear of and feel their prayers.

p.s. the post below this one is also new and accounts for the long gap in my blogging :)

happy thanksgiving and a merry christmas!

2009-12-10T14:21:00.012-06:00

well, it has been quite awhile, and once again i rely on the excuse of busy-ness... however, this time, it really is true :)

the corn project has kept us all busily working away. i, along with much help from cali, learned all about the microsoft programs access and excel. needless to say, i went into nursing and not business for very good reasons; however, i now know not only more about microsoft access and excel than i ever knew even existed to find out, but we have also been able to slowly set up a data base that will help us know general information about each family as well as keep track of the ins and outs of who is getting corn and food, when they receive it, and when we need to re-assess their need. this took most of my free time during october and november as we set up, deleted, re-set up, and then entered in the 300 families that we had at that point. i decided at one point during those weeks - as i found myself dreaming of databases and survey forms that were being used to collect data and felt that i had not actually seen aaron in weeks - that this must be what cpa's do with the months of march and april... say good-bye to a balanced lifestyle, throw themselves into the work that needs to be done, and look forward to a vacation with family that i hope each of them have coming in may before a return to "normalcy" shortly after...

at the end of my corn project data entry push, came two weeks with duane and leslie gone to israel. i could write an entire blog about all that we are still absorbing from them and all that they learned during those two weeks. day after day, they found themselves in the presence of god, worshipping with other christians on their tour in the midst of holy sites that many of us have grown up reading stories about since sunday school days, and finding themselves overloaded each day with stories and details of the way that God is continuing to show Himself moving in israel through prophecies that are just now coming to be fulfilled. how incredible!

back here on the home front, we went into "survival mode" as we call it; this pretty much consists of sticking to priorities that are otherwise considered givens: a good day consists of each person being alive, unharmed, fed, and if possible bathed; school was taught each morning, with the promise of a movie if the two girls were able to sit still in their chairs and absorb at least 20% of the content taught to them during the hour and half (there are also many reasons that i did not go into teaching instead of nursing...); lunches became an adventure as rachel and i pulled out cookbooks and looked up recipes online looking for new experiments that could be tried on the boys while they were forced to be subjected to our cooking and baking skills... a successful lunch was one in which everything was eaten... a 4 star lunch was one in which nothing was even burned! we were able to continue with canilla clinics as normal, and we saw only emergencies and food/nutrition needs in san andres and chiminisijuan. we were able to fit into the week a trip to the orphanage in san andres, where we had a fun time making some picture frames with verses on the inside with some of the teen girls, and then watching grace and abi have fun running around with the other kids there. we also got to see heidi, making a drive to quiche to meet her for lunch... she was in for the week to do surgeries in chichicastenango, and it was such a blessing to be able to reconnect with this friend that is so dear to all of our hearts! while we missed matt and isaac, we are hoping that they will make it out for the next trip...

duane and leslie returned in mid-november and we had a quick week with them to try to absorb all that we could from their israel trip, as well as soak up some good family time before aaron, rachel and i all headed off to houston for a two week trip including an eleiott family reunion for thanksgiving (rachel joined us thanksgiving day, but spent the rest of the time with hannah), some time visiting with hannah and getting some stuff taken care of in preparation for our little baby, and then gettting to celebrate hannah's graduation with her on december 5th. aaron also took four days to fly up to st louis and drive the truck down to houston - this is the truck that duane and ryan with the help of some friends got loaded up with some needed equipment and the grain bins for the corn project down here. as all "vacations"/trips to the states are, everyday was packed with people to see and things to do, but yet somehow from the chaos, i always return refreshed and with a heart full of memories and stories of family and friends.

and we had much to be grateful for this thanskgiving. this season has historically been the holiday that my dad's side of the family all get together, and therefore has always had a special place in my heart... this year, almost 40 of us eleiotts all got together for the first time in 5 years to celebrate thanskgiving together again. it was an amazing time, as we celebrated new wives and husbands and the promise of two new babies the next time we see each other! we all fit into my aunt and uncle's spacious, beautiful home for a thanksgiving dinner, and i couldn't help but thank God for all the blessings He has poured out on our family.

as my immediate family got ready to leave, and i felt like i hadn't seen them enough, my mom reminded me that if we had a year together, we would still feel that way when we leave each other... how true. i then got to enjoy a few days of returning to "girl world" as aaron headed to the states and i moved into hannah's apartment with rachel and her roomates and enjoyed chick flicks each night, doing our nails, trying on outfits in front of the mirror, trying new hair-do's, and other fun times that were so normal to my life in college. i realized, though, not only how blessed aaron and i are to see each other daily down here, but also how much i am accustomed to and enjoy my life as a married woman... it felt like a month apart from aaron instead of only four days. quite a reminder to me of how much life changes you as i thought back on a time in my life when i couldn't imagine waking up to the same person every day... now i feel out of balance if i wake up without him beside me :)

we returned to guatemalan soil this past monday, sad to say good-bye to those we love in the states, although refreshed and ready to return. there is much to look ahead to in our lives, though, as we get ready to celebrate christmas and the new year, and then as february brings our baby and a new chapter to start in our life :)

i pray that you too start this new season refreshed and looking forward to all that it brings - family, friends, and mostly celebrating the birth of our savior.... the true hope of the world.

bridging

2009-09-24T15:35:00.009-05:00

it still amazes me how much one food product can run an entire country, and yet (as you most likely know by now) a shortage of corn due to a lack of rains this year threatens to place many families without food for the coming months. i have been amazed already at the people that have come into the clinics saying that they haven't had food for a couple of days or telling us that they expect very little or no corn from their harvest this year.

and as equally as this, i have been amazed at the attitude that people have towards it. i had a family come into clinic a couple weeks ago and tell me in a very matter-of-fact manner that they could not take their one month child with a 103 degree fever (and no sites of infection that i could find to treat) into the hospital for further testing and monitoring because they had no money... when i asked about how their crops were this year, i got an equal matter-of-fact answer that they had no crops because it had not rained enough in their area; when i asked about their plan? they would buy corn until they couldn't anymore. very black and white, end of dicussion. and i got the same response out of the other couple of families that i asked that day about their crops.

as we later discussed the seeming sense of apathy towards the food problem this year by even those who will suffer from it, leslie reminded me that this attitude is very much inline with the responses we get from so many women when we ask how many living children they have and they will tell us about the deaths of four of them with the same tone they would use to recount what they ate for breakfast that morning, and that what i can so easily mistake for apathy, often comes from the general attitude of acceptance of what life brings their way. i have many times noticed that whether they actually profess to follow christ or not, there is a seeming foundational understanding among all that God holds the ins and outs, the comings and goings, and beginnings and endings of life. and while in its extreme form, this can cause an apathetic attitude and a hardness of heart towards life, in many ways i have a lot to learn from this principle myself...

as i touched on in my last post, i am also reminded during this time how much the guatemalan peoples' hands are tied which further contributes greatly to this attitude that i can often perceive as apathy. what are they going to do? get mad at God for not letting it rain this year? that will not put food on their table, and the other responses are not options. there are no mcdonalds to go work at, no social welfare system in place to get money from, no secure job in place to pay back any money they could borrow during this time, etc. it is times like these that it is so obvious to me the reason for the big influx of illegal immigrants to the states, the reason that men will leave their families for months at a time to work on a sugar cane plantation, and even the reason for the problem among the men with drinking and leaving their families. not at all that i am condoning these responses, but i can see how without christ, one is left without the hope and security that fuels a moving forward in life. and in its place can grow a desperation and a giving up.

i have felt more at peace in these past few months leading up to this time that we are here for a reason and a purpose than i ever have before in my time here. i often wonder, and probably will until the day i leave or die, what our role here is... how we use the gifts, blessings, and responsibilities that god has given us to invest in lives and relationships around us... to help the people without enabling them. as i have become more and more impressed with the fact that we will not ever be guatemalans and that we will never not be americans, i know that one of our biggest roles here is to work as a bridge between here and the states.

we have spent a lot of time talking about different ways to help the people through this drought and have been amazed as a few people from the states have written or called wondering how they can help. as craig and leslie have mentioned on their blogs, we are in the process of trying to set up a system for distribution of cheaply bought or donated corn that we can have brought down here on a container. while this is still in the works, we have felt compelled to continue on in this as we anticipate a rough year ahead for many, getting them through not only this dry season where they usually live off of the corn that they have harvested from the rainy season, but also through the rainy season where they are still planting and growing the corn for the next year. as we move forward in this, we also know that this is not something that "the americans" need to be seen as doing, so we have talked to friends of ours in san andres about partnering with them to distribute food, clothes and other necessities.

it is also a huge desire of our hearts to partner with the churches. in an area that already has so much lack of unity and discipleship among the churches, our prayer has always been (and especially more so in these past few months as we have spent mondays and wednesdays praying over canilla and san andres) for more unity and for eyes to be opened to the needs of their own people here. we are in prayer over a time that we can get together with all of them and together come up with some ways that we can unite to provide help during this time.

please continue to keep guatemala in your prayers at this time. as the people here struggle through knowing where their next meal will come from, and we desire to carry out our responsilibites here with integrity and within what God has called us to, the last part of 2 corinthians chapter 12 has run through my head...

"but he said to me, 'my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness...'
and that is why, for Christ's sake, i delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. for when i am weak, then i am strong."

one woman plus five children plus no food equals...

2009-09-03T17:18:00.005-05:00

we first saw her husband about a year and a half ago when he came into our clinic with a large welt-like raised mark along the side of his neck, looking much like a nasty scar, thin and slithery like a worm and heading down towards his chest. he had been to several places seeking out help, but no amount of bloodwork or treatments had helped him, and he continued to get worse. we also were not sure what we were looking at as we examined him, so we treated him for a fungal infection and asked him to come back the following week, giving us some time to talk to other docs to see if we could figure out what it was. he never came back.

a few months ago, a woman came in with her five children in tow, aged 8 years old to five months old. she quietly explained to me that her husband and her second to youngest child had both passed away a month ealier, she wasn't sure why, and she now would like full exams for herself and each of her children to make sure that they were all okay. as the history behind their deaths unfolded, i learned that her 18 month old child had died of "diarrhea," and her husband had died of a rash that looked like a noose around his neck. i soon realized that her husband and the above mentioned man were one and the same.

they live in the village tintauleu... you may remember the name from martina's story. her grandfather was a prominent witchdoctor there who owned most of the land, and had a strong hold and influence over the people until the day he died. he had actually come to the clinic in san andres during his last few years and gave his life to god, repenting and turning from his ways... however, he returned a few months after that asking leslie how he could get the voices out of his head... the voices of the ones he had served for so long now. soon after, he returned to his witchdoctor ways and his visits to the clinic were less and less until the day he passed away. within the past three years, we have personally diagnosed at least three families from that village with aids, and as the numbers of people we see and treat from there grow, we often find sad stories of malnutrition, and the spiritual poverty is apparent in almost all who enter.

so, i started with an aids test, but quickly and gladly discovered that it was negative according to our tests. although obviously lacking in food, her children all appeared healthy, and when i asked her about a relationship with god, i saw the first smile play across her lips since she had walked in the door as she told me that her god had gotten her through and would continue to. praise god. it continues to amaze me the strength of faith that emerges in the midst of difficult circumstances...

she told me that at that time she had enough corn to get her through for a bit, and she soon after started working for a neighbor fertilizing his fields to make a little more money. however the work has ended, her corn is gone, and the past couple times that she has come in, their recent meals have consisted of a couple tortillas and herbs. we have been able to help her out with food through the nutrition program, but i am realizing more and more that she needs more than just our food... and i do not know what to do. we have always believed in the mentality of "teaching them to fish instead of giving them fish," and i would love for her to have a job that would provide a steady income, even if just a little bit. but as our rainy season has resembled the dry season more than the rainy, more than a few families are struggling to make ends meet, and food, jobs, and money seem scarce.

in the past couple weeks, i have searched out different microfinance programs and different textiles that she could make and sell, but the truth is that all of those options are jobs in and of themselves for the person that will set them up, and they require knowledge in areas that not all people (myself included) are trained in. they require more than just the heart - they require time, resources, knowledge... and as i already wonder how my life will change with the addition of a baby, i have been forced to face my limitations again.

i don't know why this one situation has affected me so much more than others... i think that i just grow so weary of watching these women and children come in with basic needs unmet, and watch them walk right back out the door into a world that has been so harsh for them from the beginning. i have no doubt that God is in control, and i have no doubt that He loves them more than i ever could... i know that He works miracles today as much as He ever did (because i have seen them), and i know that prayer is the greatest thing that i can do for this family and so many others. but i still cannot help but wonder why?

and as i am forced to acknowledge my own limitations and my own blessings, i realize that there is absolutely no reason at all that i live the life i do and she lives the life she does. there are so many things we hear people say, and if we are honest, we have all thought ourselves at times... "they are poor because they do not know how to manage money," "well, if they would stop having so many kids!" or " well, if they would just follow jesus and stop living in sin." but the Truth is that i do not deserve the blessings or the life i have more than she does... i have not earned it more, i have not worked harder for it, i have not sinned less, i have not been more pure, i have not been perfect, i have not always made the right choices, i did not choose where i was born, who my family is, or what my nationality is.... there is absolutely no reason, except for God's grace.

and while i wish i could end this story right now with a happy one-liner, the truth is that this story has not ended. she still sits in her room, working hard to make the beans and rice and oats that we gave her stretch over the next week, wondering when the next group will go to the coast lands to cut sugar cane on the large plantations there... a trip that she will make with her five children for a few months in hopes to be able to get enough money to make it through another year...

i know that there are needs everywhere in the world, and i know that guatemala is not without God's grace or hope. but i also know that "to whom much is given, much is required..."

and we, america, have been given much.

and not just in the areas of money... we have an education system that exceeds in fourth grade the level of education that these kids will graduate with here. we have been taught how to manage and critically think from a young age. we have been raised in a country that, at least as of right now, still acknowledges God and christianity above all other religions. we have a creative God who longs to use us in different areas of His body... who calls us and molds us and gave us a creativity and ability to give so much more to Him and those around us than just our money.

we have been given so much! what are we doing with it?

much thanks to all...

2009-08-29T18:43:00.002-05:00

one thing we have all realized as the blog world has caught on down here is that there is not always enough stories to go around :)

i am sure you have read by now the stories of teams and individuals who have come down in a steady stream for the past few months... each have been a blessing, encouragement, and new story to share in.

but i still wanted to be able to add my own thanks to each who have been willing to give of themselves this summer... your service will not go unrewarded, and i pray that you will continue to seek God with dilligence, obedience, and joy as you return to your life in the states... He promises to be found by all who seek after Him.

that's different....

2009-07-09T18:08:00.005-05:00

(please note that there is another new post below this one that should probably be read first...)

we had a freind heather sutton visiting for the past several weeks, and one of the things that she passed on to us (as passed on to her by her mother) was the phrase "that's different" in place of when we would be tempted to say "that's weird." and that kind of sums up some of the experiences i had this past week.

although i am usually prepared for the fact that there is nothing "normal" here in guatemala, there are some things that happen that i would not have ever expected even if i had been warned of them...

on friday morning, aaron walked out into the back pasture at duane and leslie's house and noticed that one of the calves that had been looking sick was not responding to the treatment they had tried, and was now looking near death, to put it nicely. while still walking enough to nuzzle me, she was extremely thin, and now had bloody stool (sorry to the non-medical or weak stomached people). so, leslie, hannah (from phone consults) and i used our "people medicine" brain and decided that she needed metronidazol and fluids. i half jokingly said to aaron, "i mean, ideally we would start an iv on her..." little did i know that less than an hour later, i would be out in the back field, hovering over a 200 pound calf, trying to figure out how in the world you start an iv on something with so much hair! as she was struggling quite a bit, and at this point couldn't even stand up, we figured that any efforts made would be better than nothing, and i kept feeling for veins and then sticking the needle in. finally, about to give up, i shoved the needle in as far as it would go towards what looked like a vein in her neck, and with only a bit fo the catheter left to go in, i felt the pop that meant it had entered the vein, and i got a blood return.... i was in shock. so, we quickly hooked up the "bovine" iv fluids that aaron purchased from town, and sat there for two hours while it slowly drained. i would like to say that all of our efforts were worth it, but about three hours after the iv was finished, we said good-bye to our new-found friend forever on this earth. i do have to say that those kinds of days do make me wonder what future experience that was preparation for.... :)

and saturdays clinic continued the weirdness... i mean "different-ness."

about an hour into clinic, a child got hit by a motorcycle outside of our clinic. in about five split seconds, we had a knock on the door, a kid being rushed in moaning, a mother wailing, and about 500 people standing in the waiting area, buzzing with questions and speculations. thankfully, there was nothing worng with the kid, except for a scrapped up elbow and a little scratch on his head, but it seemed to get the ball rolling...

while this was all going on, hannah moved over to help leslie with the emergency care (i'm not one for blood if it can be helped... i know, why did i choose nursing then?), i finished up my patient and took over hannah's. it was a young sweet girl who told me that she was here for an ultrasound to see if she was pregnant. i had her lay on the table and i got the ultrasound up and running. as i soon saw a little baby on the screen, i pointed to the screen for her and said, "here's your little baby." of all the responses, i was unprepared for this one as she covered her face with both hands and openly started weeping! unsure of quite what to do, i asked her if she wanted the baby, to which she strongly shook her head up and down in a "yes" manner. so, i placed one of my hands on her arm, attempting to give her time to calm down a little, but she sat straight up and put her head on my shoulder, weeping. as i patted her back, she threw both arms around me and continued to cry into my shoulder. (remember that at this moment, there is about 20 extra people on the other side of a thin curtain examining the boy who just got hit...) so, feeling quite awkward, but also being able to relate in my current condition (please see the below post for further explanation on that one) , i find my eyes tearing up as well, and we stand there, two women, holding each other while the patient openly sobs tears of joy, and the nurse tries to hold back tears of her own... different, but good :)

and towards the end of clinic, i had an older lady in her 70's come in, walking with a cane, and taking her time to sit down in her stiffness. as her complaints were listed, she pointed out her toenails which were in need of some good anti-fungal nail lacquer that we had just received in our clinic. so, i sat down on a chair opposite her and, with her feet lifted up on a chair between us, i proceeded to spend the next 10 minutes painting her toenails. as we continued through the toenail painting experience, she also brought out her glasses which had a lens popped out that i put back in, and then she told me that her birthday was coming up next week, and wondered if we gave out money here for birthdays... so, i informed her that "no, we do not give out money for birthdays here" (to her great surprise), and helped her out the door, ending a consulta that felt more like a beauty shop/glasses repair shop/chuck-e-cheese birthday consult than a medical clinic consult...

and so i am reminded that the differences often become the things that make us smile, and remind us that (at least in guatemala) there is rarely a "normal." how boring would life be if God had made us all the same? and not made some of us just a little weird... er, different.... :)

babies, babies, babies...

2009-07-09T17:04:00.010-05:00

well, after living in a country for three years where everywhere you look there are babies and the signs of new babies on the way, aaron and i are finally joining "the club"... yes, i am pregnant!
i am still very early, not due until february, and going through much amazement that something that is not even visible from the outside is effecting this much change inside me already :) we are very excited as this little one grows and changes daily... excited for when we can see some physical changes (which i am sure i will quickly wish would disappear), and excited for the day we will bring this little bundle home, while still seeking to take each day as the blessing from God that it is. what a testimony to the extremely detail-oriented and creative God we serve, truly knitting together each little baby, taking note at even the number of hairs on his/her head... (my paraphrase of parts of psalm 139).

we plan on having the baby down here in guatemala and then continuing to serve in the ministry as a family of three...

so, i am not sure how many people still read this blog, but we would like to find out the sex of the baby during pregnancy, and i thought it would be fun to put out a poll on who votes what sex.... any opinions anyone?

a message from the lord

2009-06-03T20:02:00.004-05:00

monday afternoon while leslie and i were making lunch, grace and abi walked into the kitchen where grace announced (very dramatically) that there was a message outside. "a message?" leslie asked her. "yes, a message" she said, eyes getting even wider and hands moving up and down at her sides for added emphasis. about to ask her what it said, leslie got cut off by abi, who (just as dramatically, eyes wide and head bobbing up and down) chimed in, "yes, a message! a message... from... the lord!!" so, feeling compelled to see this message as we now understood that it was not just any message, but a message from the lord, leslie went outside with her girls hand in hand to check it out while i continued with the lunch in the kitchen, anxioualy awaiting to hear what this message could be ;) they returned a couple minutes later with a package from the mailman (who had been waiting at the gate) and the message from the lord: "vendemos perritas." strangely, this particular message from the lord came in the form of a sign that rachel put out on the front gate so that passerby-ers would know that we were selling puppies.... :)

last thursday we went to unilla. we left canilla early in the morning, hoping to get a good head start, only to be detoured to a nearby village while we waited out the rain, forcing us to wait until about 9:30 or 10:00 to land in unilla. and it is still hard for me to not compare this place to san pedro since they are in the same area being a couple miles down the same river from each other. at first, this time was not much different than the last time there.... the children ran out on the runway with whoops and hollers, excited at the landing of the airplane, while the men stood along the sides of the runway, and the women hung back by their houses. the mayor had decided to go to a meeting in uspantan (a larger town quite a ways from unilla), so we were greeted by another man who was in charge that day, and leslie, craig and i started to get set up while duane went back for the others. shortly after the second landing, leslie was approached about a lady near there who could not leave her bed and had been very sick for a while (i won't go into details for those non-medical people...). so, while her and malachi headed out to see her, the rest of us hung out with the kids and waited for the people to arrive.... and hung out with the kids and waited for the people to arrive... and waited.... and waited. not that i am complaining about the wait... it was a very good opportunity to talk to some of the people there and play with the kids, but it was so different than the other medical trips that we do where people are usually lined up waiting for us to arrive.

and i do not want to sound like i think that we are movie stars here or anything either - needing people to be waiting for us when we arrive - but usually if a village has asked us to come do a clinic there, it is because the people want to be treated medically, and so they are waiting... anxious... often times pushing each other just trying to get a number to be seen and treated.

when leslie and malachi returned (their story is on the adonai blog - the link is on the side of my page), we were still waiting for people to arrive, and had decided that if no one had come by the time malachi and leslie returned (they needed to run some other medicine back to the lady's house), we would leave. so, the rest of us started packing up, but little by little people started to trickle in, until we ended up having a full-blown clinic that day and the next day.

as i reflected on it later, i realized that what bothered me more than anything about the whole thing was a seeming sense of apathy. but not apathy because they don't care, but almost because it was too much energy to move forward in the good things they had there. for example, for an area that has two growing seasons each year, we only saw one field of corn planted, and when i asked them if they grew anything else, they told me that no, they didn't want to grow anything else.... they would rather buy the vegetables from people who bring them in from other villages near by. they live right next to a river, but when i said, "oh then you must eat a lot of fish," they said "no, that's a lot of work..." and when a medical clinic lands itself right in the midst of their village (whose only medical care consists of two nurses that come out once a month to the government health clinic there), they waited until early afternoon to start trickling over.

and while this may sound weird, and i do not want to over analyze things, i felt like i was in the midst of people who had already been won over by another side.... their drunkenness on their sugar cane drink, the empty look in their eyes, their seemingly lack of desire to fight or expel energy towards things that will keep them living. and i felt like this must have been what it was like for some of the early missionaries who went into jungle areas that had never ever heard the gospel of christ... and i suddenly wanted to stand there for a long time, to live among these people, to get to know them and the answers to the why questions. to show to them the love of god over and over and over again.... the faithfulness of god over and over again.

and the verse that kept running through my head was, "i am still confident of this; i will see the goodness of the lord in the land of the living," one that has run through my head many times here.

and then i am reminded of the goodness of the lord that we did see... craig playing on a log and laughing with a bunch of kids early in the morning, leslie and malachi showing god's love to a family in all that they did for that lady... that family later coming to clinic and us getting to talk to them about accepting christ... and laughing with them. women and children coming, and getting to do about 10 ultrasounds, at least 3 of which had come the first time we went there... craig and malachi showing the jesus film to over 300 people.

and i am sure that there were many more things that i missed along the way as well.

because god is reminding me that his "messages" do not usually (although sometimes they do, as abi reminds us...) come tacked to our front gate, but that does not mean that he is not speaking to us or moving around and in us. through the scriptures he whispers to our hearts, the strength he offers us on a hard day, a kind word, a hand on our shoulder, god is moving, and god is speaking.... i am confident of this.

the question usually is whether or not i am listening or looking in the right places.... and what am i doing to plug into where he is moving?

so, while i cannot move there and live among the people as i desire some days, i know that our prayers are often farther-reaching than any acts we can do here or words we can say. will you please pray for the people of this town of unilla also?

the comings and goings

2009-05-08T11:17:00.004-05:00

life has continued to be busy, and we feel the loss of the allisons in many areas of life. they helped out not only with the many aspects of ministry, but we also miss our "gringo neighbors." we are thankful, though, for the season of time that we had with them and all that we learned from and with them along the way. from clinics, to bagging milk, to accounting work, learning the value of sabbath and slowing down, to late night capture the flag games, beach volleyball games, and sack races, they added a lot of good to our lives with their presence here... we look forward to seeing where God leads them.

as everyone has heard, we crossed a large milestone with abi's adoption as the judge approved her paperwork to become an offical part of our family! this was a huge answer to prayers, but duane and leslie continue to fight systems and paperwork struggles to help things keep moving... lets just say there's been lots of guatemalan hugs lately :)

the rains have begun to come a little more consistently now, raining the past three nights in a row! we are now hoping that the rainy season will start in full bloom soon and help bring down the high heat levels and bring some green to our corner of the world again. aaron, joe, dave and craig planted seed in our back pasture yesterday, and dave continues to get more calls for tractor work. i have forgotten how much your entire body can actually crave rain after the mini drought that october through april brings...

psator phil along with wade, vinny, and micahel were an encouragement and blessing once again this year. we were able to get out into some different aldeas as they preached in a few different churches each of the three nights they were here. it always makes my heart happy to see the different people that we see in clinics in the midst of the church services as well. while i am so grateful for the way that we are able to have one-on-one time with these people in clinics, i love the way that the body of christ can be seen in a tangible way as i watch these american pastors come here to preach to these same people, showing them the gospel of christ in a way that we cannot in the clinic setting. i know that this is how God intends it to be... we each play our part and He moves among each of our gifts to plant and cultivate the seeds that are planted in the people around us.

and we look forward to more visitors this summer starting with heidi next week! although she is not really coming just to visit us, we are claiming her for a couple days of visiting and with plans for a trip out to san pedro. we have continued to be able to make it out to this village about once a month and it is always a joy to work with and further relationships with the people there.

across cultures

2009-04-27T13:49:00.008-05:00

at the heart of all of us, we are all just people learning how to walk this journey we call life. it does not matter what culture we are from, where we live geographically, what color our skin is, whether we are male or female, we all have the same basic needs... we all have hurts, joys, baggage, gifts, struggles, etc. and i believe that at the core of all of us, we spend a lifetime learning the balance and the ebb and flow of letting the God who created us teach us the way we are to walk and how to move on this journey with each other.

i have reminded myself of this truth many times since being down here, living in a culture quite different from the one i grew up in. sometimes it is a hard talking i have to give myself to hold onto this truth in the midst of a hard situation, and yet other times, it is so evident that it would be wrong to try to deny it.

since i first came here, i have prayed for a way to reach out to and connect with the young girls here in our area for longer than just the ten minutes we get in clinic, and about two months ago, the opportunity arose right in our clinic in san andres as i sat with a young girl who had been cutting herself after a fight with her mom the week before. as she was in the local church, i already knew her fairly well and that she already had a foundation and the basics of a walk with christ. as we talked, our conversation grew from discussing some of the resources we have available to us in spanish to meeting together once a week to inviting some of her other friends as well.

and so now we have a time of breakfast and fellowship together before clinic starts on sunday mornings. although we have only met twice so far, i am reminded how much this is going to be something that i gain a lot more from than i can give to. the group is varied in personalities and levels of maturity, both in life and spiritually. they have already opened my eyes to many problems in san andres that i did not know existed… many things that go much deeper than simply “cultural” things, although problems that seem to be tied to the deep rooted traditions and sins of their ancestors here… many problems that seem to have been brought in by the influence of western culture…. many that are the products of a parental structure that places little to no value on discipline and kids that have never learned the concept of obeying.

and yet in light of all the things my eyes were opened to, i was reminded of the thing that i have learned over and over in my time here as i have listened to stories of abuse and neglect, watched customs deeply rooted in unfair treatment of women and children, and watched the far and deep reaching hold that alcoholism and satanic worship practices have over the men and women here. i was reminded that the first thing that and the most important thing we can do is pray.

pray and pray and pray that god will have mercy on us, that he will forgive us and our ancestors, that he will break our hearts, humble us, and then restore us to what he has created us to be…. how he has created us to live. that he will break that spiritual strongholds that are so obviously still binding the people of this area, in church and out of church… the strongholds that go back thousands of years to a culture, practices, beliefs, and people that i have only read about in the history books.

and this time with these girls has also reminded me how truly lucky i am that not only my family heritage is one of christianity, but my country’s heritage as well… a country that was founded on christian principles by christian people. i never realized any of this to the degree i understand it now… until i have lived in and amidst problems that are so deeply entrenched in the very beginnings of this country… satanic worship, poverty, malnutrition, abuse and neglect.

and i realize that this freedom we have in the states did not come by letting life just pass us by, but it came with a fight from the very beginning. i pray that we in the states are still fighting for the freedom that we have enjoyed... a freedom that came not just from being able to do whatever we want (our rights...) but a freedom that came from being founded on christian principles and seeking after our God.

and i ask that you would pray for this country as well. that we will fight in prayer for the freedom of the people here...

because we all want to be free, don't we?

some stories from canilla

2009-03-30T10:28:00.010-05:00

yesterday was one of those mile-marker days that i don't think we realized how big it was until it happened. and even though i cannot confess to a large natural interest in airplanes, even i felt a little of the weight off (most likely due in large part to the fact that i am married to the mechanic) as i heard the hum of not just one, but two aztec engines (complete with new propellors thanks to the help of our supporters in the states) start up and run fine yesterday afternoon. that is right... the long-awaited for, two year project is now in the final stages of paint and finshing touches! thanks to everyone who has helped make this happen!

and so as i quickly try to get a blog in on the final day of march so as to meet my goal of one each month, i look back over a month of much craziness. i know that god is always faithful and i know that he works all out for good... i know that every situation has two sides to it and that it is all part of His plan, no matter how hard or easy it is. and i know that even in the midst of pain and hardship, god provides us with many blessings and happy times. however, all that said, it has been a hard month...

we have started taking a break in the middle of clinics to re-focus and pray together before re-starting. it has been good. however, it also seems like god uses that time of re-focusing to prepare us for some tough patients.

i saw a young mother of about 24 years old who i was treating for a bacterial infection. while asking questions to rule out a current pregnancy, i learned that she had no husband, and that her son was from a man who had gotten her pregnant and then left her. at the end of her exam, she leaned over to my translator and asked her if i knew if she had aids or not. i have never had anyone ask me this question, and i was thrown off by it a little. when i asked her why she asked that question, a story poured out that left me drained as i could not imagine the life that this woman had already lived in her short amount of years. and with the inability to do the necessary exams from our clinic, i prayed with her (she is already saved and actively following christ) and made a referral to quiche hospital praying that she could get the necessary care there.

one young girl sat in front of me, silent tears pouring down her face as i told her that it looked like her second pregnancy was also now her second miscarriage. seeing her leave with prayers and a bible, i know that the only One who can heal her heart is the One who created it in the first place.... i hope that she also comes to realize that.

another woman told me that some days she just cries and cries over the death of her son two years ago and that her neighbors told her that if she continues to cry, she will make herself sick. she looked at me with a mix between despair and hope and asked me if this is true. another woman who is already in a relationship with christ, i told her that this is where god wants to meet her and heal her heart. relief flooded her face as she told me that that is what she thought too and then we were able to pray together before she left.

another little girl that had been placed in our nutrition program a year ago but had never come back, returned with her older sister and her mother. her mother's story, as leslie had written about when she first came in, is that several years ago one of her neighbors (who was also a witch doctor) put a spell on her when she accidentally let the cows get into his pasture. ever since then, she has completely withdrawn, unable to follow simple commands and constantly talking to herself and rocking silently back and forth. the story was told to me by her 23 year old daughter who remembers when this all happened when she was little. now with three of her own children, she is not able to help her mother take care of the littel children, one of which was a 15 lb two year old who sat quietly in her mother's lap with big round scared eyes. as the 23 year old daughter continued to talk, she revealed her own fears of her inadequacies in her ability to mother her own children, as she had grown up with a mother more like a child than a grown woman. i prayed that god would give me his words as i struggled to know what to say or do in this situation. as we concluded the consulta, and i sent a two year old home to a situation where i knew she was not being taken care of, i was overcome again with the blatant, gaping holes in the systems in the area of this country where we work.

and my eyes have also been opened in this past month to some of the challenges, struggles, and unhealthy habits that some of the young girls here face.... cutting themselves, bulemia, anorexia, becoming pregnant at a young age seeking to find their worth in the eyes of a man. now, i know that these problems are universal, and it was a reminder to me that people are people everywhere no matter what their skin color, race, cultural background, or family situations are... there are still basic self-worth and life questions that everyone asks. however, it also opened my eyes to some of the needs here that i did not realize before, and reminded me that there is never a time to just say "well, that's just their culture (ie: to be pregnant at 13 years old)." that god seeks to bring freedom and answers and peace in the midst of all cultures.

i have also been working on a trip to antigua to bring in three little cleft palate babies for surgeries. we have been able to send several of our cleft palate babies with another ministry that has been working closely with the hospital that does these surgeries. however, this time they were unable to make it, so we decided to bring our own in and "learn the ropes." and over the course of the few months of seeing these babies every two weeks for milk and weights, they each started to grow a place in my heart more than i realized as i continued to work out the details of the trip. so a couple weeks ago when i called to pass on the details to the parents of one of the babies that we haden't seen for awhile, i felt like i had been punched in the stomache to hear that he had passed away due to "fever and cough." it was a reminder that there are many babies that die of this condition before they even get a chance at life, of the needed education and better health care system here, again of the powerlessness that i have over so much of this life. but more importantly, it was also a reminder that god comforts those who mourn and that he uses that comfort so that we can in turn comfort those around us.... that He loves them more than i could ever dream of.... that He gives and He takes away in His own timing and knowledge.... that He is in control over bad health care systems and phsyical sickness.... that if he wanted to, he could have saved that baby in a second.

and on a more positive note, although one of the other babies was unable to go due to an infection in his lungs, the other one made it to antigua and through the system, and is now scheduled for surgery on wednesday. aaron and i were also able to stay here for the weekend and help out in clinics and with the aztec since the only baby that was going was going with a translator that had already gone through the whole process. we are hoping that the other babies can get into surgeries scheduled for may.

we also had a trip to unilla, another village in the zona reina. the three other blogs covered all the details and have many pictures. it was a very good trip over all, and the need in the area is obvious. like always when we are confronted with a new need, we are continuing to pray for god's leading and how we can make this work as our lives seem to continue to fill up more and more each day.

and apart from work news, we continue to enjoy god's many blessings with friends, family, and our little home. as we were waiting for things to pan out with the electrical company, aaron did a lot of research on solar panels, and they just finally arrived in country today! we are very excited to get it all set up. duane wired the house for overhead lights in each room, and an american who came to visit a couple years ago wired each of the outlets, so we are now a fully functioning electrically powered house! although aaron seems to be much better at having learned this lesson then i have, it was a testimony to the benefit of waiting for God's timing in everything. and although i never thought much about it when we were using them, now with a taste of electricity i have to admit that it is nice to put the candles to the side to be saved for romantic dinners only :)

we also enjoyed a nice day off last week in panajachel. there is a place for missionaries that has houses instead of hotel rooms, so we all enjoyed some good family and relax time in a house with a huge yard overlooking the lake. it was a very nice way to enjoy the sabbath day :)

and in the next few months we look forward to more friends coming and going. with never a dull day here, we continue to walk on, thanking god for the blessings and turning to Him in the times of hardships. here's a few pics.

the aztec, complete with two propellors!

above is grace and abi helping watch the goat that we took up to a widow in chiminisijuan

below is me and abi blowing out birthday candles... she was a little disappointed she slept through the first round...

above is aaron painting our bedroom

below is our dog cleveland and the boys and rach playing volleyball at "the local beach"

here grace reminded us of the many uses of orange gloves.... including duck feet.

and some shots from clinic...

be still and know

2009-02-13T19:12:00.007-06:00

one and a half months into the new year of 2009 and i sit here writing this wondering if life could get much better. sure, there are things i could wish for if i thought hard enough, and life has not always been easy or without changes and challenges, but i am learning that there is a certain level of contentment that comes from knowing that you are exactly where you are supposed to be and that God is working all out for good in the midst of it… a contentment deeper than anything this life can offer… a contentment which then allows you to enjoy the things that God has blessed you with in the midst. and even when "in the midst" isn't easy, and just when you start to feel like things are getting too hard, god seems to send little reminders of His love and grace your way...

this past month has been full. we have had many visitors that have brought encouragement and smiles, laughter and help. from preaching and leading worship to helping make meals to doing clinics to cleaning out dirty bodegas, each person that has come through has added to our ministry here in their own way. something that has been spoken to us quite a bit lately is on the importance of all of us working as the body of christ. down here, we get a very personal view of each person who comes through as we all live together and work together and often eat meals together, even if just for a week. through all the different personalities, ages, maturity levels, stages in life, areas where we live, and extremely varied personal life stories, each one brings with them a different glimpse of god's heart and how He has worked in their lives and is continuing to.... and how He takes all of our strengths and weaknesses to form us into the body of christ.

with the many people who come through, however, it is not often that we get to host a team of guatemalans. despite a rough start involving a 12 hour drive from the city, a team of 25 people arrived from the church el shaddai in the city one friday night to help us with our weekend clinic. spending the night in tents on the front lawn due to the fact that the "hotel reservations" they made somehow got filled with other people, they woke up early in the morning ready to start the day. many of these people had not been in conditions or areas like canilla (despite the fact that they live a 25 minute flight away), yet they came to serve god, the patients, and us... and they did. with constant smiles, good attitudes and laughter, we all worked from about 8:30 in the morning until about 7:00 at night. despite feelings of exhaustion that must have been there, they still took time at the end of the day to stand around us in prayer, praying specifically for our ministry and family and those that work along with us. i cannot explain in written word what it was like to serve alongside of guatemalans serving their own people with such patience and love and then covering us with prayers as well. they truly were an example of servanthood and an encourgament to keep perservering... i pray that this a connection we will continue to build on.

clinics have continued to be full of patients and challenges as well. the little hydrocephaly baby, who we now believe may have sturg-webers syndrome, spent about a month in the hospital where she had a shunt placed which got infected soon after. the doctor pulled the shunt and then was gone for the next few weeks, so baby helen and her mama sat in the hospital waiting. by the time the doctor got back, he did another ct scan which showed that the fluid on her brain had "spontaneously healed" itself. we praised god along with this mama as she watched her baby play and eat with an alertness she had never seen. however a week later, she came back to the clinic with her little baby showing again with symptoms that her hydrocephaly had returned. on a rollercoaster that we only catch the glimpse of, it is heart-wrenching at times to know how to comfort and really reach this family in the midst of this situation. not wanting to offer unrealistic hope, we struggle to know how much to encourage these parents to pursue exams and procedures that may or may not help prolong the life of their little daughter and would take money that they do not have. as her mom expressed to us a few weeks ago with tears streaming down her cheeks that they have decided to not pursue further treatment, we have now found ourselves each week, whether baby helen seems better or worse, praying with the mom and laying her baby in God's hands again, holding onto His sovereignty, justice, love, and grace in their lives.

and in a story that seems to be becoming almost commonplace, a couple weeks ago i was able to talk with an older indian lady who came in with complaints of not being able to sleep. the conversation led through her life situation and her relationship with her husband, sons and god. able to laugh over certain aspects, about 10 minutes into the conversation, she scooched her chair closer to flor (our translator) and leaned across the desk to whisper to her that her husband would not let her go to church and that he told her that he would kick her out of the house if she went. at this point flor and i talked with her about how god wants her heart, not just her church attendance, and, although this may be an important part of our faith and discipleship, not going to church would not prevent her from having a relationship with god. as we led her through a prayer of salvation, i prayed that her repeating of the words would truly allow the love of god to penetrate down into her heart. in a culture so wracked with physical abuse and addictions and hardened hearts towards the gospel, i am starting to realize that God is the only one who can truly effect the change that is needed... a change that reaches beyond a "womans' rights movement" or a weekend revival or a womans battered shelter and orphanage... a change that goes deep into the hearts of the people - especially the men - of this country. something that would at one time in my life have felt like "sitting back and doing nothing" now seems to be growing in my mind and heart as the only hope we as a people truly have... prayer. and not just lip service, but an interceding for the injustices we see and a searching out God's heart and desires for this country and His people.

and this takes time. we as a ministry and family have decided to make wednesdays our day of sabbath. when we first felt god leading us into this, i don't think that we all realized how important this was. however, as changes come and we grow and get busier, i am realizing that this is the thing that keeps us grounded. a day where we can clear our minds and heart before our god and also have have some fun and relax time with family and friends, as the allisons said on their blog... it is a day we all look forward to by the time it gets here each week.

and when things get crazy and it seems like it just may spin completely out of control, there is a time to lay down our weapons and to simply "be still before our god and know that He is god..."

in the midst of it all

2009-01-09T20:05:00.003-06:00

well, it is now into january, and it has been five weeks since i have written... sorry to those of you who are still following :) however, we have had a very good, yet very busy past five weeks.

we prepared for christmas by making all of our gifts. usually christmas shopping finds me out quickly buying some last minute gifts as i search for presents that i think those i know will like, often settling for a generic one. this year, i truly found out though what it means when people say that they have more fun giving than receiving. as leslie, rachel and i had fun working on different christmas projects, it was a way to prepare not only the gifts but our hearts towards the true meaning of the season... jesus and those around us.

and some of those gifts left the beautfiul warm guatemala and traveled to the cold land of the united states as aaron and i left to have a couple weeks celebrating christmas, new years and my brother's wedding with my family. although we were sad to know that ironically we would be the missing family members in this years' christmas celebrations down here in guatemala, we truly had a wonderful and blessed christmas season. we were able to spend a week with hannah when she came down before we left and although we missed katie, ryan and jacob down here in guatemala, we were able to spend time with them for about half a day in the states as they returned to the states and we prepared to return here to guate. and for the eleiott family, we enjoyed not only the time with family and celebration of the season with lots of food, football and laughs (in true italian form...), but also welcomed carissa as a new member of our family as her and chris got married on january 3rd. it truly has been a blessing to watch the two of them grow closer to not only each other, but also closer to god as they have already traveled through these past few years together. what a testimony and encouragement it is to see a young couple seek after God's heart with a fervor and passion to see His will done in their lives.

monday brought us out of the 12 degrees in the chicagoland and back into the warmth of the dry season in guatemala. and we hit the ground running as we had clinic on tuesday, three pastors from the states came down on wednesday, a pastors' day for guatemalans yesterday, a small trip to the zona reina and then into the city as the pastors left today, and then look forward to a full day tomorrow with clinics and a wedding of one of our worker's sons.

i am reminded that for those of us who travel between two countries and two families, i don't know that it ever gets easier as i find myself again with strong feelings of both the difficulty of leaving family and life there behind and yet the happiness of returning to family and life here. as i have faced the fact that there are parts of my heart in both places, God has reminded me this week that He is not only the One who calls us, but also the One who provides the strength, grace, and courage to carry out that which He has called us to. Our time on this earth truly is so short, and as we have hopefully let our hearts and minds sit in a little bit over the past couple weeks, we not only say we believe in but also give our hearts and lives to following after a savior who was born in humility, received little earthly praise or recognition during the 32 years he walked this soil, and died a criminal's death on a cross, misunderstood and also finding himself somewhere between "here" and "there"... longing to be with his Father in heaven, yet being faithful to live out the purpose he was created for here on earth as he longed for the people around him to grow in the freedom that a relationship with him offers.

yesterday, we were blessed to have about thirty local pastors and their families and about twenty americans join in a day of ministering and encouragement. it truly was amazing to be a part of as we helped to fill up those faithful ones around us who work hard to serve well the people god has placed them as a shepherd over. they do this work in a land often times defined by its spiritual darkness and without the daily encouragement and filling of other believers that it is so easy for us to take advantage of in the states. as we all stood in the midst of our living room full of fifty people from two different countries, all worshipping our God in three different languages and crying out to Him from fifty different individual lives, we united over one prayer that rung out through the room as we verbalized our cries to Him. please open our eyes and our hearts to those around us... bring healing to Your people... unbind the hearts that are bound by fear and hurt... send down your Spirit and refreshment to a dry land and people... renew us... love us... save us... may Your kingdom truly come and Your will be done on this earth as it is in heaven.

i pray that as we each walk on in the midst of life, both in the good and the bad, the cry of our hearts may be that His will truly be done in our lives and on this earth.

much to say thanks for

2008-12-01T16:43:00.003-06:00

thanksgiving was another reminder that people here do not always honor the american tradition of having a "day off" on thanksgiving day :) don had reminded us earlier that he usually worked half of the day on thanksgiving... this year we all worked half the day as well. if you have read the other blogs you will know that about an hour into our lunch preparation we got a call from san pedro where they were worried about a retained placenta in a lady who had delivered her baby the day before. leslie packed up, and her and duane flew out to help them... they found a perfectly healthy mom and baby, and quickly had the placenta completely out. offering the reassurance that andres and the midwife in san pedro were looking for, they saw a few more patients and then were back just in time to carve the turkey and finish up leslie's specialty dressing. thank God for His grace and protection over this mom, her newborn little baby, and duane and leslie as they flew.

meanwhile here we had another consulta... a little soon-to-be mom who came in bleeding at about 36 weeks. being a pretty cut-and-dry situation, we knew that there was really nothing we could do here and that they needed to go to the hopsital. after doing an ultrasound and finding a still living baby, i started to discuss with them the emergent nature of this situation and that it was imperative that they go to the hospital immediately. as i started in on all this, they got a phone call from the guatemalan doctor who works at the government health clinic here in town. he had seen them also and asked them to come here to get an ultrasound and then they would discuss it further from there. i was able to talk with him also, and we discussed the situation both arriving at the same conclusion that they needed to go to the hospital as soon as they could. this in and of itself was an answer to prayer as we always hope to be able to build a relationship with the guatemalan medical staff around us, and find ourselves in a position where we are working with them instead of against them. after i hung up the phone, lori and i were able to pray with this family, laying it all in God's hands again. we still wait to know the outcome for this young girl and her baby.

and while the women were holding down the fort medically speaking (hehe), the two older allison men and the ficker men were all working hard over at the airport to get things in order there with planes, motorcycles and septic tanks. needless to say, when we all were finally able to sit down to eat, it was a much appreciated meal and another testimony to God's grace and protection as not a single bit of it was burned despite the fact that i was in charge of watching over about half of it in leslie's absence.... yes, God does still perform miracles in today's generation :)

friday brought us to san pedro where we had a pretty low-key clinic, able to see everyone and be back home around 1:30 in the afternoon. we were grateful to find all of our patients relatively healthy with no major emergencies and be able to finish and return home in the early afternoon; it was also a sign that setting up regular clinics even a couple times a month is not a far off possibility if we would be able to do them in this amount of time... something we have longed for for a long time now.

clinics this weekend were also relatively low-key as we saw about 50 in canilla and an amazingly low number of only about 60 in san andres. also free of emergencies and too many complicated consultas, i was unsure whether to simply be grateful or take it a sign to pray even harder for the people that were not there; with the fiesta that was celebrated there this past week, we found many people passed out drunk in the streets and heard of at least one accident that involved the death of a little child. we had a conversation with a guatemalan friend of ours earlier in the week about this time of fiesta, and she told us that people will save up all of their money throughout the course of the year and then spend all of it - thousands of quetzales for each family - on drinking, new clothes and other things for the celebrations. please continue to keep this town in your prayers as well as the churches and leaders that they will persevere and stand strong in their faith.

as christmas now approaches even quicker, i pray that you find yourself surrounded by family and friends and the important things in this time of year, not getting too caught up in all the commercialism and materialism that beckons so easily.

sometimes you just have to laugh...

2008-11-23T19:53:00.009-06:00

today my clinic day started with a local midwife bringing in five of her patients to be seen. we see this midwife, who leslie has fondly nicknamed petunia, monthly with whichever patients she has decided to bring in. and while she obviously has a desire to see her patients deliver healthy babies, i am reminded of the times and culture in which she learned midwifery skills as she always helps me out with each consulta. this morning she placed the second patient up on the exam table and helped her get prepared for her ultrasound as i turned it on and started the exam. at the end, i was able to tell the patient that everything looked find with her baby on ultrasound and that she was going to have a little boy. petunia looked at me with a knowing smile and said, "i knew it was a boy also." surprised, i asked her how she knew. in response, she knowingly nodded her head at the ultrasound and said, "i saw it on there." too surprised to hide my amazement, i "congratulated" her and got the next patient ready. as i performed the exam, i was unable to tell the sex of the baby, but happily told the patient that her baby looked okay. as we helped the lady up, i heard petunia say the word "baronsito" (little man) in a quiche explanation, and the patient quickly turned to me and asked if she was having a boy. i told her that the baby wasn't in a good position for seeing this area, and i was unable to know what sex it was. petunia looked at me again and said, "i know what it is." again surprised, i asked her how she knew what it was. she once more smiled knowlingly and nodded her head at the ultrasound. now i was also smiling as i asked her what part of the exam let her know what the sex was. she then informed me that she was able to tell by looking at the head. before i could question it, she proceeded to let me know that if it was a girl, we would have been able to see hair that came down below her ears during the head shots; therefore, since there was no hair that could be seen coming down below the ears, we could safely assume that this was a boy!

yesterday, i led a patient to sit down on the seat of a pregnant girl that had just walked out of the room. as she went to sit down, i noticed that there was two safety pins lying there, one that had unclasped and was sticking straight up. i quickly grabbed them up, but turned to leslie and told her that this patient had almost sat right on the tip of this safety pin that had somehow ended up on this chair. she asked if my last patient had been pregnant and when i answered yes, she told me that they must have fallen out of her clothes as it is common for many pregnant women to pin two safety pins to their slip to keep their baby from having a cleft palate. along these same lines, i have also seen them put some type of metal, usually a coin, over their belly button to also prevent birth defects. i suppose that when it comes to the health of your baby, something as simple as pinning two safety pins to your slip is not a big deal in comparison to the risk you face should this belief prove to be true...

last week, i had another young girl come into the san andres clinic and solemnly sit down in the chair in front of me. without breaking a smile, she informed flor (one of our spanish-quiche translators) that when she smiled her "pulmones" hurt. while still trying to take in the full reality of the complaint, i realized even further that when this girl used the word pulmones - which means lungs - she was actually refering to her shoulders. i couldn't help but think of what a doctor in the states would have done if a patient had walked into his/her office and told them that when she smiles her shoulders hurt. i gave her some tylenol for her shoulder pain and told her that this would help with her pain and i hope she would be able to smile easier this week :)

and there are few things that bring out more laughter and smiles than a birthday party! last wednesday, abi celebrated her third birthday. we were all very happy to see that she made it to her third birthday despite all of her accident-proneness and non-food items she likes to put in her mouth. we also enjoyed the birthday dance (which involves hopping around the room on one foot), eating the pancakes and cupcakes after she blew out her candles (using a little more spit than we would have liked to see), and exclaiming over each gift she received. true to her name, meaning father's delight, she truly does bring joy and laughter to the room and seeks to make sure that you too are laughing as she now asks leslie if "her mommy is happy" before she admits that she has done something she knows she wasn't supposed to :) here is a picture of one of her happiest situations... a table full of family and a huge stack of pancakes with birthday candles!

calfies and clinics

2008-11-10T10:18:00.004-06:00

"for My power is made perfect in weakness..." sometimes we purposely put ourselves in situations where we are weak, knowing that this will force us to rely on our God. other times it seems like weakness is the only thing we have to cry out to our God from.

the house has somehow become full of babies... from little enrique to josey's "clan" of 11 puppies and the seven chickies pecking at the feed in the rabbit pen to the new calf born yesterday morning - as grace calls it, the "calf-y." it does seem that wherever you look, we are full :) benny - also called rotten ricky by some - is usually full of smiles and has shown himself to be a pretty low-maintenance baby, although always wanting to be in the midst of things and watch what's going on. the little calf has brought with it the promise of milk straight from the backyard (as soon as she is weaned from mom), and it has been fun to watch her and abi and grace as they are all smiles and laughter watching her learn to walk and nurse.

it has been babies and the promise of babies in clinics as well:

tuesday, we had a little boy come into chiminisijuan very dehydrated. he had been vomiting and with diarrhea for about three full days, and couldn't keep anything down, including the sips of oral rehydration solution that we were giving him. after unsuccessfully trying to place an IV in a few different locations, we told the mom that her child really needed to be in the hospital. after she explained to us that all the men in her family were working in the coast right now and there was no way that she could make a trip to the hospital, we told her that we could take her over there with the plane if she needed. she hesitated for a moment, asked for some more oral rehydration solution and then said she would go talk to her mother. she never came back.

although not a baby, we have been seeing an old man in chiminisjuan who first came to us completely swollen, with 4+ pitting edema up to his knees and ascites everywhere on an ultrasound of his stomach. after trying different treatments for about a month with him continuing to get worse, we finally decided to treat it as an end-of-life care type situation and gave him some ensure-types drinks and a bag of beans. two weeks later, he walked through the door with about 2+ pitting edema and about half the amount of ascites on ultrasound. another two weeks with ensure and beans and he came back with no signs of any fluid retention! we now can see that it was a form of severe malnutrition which is treated with high levels of protein.

and once again, this weekend consisted of clinics mostly filled with prenatal patients. the very first patient that walked in yesterday was a woman who was 17 weeks pregnant and bleeding. now i know that even in the states this is a situation where there are very very few answers, and so i - even more so - was left with no explanation or answers. as i looked this lady in the eyes, which were filled with questions and fears, i knew that the only answer i had to give her was to pray and wait.

and, while this again does not involve babies or clinics, it has been hard in some ways to be physically removed from our country during the elections... the emails and responses that i get down here are a wide range, from fear to tears of joy. i admit that i am not sure what to think, although i know that no matter what changes our country will go through, bad and good, we continue on seeking our God and praying for His will to be done and His grace to allow us to help carry it out.

and sometimes, like yesterday morning, it seems like all the situations over the week where you cannot answer questions and you are confronted with your own inadequacy seem to build up and create a type of exhaustion that seems to stem from the very real awareness of your own weakness. and i am learning that this is the time when God comes in - if you so allow - and reminds you that His strength truly is made perfect in your weakness... even when you are ready to cry in frustration over not being able to get an IV in on a baby that desperately needs it... or you are at the end of your ability to figure out what the little old man in front of you may need... or you have no answers to give the lady wondering whether her baby will be born a healthy little infant in six months or not make it to next week.... or you are unsure of what the future holds. thank God for His grace that reaches all of us and His power that thrives in the midst of our weakness.

welcome winter

2008-10-30T17:00:00.000-05:00

well the rains have stopped, the air has become cooler, and i instinctively found myself looking for the first snow this morning... i guess it is a little harder to break our natural tendencies than i would have expected after two guatemalan christmases. despite the need to pull out my old winter sweaters, the days have been beautiful with blue skies only dotted with clouds, green grass, the in-between of muddy roads and blowing dust, and the deep blue of the mountains against the afternoon sky. which has been nice for the long drives that this country often requires.

as anyone who has read rachel and the allison's blogs know, david smashed his finger last tuesday night while working on one of the trucks. after doing all they could here, we flew him into the city wednesday morning (another thank you god for the airplane...) where they were able to bring him into the OR under the care of a hand specialist who told David at the end of the operation that he should fully recover and there is a good possibility he will also get his finger nail back. now, almost a week later, he is doing well with almost no pain (well, he is a ficker man, so at least we get no reports of pain - haha).

last wednesday also found aaron and i in nueva santa katarina (about a four and a half hour drive each way from here) to help out again with one of agape's clinics. we have found the people in this town to be very welcoming and accomodating, and as we talked with the pastor/translator, we learned that this entire town had been re-built by the government after hurricane mitch came through 10 years ago. this was quite surprising to us in a country where government support is often subject to corruption and not properly delegated or carried out.

our very first patient was the mother of a lady we had been treating for diabetes who showed up last month 7 months pregnant with a history of ecclampsia and emergency c-sections with her past two babies. i asked her to come back in a month (wednesday) and said that we would talk with her again then. so, when her mom showed up, i immediately asked her how her daughter was doing to which she replied that she had delivered her baby by emergency c-section in the hospital after having started with seizures again. we went to visit her and her family after clinic, finding a healthy baby and mom, and very welcoming and fun-loving family. as i took her blood pressure (normal) and we laughed over some warm milk, i couldn't help but be amazed at the grace and power of our God as i left the home of a lady who had three healthy children, all who had delivered under ecclamptic circumstances, and all three born at least one month early.

yesterday brought us to chicabracan for another agape clinic. we have again found the people to be very welcoming and surprisingly compliant in taking care of their health. all of these clinics have been different than our weekly clinics, mostly because almost all of our patients are there for chronic conditions. i have been very surprised at their willingness to take care of their health, even having one patient come in yesterday who hadn't been sure when our next clinic was, but had asked around to find out the date for sure so that she could get back on track with her medication for diabetes. it has also been enjoyable to get to know these patients better since we see them each month.

in our own weekly clinics, we have continued to see about 230 a week. we continue to be thankful for don's help, as it has helped lighten the load for leslie and i. i was calculating the other day different figures for our clinics and realized that about 60% of the clinic here and 40% of the clinic in San Andres is prenatal care, and we have been having a growing number of prenatal patients in Chiminisijuan. again, we have found this to be such a wonderful way to build relationships with these women we see each week.

this last saturday, we had a young pregnant girl come in with her mom. after doing the girl's ultrasound, i turned to her mother and asked how we could help her that day. she told me that a doctor in the puesto de salud had refered her here for an ultrasound, but she told me that at 42 years old, she was sure that she couldn't be pregnant in addition to the fact that she had receiving injections for birth control for the past 8 years. i agreed with her as i put her on the table, almost wondering if it was worth it to even perform the exam. however, when i put the porbe on her stomach, i found not only one, but two heads and heart beats!! they each measured at about 15 weeks, only 2 weeks behind the measurement of her daughter's baby! i gave the mother the news almost hesitantly, although after the initial shock, she told me that she and her husband would both be glad to hear this news, and she laughed to herself and her us as if she still couldn't believe it for the next five minutes as i filled out her card.

in other news, we have started a new "ministry" blog, so if you are interested you can visit us at http://www.adonaiinternationalministries.blogspot.com/ or click on the link on the side of my blog screen titled adonai internationl ministries. we plan on doing weekly updates on this page, since we have had some troubles with the website.

tools in his hands

2008-10-02T17:04:00.002-05:00

this is from an update that i wrote on september 11, also published on our website. please note that there is this post and the one below.

She walked into clinic looking no different from many of the other woman who walked in that day. She had waited all day for this consulta, yet as my last patient of the day, my mind was already starting to think ahead to what needed to be done before we would get home and to all that waited for us there. She sat down in the chair across from me, starting her story with a sure voice. She was here because her stomach hurt and because she got nervous when her husband yelled at her. I smiled quietly to myself at her complaint as I checked her blood pressure and listened to her stomach. As I got ready give her the tums for her gastritis, I thought of how I would explain that there is no medicine for nervousness when her husband yells at her. So, thinking that there is really only one sure remedy for nervousness, I asked her if she was in a church. She looked down at her hands briefly, and then charged ahead (talking through Rosa, our Quiche-Spanish translator) with the reason that we so often hear. “My husband will not let me go.” As I was getting ready to ask her to explain further, she was, to my surprise, already talking again; she was not forceful in her explanation, but she was missing the apathy that appears to accompany so many of the talks about God that we have, and I was surprised by her willingness and seeming interest to talk further on this subject. She explained that she had five kids, would like to go to church, but was told by her husband that he would kick them out of the house if he ever found out that they had gone to church. Spurred on by her openness, I asked her whether she wanted a relationship with Christ. At the quick nod of her head and “yes” in Quiche, I ventured ahead carefully, praying that this woman would see the hope and freedom that Christ offers through the words that God would hopefully speak through Rosa and I. This is one issue that I have thought and prayed through many times, so I chose my words carefully as I tried to present the hope of a personal relationship with Christ in balance with the discipleship that church offers to a woman who is telling me that she will be cut off from all sources of survival if she sets foot in a church. I started by telling her that a relationship with God is first of all a decision that she makes in her heart, and that is something that her husband or her church can never have control over nor make any decisions about; her husband may have a lot of control over many things in her life, but this is not one of them. And she could make this decision in her heart and not even tell her husband… just love him and pray for him while walking in her heart on the path of God. I was amazed by the “light bulb” that seemed to go off as she sat back in her chair and asked if that was really true, as if the thought had never occurred to her. I then told her that if she really wanted to make that decision, she could make it right now in that very room. Again, shocked by the immediate response of yes, Rosa and I prayed with her and then Rosa led her through a prayer of acceptance which she confidently repeated. I gave her a bible, which she told me her cousin could read to her, and asked her to come back the next week when she could talk to a leader in the church if she had any questions. And I told her that we would be praying for her. I cannot explain the state I left that room in. I have talked to many people here about God, but rarely have I felt that they truly understood. And I can accept this; we are from two very different cultures and why would they take anything from me – a young white girl? But to be able to be a part of God using two young girls, one “gringa,” to reach His love into the heart of one searching Mayan mother was one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had in my life.

lately

2008-10-02T15:40:00.004-05:00

well, i did not meet my goal of blogging once a month, but i am hoping since it is only october 2nd, we can pretend this blog is still part of september. we are also trying to do weekly or "every-other weekly" updates on our website - http://www.adonaiinternationalministries.org/ - so i am hoping that my recent posts there have counted towards this ;)

as summer is now offically at an end, we watched some good friends and some new friends come and go. as life has settled back into somewhat of a routine, we have been lucky to add the allison family to our "little farm" here as they stay in the clinic for the next 7 months. they have four children and will be helping out with an orphanage in san andres, as well as helping out around here as needed. don will be joining us in the clinics each week as well, a much welcome help.

on the website and above i posted about a lady who came into clinic a few weeks ago. she came back this past sunday, walking in with a small smile on her lips and sat down, her back straight and her hands calmly folded in her lap. she said that she was just there today for some general aches and pains type stuff, so i questioned her further about how things were going in her house. she smiled at flor (our translator) and said that her husband has not hit her in this past month and has been drinking less. i asked if she was continuing to pray for him and with the same smile she told us that she has... and that her children have been reading the bible to her.... and that they really enjoy it. i could not help but have a huge smile on my face as well as i listened to her talk and promised that we would continue to pray for her and her family.

we have also picked up a couple of clinics for matt and heidi while agape in action is in between doctors. aaron and i have gone out to chicabracan (a village about 30 minutes from quiche) and nueva santa katarina (about 4 hours from us) once a month for september and now into october. it has been very different to do clinics by myself without heidi or leslie next door to ask questions to, although the patients and people we have met have all been very accomodating. it has also been a quite different feel to have government hospitals so near by to refer people to. here, as i have written about before, we find that to refer people to the hospitals is usually "por gusto" (for nothing) because they do not want to take the trip out there just to "see their family member die in the hospital" (a quote we often hear). although we have still heard stories about patients with bad experiences at the hospitals, it has made me realize how "alone" we are out here in many ways without any hospital or other medical services anywhere near here to refer people to.

although we are mostly watching over their chronic patients, keeping them stocked with the meds they need to keep their blood pressures, diabetes or pregnancy under control, we have had a few acute cases as well... like a 35 year old woman who looks to have pretty advanced ovarian cancer. without the proper equipment and resources to diagnose, we are left with prayers and referals to places that also have poor equipment in the hopes that we can find a way to help this woman stay on this earth a little longer with her children and family while still holding in balance the hope and knowledge that this woman will find herself in a better place if the lord should choose to take her now.

on a much lighter note, aaron and i celebrate our one year wedding anniversary tomorrow! i feel like it has truly flown by, although it is crazy to me the things that already feel so "normal"... like my last name being ficker... :)

God bless you all today, for real.... and may you be finding those moments and relationships of joy in the midst of what we all call life.

a father and his two sons

2008-08-23T19:17:00.005-05:00

a lot of the reason why i went into nursing is for those times when a family allows you to be a part of them during times when normally non-family members are not welcome... times of new life, times of crisis and emergency, times of death. such was the case recently with a family in an aldea near here, namely a father and his two sons.

the father and son came into our clinic about three and a half months ago asking for an exam of a "ball" that was on the father's back. leslie recognized the father as a man who had been an alcoholic for many years, and heidi and leslie leaned over to exam this "ball" on his back. after examination, they told the father and son that it looked a lot like a tumor and they would need further testing to determine if it was cancerous or not. at this, the son took out papers that they had received from a doctor in the City, determining that yes, he did have cancer that had gone into his spinal cord, although they were unsure of exactly the extent of metastasis.... he had just come into us hoping for a second opinion that gave him a more promising future on this earth.

and his time on this earth was not much longer. a couple weeks later his son came in asking for some strong pain medicine since his father could no longer get out of bed and was not eating very well. we gave him some meds, promising to come see his father in person in a few days. so a few days later we traveled the 30 minutes out to cruz chich to see how his father was doing. when we got there, we found him in his bed, awake and aware, but unable to move and obviously worn out. unable to use the bathroom, the family had found a doctor in a local town, joyabaj, who put in a urinary catheter, but now the father could not travel there to see him and get it changed so we volunteered to help out. and in this way, medicine became a way that i was able to enter into this family's life for a few months.

since this father was already saved, our times together carried with them a sense of underlying hope and peace in place of the despair, desperation, and sadness that end of life care can often bring with it. but, along with the sense of hope, this family gave me a sense of refreshment and encouragement in a situation that would never normally lend itself that way. on each visit, i watched these two sons care for their father better than i would have ever expected, especially in a country where the women would almost always be doing this type of care... especially to a father who had probably spent most of their life drunk. i watched as they tenderly moved him when needed, helped him understand what we were saying and thinking, listened intently and made sure they understood the best way to continue to care for their father, learned how to change the catheter themselves and properly bathe and care for him when i was unable to make it there, were always willing to make the drive out to get more needed supplies.... and read scripture to him. they were always offering, one time even making me take compensation from them for the gas it took to get out to their house, and in place of the "you are a rich gringo and you owe me money and supplies" attitude that we often face here, i was met with a family careful to make sure they were not taking advantage of us, while still willing to knock on any door to get their father the best care ever... something i can respect.

i am re-reading a book right now (velvet elvis by rob bell - awesome book) and one thing he talks about is how each of us have a story to tell and that it is not about us... ultimately it is about god. so, he says, claim your story, and claim the stories of those around you. they are stories of the hope, grace, peace, love and all that is our God. and it made me think of this family and what an encouragement they were to me in the midst of stories that don't always bring such hope and love... in the midst of days where i am sometimes unsure what i am really doing here... in the midst of even "ordinary life."

and i thank god that i had the opportunity to experience life with them, even if for a short period of time.

a day in the life of...

2008-07-14T14:34:00.013-05:00

"Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God." psam 90:1

well, it is the "green" time of the year here (otherwise known as the rainy season), and once again i have been amazed at how quickly it can go from dirt brown to green in what seems like a matter of minutes, bringing with it the smells and sights of new life. although it also brings with it muddy roads and 2 feet deep ruts, these realities can often be drowned out by a good rain on our tin roof, the smell of warmth that a clothes dryer brings (thank you matt and heidi), and a good game of pictionary on a wet saturday afternoon.

these past couple weeks have been busy as always. as a break from the norm, i got to "scrub in" to surgery with heidi in chichicastenango, although as she graciously did not mention in her blog, i ended up observing about half the time due to a weak stomach. however, while i decided that surgery is probably not the place for me unless i have lots of practice and mental preparation, it was amazing to watch heidi calmly and steadily remove a uterus that looked closer to mickey mouse ears than the nice round ball we hope for and work in very closed conditions to help repair a fallen fallopian tube. and what a testimony to the intricately creative God we have our bodies are, thinking down to the details as He weaved everything together to work in functioning order. in clinics, we have been seeing over 200 people weekly. as always, there are sad stories and stories that bring hope. we have had two different women in the pat two weeks come into one of our clinics not being able to see out of one eye due to their husbands beating them... because we have no emergency eye care centers here, there is a large chance that their sight will never return. we have also had two different experiences with aids this week, one being the mother and father of the little baby, juana that we took care of almost two years ago... after being with us on a feeding tube for a couple days, we sent her on to the hospital where she died a couple days later. we praise god that the mother is a christian, while we continue to pray for her husband, who still seems to have no interest in returning to God, even with his recent diagnosis. we had another little baby in chiminisijuan today, only 18 months old, who was born to two hiv infected parents. although the parents both look fairly healthy and continue to stay physically well, their little baby is severly malnourished, and the father has decided that he does not care about the state of his child since it is a girl. and equally sad, and of far greater eternal value, is the fact that this family, who rededicated their lives to the Lord last year after they learned that they have aids, has left the church, and we are unsure where their hearts are spiritually at this moment. however, as stated above, there are also the stories which can bring a smile to the face and raise some hope in your heart. it is a custom here that the mother does not leave the house and just rests for the first forty days after their babies are born. although there are also strict dietary guidelines that we sometimes wish the mother would skip and simply eat the food her body needs, the upside to this is that it is the only forty days for most women here that they actually get to rest! so, while we would like to respect the culture that we live in, we have also been encouraging these mothers to bring their babies in so that we can check them for many congenital defects that are often overlooked and many times result in death, such as heart defects or even something seemingly obvious to us like a cleft palate, and have offered these moms and babies a gift of clothes and soaps and lotions and diapers if they bring their babies in before their forty days are up. so, i was very excited to see this little baby (and actually there was a different one the week before) come in for a "well-baby check-up" at which time tomas was able to give and explain the gift. (a picture of this baby is shown at the bottom of the blog... the last picture in the list.) yesterday we learned of another belief in one of the towns in our area that brought a smile to our faces. (for the non-medical people, you may want to skip this story...) yesterday, leslie helped out in a clinic being run by a group of doctors from the states that came down to visit for the week. one man came in and informed them that he thought he might have diabetes, although he has been doing his own self checks. the way that he was taught to do them was to sometimes just taste his urine: if it is sweet, he has diabetes and if it is salty, then he is safe. however, even better is the treatment: if you do have diabetes, then you need to drink your urine everyday for a month! amidst the laughter is also reminders of the gentleness and appreciation of these people as we received (and often receive) gifts of fruit and other produce or poultry as a thanks. while there are times that i feel we are all from such different cultures, there are then moments that unite us all to remind me that we are all God's children, all falling under the same grace and love that draws us all unto Him.

below are some pictures from recently: the first ones are some fun times with the family: aaron and i after we got back from taking the motorcycle to and from chichicastenango and the surgery with heidi, craig and grace taking a nap "together," the girls washing dishes in the pila (from left to right: abi, jessie, and grace), and duane helping get some fish out of the pond. and then some clinic pics from chiminisijuan: a man and his son posing at the top of the bank that contains their "milpa" (their corn), leslie and tomas counting numbers, david starting a fire, joe and tomas and salvador working to get the four-wheeler through the muddy part of the road on the way to clinic, rachel catching some good reading time in front of a warm fire, a couple kids eating their "atol" (a rice drink) before clinic officially started, and last of all, the before-mentioned baby. at the top of the page is a picture that rachel took on the walk into clinic; it overlooks one of the aldeas (villages) that many of our patients come from and is one of the prettiest views i have seen in guatemala as the sun hits the top of the hill creating a place of light amidst the surrounding dark green.... of course it is always hard to capture these views by camera. we also have a few videos on YouTube if you are interested. just go to YouTube.com and under the search part type in adonai2540 and different videos of clinics and airplane take-offs and landings should come up.

faithfulness

2008-06-08T20:22:00.006-05:00

i have been here for almost two years now. in some ways i feel like i just arrived, and in other ways i feel like i have always lived here. here among the dark skin and the dark eyes that meet you as you look at the faces around you... here among the shy smiles and a slender hand covering a mouth as they tell you they might be pregnant... among the smells of fresh fruit & vegetables and greasy fries & salsa dulce that make up market... somewhere between the stretch of road that you see yourself to be driving on and the herd of cattle surrounding your car preventing any movement... among the green mountain ranges and skinny dirt trails that lead the way into a peaceful quiet... that speak of a strength and greatness bigger than that which can be fathomed by our human minds... that remind us that there is One that holds this world in His hands and is greater than anything we could possibly face.

and since i know that it has been forever since i have written on here (thank you matt and heidi and rach for the reminders...), i sit here thinking through about a million and one experiences that i could share amidst just life updates.... here are a few.

a little while back in clinic, we had a little baby come in looking pretty much just awful: skin hainging over bones, a little mouth opening and closing, trying to feed from his mother's breast, and a little hand, thin and fragile - looking much unlike the pudgy little hands we all desire our babies to have - curling around his mother's finger as he laid in her arms. and their story: the baby won't feed, the mother doesn't have any milk, they would like us to give them formula. and the twist and pull and nauseaus battle i feel waging down in my stomach: "how can you not go buy your baby formula when we and you know you can afford it?" "how can your baby look like this and you still be sitting here smiling at me, asking us to take over for your responsibilities?" "how many times do we have to explain that if you would nurse your baby more, you will produce more milk... milk that is much more beneficial to your baby than the store-bought formula that we give out?" and then i come home and the battle continues: "who i am to judge this family?" "who am i to be so hesitant to give out this life-giving formula as i look in our refrigerator full of food?" "who am i to question the uneasy smiles when i have never had to look at a family member and wonder how they were going to get food and if they would survive through the day?" and now that it has been about a month and half and the baby has been on our nutrition program and not come back, i am left with another set of questions: "is he alive? did he make it?" "why god? why some and not others?" "why do i sometimes feel like i am fighting a losing battle? trying to learn and speak Truth in the midst of a thousand years of culture and beliefs and practices that i don't really know or understand?"

last week in clinic, a lady came in nursing one baby who she said was 7 months, with two other tiny girls in tow. i did her consulta and at the end she asked for milk for her little baby. after explaining to her that we only give milk to those that are malnourished (part of our nutrition program), she stood up to leave, hesitated and then announced that she thought she might be two months pregnant. after doing her ultrasound, i confirmed that yes she was two months pregnant, and asked her how many children she had... with a less than enthusiastic expression, she told me that this would be her ninth. with the story now having changed, i walked next door to weigh her baby, preparing to put her in our nutrition program as she will be getting less nutrients through her mother's milk and still not having started to eat solid foods. i mentioned the story to leslie on my way out, who told me that she had just seen the woman's oldest daughter who was five months pregnant, her husband had just left her, and was asking if there was any way that she could get an abortion that day. i wish i could say that these stories are not that common, but as much as i have heard this story before - the drinking, the physical abuse, the abandonment, the rejection and the fear - that day i left with a heavy heart.

and in the same clinic, i saw a little old man who came in looking very malnourished and with pneumonia. as he sat across from me, i looked into eyes that knew sadness, a mind that was failing to remember my directions on how to take his medicine, and a face tired from fighting this infection, yet earnest to understand what he could do to better his situation. his wife having died nearly twenty years ago, he lived alone now, making his own food and trying to continue to take care of himself in the way that was needed.

and yet, amidst the stories of sadness, there are those of hope and joy. a week later, in our canilla clinic, we had an 18 year old first-time pregnant girl come in, in labor. very thankful that heidi was there, we set the girl in the room off the side of our clinic to rest or walk around while her mother and husband went back to get their stuff in order. however, within the next hour, our clinic became a frenzy as we realized that this girl was progressing much faster than we expected. we rushed to get the patients in there their needed medicines and out the door. then, we started setting up, barely getting the girl on the table and the ultrasound on her stomach before she needed to push. as we checked the decreasing heart rate of her baby, our own hearts continued to rise as we began to feel the pressure of knowing that we needed to get this baby out as quickly as possible. with heidi and leslie forcefully telling the girl to "empuje" (push), we started to watch the head crown. but it was not fast enough and as we watched the baby's heart rate drop to low 60s and then 40s and then lower than 30s, (normal is 120-160 -aaaahhhhh!) heidi made it from one side of the room to the other in one leap as she reached for the forceps, making it back in just enough time for the head to pop out at which point she grabbed my gloved hands and showed me how to maneuver the shoulders and head to help the whole baby slide out easier. knowing that this was only half the battle, we quickly clamped and cut the cord and handed this tiny and pale, but slightly breathing baby to leslie who was ready with oxygen and a warmer, quickly working to bring some color and life back into this baby. as we heard cries and watched a pink color slowly climb up into the neck and face, it was a time to thank God and breathe a little easier as we worked to get the placenta out, the baby bundled up and to the mother, and then the clinic back in order to be able to continue treating the patients that were still sitting outside waiting to be seen. at times like that, there are few things to say other than "praise God."

yesterday after clinic, we went down to the "beach" (really a little bit of sand on the side of the river where the fickers discovered that we could set up a sand volleyball court). and so, it has become a tradition in these past several months that saturday afternoons are devoted to volleyball. and to be completely honest, volleyball (or any sports really) are not naturally on my top 45 list of things i am good at... and if you are on my team and even remotely enjoy playing and winning volleyball, it probably will not be long before it also starts to enter your top five list of "things i find frustrating" as the ball flies off my arm in the opposite direction of the net or as the ball sails over my head as i duck down more in reminiscence of a dodgeball game than a volleyball game. but, it is also in these saturday afternoons that i am reminded of glimpses of the important things in this life: laughter, time spent with those we love and love us, laughter, family, laughter, friends, laughter, and hitting a small white ball over the net scoring the final point to win the game (okay, so that last one is not something i have ever personally experienced, and probably maybe should not fall under the category of some of the most important things in this life... but i bet it is a pretty good feeling :) ) and i walk into a house that now also contains one gas-powered refrigerator (yeah!)... a refrigerator that cost a ten hour drive to guatemala city, 6 hours of it in the pouring rain in the dark... a drive that my husband hates making when the roads are "good," but made so that i could have a fridge.

and as i write this now, i cannot help but stand in wonder at the faithfulness of our God. not because i understand it, not because i deserve it, and not because the journey doesn't involve giving and taking, pain and joy, but because of who God is no matter what we are feeling, whether happy or sad. i truly am blessed. i have two families that love me and keep me around (even when i'm crabby) and a God who i can trust is faithful no matter what the circumstances might appear to be saying.

i pray that today you too see the faithfulness of God in your life.

san pedro

2008-03-06T20:26:00.010-06:00

"do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. but store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." matt. 6: 19-21

this past weekend we did a clinic in san pedro, a little town in the zona reina made up of about 250 people. and i wish i could paint for you a better picture of this little isolated area where the nearest road was a three hour walk over a mountain pass. it took four trips by plane to bring our entire team - duane, leslie, hannah, rachel, bev (you may remember my "roomate" from one of my first posts who saved me from a cockroach) heidi, matt, and isaac, charlie and beth (a resident and med student working with us), armando and tomas (two guatemalans who have amazing hearts for evangelism), and me - into this hot, humid jungle, and we made the fifteen minute flight over mountains green with lush trees, passing over a few towns, a couple waterfalls, and other areas where houses dotted the seemingly otherwise barren area. as we neared a wide river filled with beautiful turquiose water, we swooped to the left and the tiny strip of grass slanted up the side of the mountain that we were to land on came into view. as duane brought the plane down, making an extremely difficult landing seem easy, my mind was already racing ahead to hannah and leslie unpacking in the "clinic" and the people that were waiting there. we were greeted by about 50 smiling guatemalans excited to bring us to their community center, the building that would be our home for the next day and a half. we followed our guides as we all made our way down the narrow path, passing a tienda, a couple houses, and using a small log that served as a stepping stone and a way for us to remain mud-free as we crossed over the puddle of mud and onto the grass that made up the side yard of our destination. it was a small room built with narrow wooden slats on all sides, held together by a small stick beam and some wire, and a dirt floor; they were so proud to offer us the best that they had.

we started clinic shortly after arriving, quickly realizing that we would need more medicine. so, duane and i got back in the plane (where the thermometer now read 120 degrees fahrenheit) and made another trip back home to gather some more supplies, returning in time to treat a few more patients before the day ended. we took advantage of the few hours of daylight that we had left to wash up in the little river not far away, set some food out for dinner, our sleeping gear out for the night, and the projector and sheet for the jesus film that we were able to show in their native language (kek'chi) on the side of the catholic church where we had about 150 very attentive people who came to watch. we pray that seeds were planted as god moved among their hearts as most of them watched the story of jesus (or any film) for the first time in their language.

but, of course the most beautiful sight was the people themselves. it was not a weekend of amazing numbers - we saw about 300 people over the day and a half of clinic - but it gave us an opportunity to spend more time with the patients and translators, something that i miss in the craziness that often defines the other jornadas that we have done as we try to see 1000 people in two days of clinic. and how i would love to hear more about these gentle peoples' lives... people that still live in an area ONLY accessible by plane, with the nearest road being a three hour walk over a mountain pass... a road that still requires an 8 hour drive to the nearest hospital, one worse than the government hospital in quiche. people that are used to dying being the most likely option when one gets sick or a problem occurs during pregnancy or delivery... people that have an emergency center comprised of one house that has cell phone reception where a call can be made to an "ambulance" (aka, a car) waiting for them on the road at the end of their three hour walk. people that cling hard to their catholic roots, as it seems to be all they have in the way of faith and fiestas... people that cling so hard to their catholic roots that they are willing to persecute a new christian to the point of death over his beliefs and desire to lead them to the freedom that christ can offer. (catholism here is usually quite different than in the states as it is mixed with a lot of the ancient mayan beliefs and practices.) people that need the love of christ that can reach them right at the point of their need, the only love that can reach beyond just the physical to touch the heart as well.

and as we were thanking God later that night for a safe trip and one where we remembered the important things in life, i was reminded of the verse at the top of this post. in a place where there are few things of material value, what a reminder it was of the important things in life... that they are not treasures that we can find on this earth, but treasures that are instead found in the kingdom of heaven... a warm smile during a consulta, ears that listen to more than just the physical needs being presented, and a simple prayer that can make the difference between a life spent with christ or a life spent in bondage. may these be the treasures that we store up in our hearts.

and so i hope that we will soon be returning to these people and this area. please keep them and us in your prayers as we continue to seek out God's plan for our work there and that their hearts will indeed be opened for the "treasures in heaven."

here's some pics, and you can also go to rachel's website and matt and heidi bell's website for more pics, writings, and even a video of the plane landing (this is on matt and heidi's blogspot)! the top picture is of beth surrounded by some patients. the bottom picture is of the runway :)

the good life... again

2008-02-05T17:48:00.006-06:00

a friend commented to me the other day in an email that due to my blogging (or lack there of) one would be left to assume that life must end after marriage. how untrue, thank God. as life has brought on more changes, i have found myself again blessed, being reminded over and over that as we let go and let the Writer of all compose our story, He indeed writes one far better than we could ever imagine.

and so, i will attempt to give you a little glimpse of the story that we now find ourselves in the midst of. one of the "main frames" in our story is our little "apartment" connected to the hangar(although we like to say that we have a hangar connected to our house) right off of the airstrip. we are about a mile and a half from the "big house," and little by little we are watching this house become our home. it is made up of a bedroom, and a room that we are unsure quite what to do with yet (although it has dreams of becoming a living room/guest room), a bathroom, a kitchen with a gas stove for cooking and our own little blue pila out front for washing dishes. we have a beautiful front porch outlined with flower boxes in which we recently planted a variety of flowers and a couch that has become perfect for sitting on wrapped up in a blanket with a cup of tea and a good book. and it is situated in quite possibly one of the most peaceful places on earth (except on sunday nights when the church services from town can be heard as if they are coming through a radio in your room), surrounded by a mountain view on every side and empty from neighbors.

and there are many things i have learned through the building of this house. there is not an inch of our house that would be standing if not for the efforts of everyone in our family; there was no job too small for anyone, and many times someone's "wants" were sacrificed to see that things got done. and it seems like often things are appreciated more when they require so much... everything that you can see has been built ground up - including plumbing and wiring for electricity, the tiling laid and the windows put in, the rocks in the porch floor and the wood ceilings. i also think that i have married into one of the most capable families i have ever met... if something needs to be done, you learn how to do it and you get it done including building cabinets, fixing broken water lines, driving a stick shift, making curtains, and cooking without burning the food... okay, so some things need more practice than others :)

and i am learning again that God truly does supply all our needs as i look at a house and yard full of things that have been provided by the people we know and love.... many of them things that i didn't even realize we would need or want. and that life truly is good.

here's some pictures of our house and such in the midst of the construction we are still undergoing. the first one is a shot of the front of the house. the second one includes the pila and the well. the pila is a sink-type thing that they use here to wash their dishes and their clothes. next is a picture of the view that can be seen from one of the sides of the house; the pile of dirt is the top edge of the pond that is waiting cement before it is filled with water and fish. and last of all is an up close shot of our porch including the couch and table complete with lanterns for lighting as we wait for electricity.

aaron

2007-08-01T16:22:00.000-05:00

i have met a boy... a wonderful boy. one who has a heart that seeks hard after his Maker while still being content and confident enough to simply take life one day at time... who enjoys the simple things that life brings his way and lets that be enough... who stands tall and quiet in the midst of change and confusion... who has learned to laugh in the midst of hurt and to love in the midst of fear. a boy who treats me like a queen... a boy whose hand i will hold and whose stride i will seek to match for the rest of my days.

and so aaron ficker has become yet another gift and testimony of God's grace in my life. over the year that we have both lived and worked together down here, a friendship and love has slowly and steadily grown... a love born out of the understanding that neither of us will ever fill those places in each other's hearts that only God can, yet at the same time, one deeper and more secure than i imagined was possible in an earthly relationship... where we can laugh together, cry together, talk through or stand quietly... and at the end of the day, thank God that He knit us individually even before we entered this world, and then pushing and pulling, humbling and healing, He prepared us each for this time when He has brought us together.

and so on July 9th i became engaged to this boy who has become my best friend in this life, and on october 3rd 2007, i will become katie ficker... the second one. (ryan's wife is also named katie.) we are planning a ceremony for just immediate family here in canilla and then will return to the states in may to celebrate this marriage with those we know and love there. i hope you will be able to join us as we celebrate together at that time.

blessed are those who mourn...

2007-06-24T22:04:00.000-05:00

two weeks ago, sunday night, we got one of those phone calls… the ones that unconsciously make your stomach clench a little, that make you kind of wish that you could turn around and walk out the back door, the ones that lead you instead to the clinic to start to gather anything you can think of for treating the unknown. there was a lady in labor in town; they had driven in from a village about 45 minutes away and were looking for anyone who would take them to the hospital in joyaba, so they called us to ask if we could take them in. the lady had been in labor since 1:00 that afternoon and the midwife said she was breech. we told her to just come to the clinic and we would ultrasound her and check everything out before helping her get to the hospital.

they carried her in laying on a blanket and placed her on the exam table next to our ultrasound machine. hannah started getting the ultrasound ready while leslie started talking to the midwife. as leslie and i lifted the blanket to examine the mom a little further, we saw one tiny foot hanging out, motionless. i went into the house to get the cell phone to call heidi while hannah continued with the ultrasound and leslie continued to get information from the midwife, but by the time i got back to the clinic, hannah had discovered that the baby was already dead.

with part of me wishing that our responsibility ended there, we knew that we now had to get this baby out of the mom before further complications occurred, and so began the process of leading the mom through the delivery of her sixth dead baby. with heidi coaching us by phone through every single step, we “worked” (although assisted seems like a more appropriate word) for about one and a half hours to deliver this precious little baby. the mom never made a sound throughout the entire process, but courageously and humbly gave birth to the baby that she had carried inside of her for nine months. afterwards she and her husband thanked us, and with tears in his eyes, they carried their baby to the truck and headed home; their baby that died from something that never should cause death.

shelley hundley says that pain is the avenue for encountering god himself, although she firmly clarifies that there is no great value in suffering in itself, but that the suffering heart that looks toward god gets it. nothing in me finds it natural to want to walk into someone’s pain and just simply sit with them in the midst of it, but as i think about what shelley said, and as i look at scripture, i cannot deny the fact that god usually chooses to reveal himself through pain… that he commands us to put ourselves in places where pain and poverty are found…

“…blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted… blessed are the meek… those who hunger and thirst… those who are persecuted…” matthew 5

and shelley goes further to say that this pain is a place not only where god meets us to comfort us, but a place where god longs to find people who will share in this mourning with him. not only a place where we cry out the injustices that we see to our god or where we find comfort, but a place where we can cry with our maker, where we can exchange tears with a god who also mourns over the injustice, where we both take each others’ hands and work alongside each other… as friends. at one point while heidi was helping us through each step, she said to hannah, “i am right there with you guys…” and i think this is kind of what god does… he says, “my hands are right there with you helping you ease some of this pain... but my heart is right there too, mourning over the injustice, angry at the attacks of satan, breaking as we look into the eyes of my child who has just lost another one of her children.”

i could never explain those long moments over the course of the two hours that it took from the time the lady came in the door to the time she left, but they have left me with an even deeper respect and love for these people. i cannot imagine the pain this woman felt as she gave birth to a baby that she already knew was dead. and even more so, i cannot imagine all the pain that life must have brought her for her to be able to deliver her sixth dead baby without a tear or cry… to have the kind of strength that this woman possessed… to go through all of that and then at the end to turn and thank us... to thank us for allowing her to deliver her baby on an old exam table in our clinic instead of the dirt floor in her home. it left us with little choice but to then turn to god and thank him that he chooses to join himself to us in the midst of pain… that it is a place where we can sit together and cry for a little while over the pain that this life often brings our way.

p.s. i am sorry (matt and heidi are you listening? haha) that these posts are few and far between... our internet has been not working, so i am just getting to post it...

where words do not exist

2007-04-30T10:39:00.000-05:00

i have said more than a few times over the past several months that i feel like i am in some in-between land in regards to my language: i am losing my ability to form intelligible sentences in english, yet i don't know spanish well enough to articulate thoughts either, so i am stuck attempting to convey concepts using primitive words and hand signs... or no words at all. and for some people this would be no big deal... maybe even a relief to not have to talk. however, if you know me even a little, you will know that this inability to communicate verbally has been a little bit of a stretch. okay, maybe even a big stretch at times :)

however, it is also one of the challenges i have become most grateful that i was forced into. my last couple years of college, i learned a lot about the value of good friends, friends that i could really share my heart with - my struggles, my joys, my hurts, my thoughts, my dreams, etc. and as i found healing in places that were needed in my relationship with God and the church, i ended up in roles where i was also encouraging others to find their hearts and give it in its entirety to God. and i loved it, spending many hours over coffee sharing dreams and thoughts on life and our faith and our God. and so when i first came here in august, i had a head full of ideas and a heart full of dreams. i was going to plunge into the middle of these people and get to know their hearts and their culture and their language... i would meet them where they were at as we connected with them in the clinic setting, but i would understand that what they really need is a relationship with our jesus, and i would seek to connect with them on a heart level that is necessary to see change really effected.

thank God for his grace.

the first hurdle came when i witnessed how reserved these people are... quite different from the bold, open, individualistic yet not-scared-to-share-all-our-thoughts-and-feelings, type of college-setting america that i had come from. the second hurdle came when i realized that i really cannot speak this language; although this realization has also been mixed with awe at times by how much we really can understand from simple non-verbals, there is also the reality that it is hard to communicate with anyone on any level, let alone a deeper level, when you cannot speak their language. and i have also learned much in the way of this Truth from the fickers, a family that allows for there to be quiet space in a way i have never experienced before when living in community.

and so, i was forced many times early on and blessed many times more recently, to sit and dwell in times of silence. and i have learned that most of life is lived on a level where words do not exist, even when we try to cover this Reality with forced ramblings or endless thoughts. and there is much beauty that comes in this: there is a freedom that is found when no one is talking simply for the sake of talking, and a deep security that can only come when someone is willing to enter into and sit awhile with you in those times that cannot be expressed in words... times when there is no demand on your heart, your thoughts, your emotions, but just the simple presence of someone who cares enough to stay. and i have found so much healing and grace in this that i have been left wondering at times why we do not live like this more often.... until i remember that silence does not come naturally to us for a reason... a good reason. because silence allows for not only the beautiful things of this life, but also for the pain of life, of the hurts, of the confusion, the doubt, the frustrations, the deep questions that plague us, begging us for answers and propelling us into life with an energy that is needed to fight to keep our heads above the battle we find raging deep within ourselves.

and i know that this is nothing profound... i think that everyone knows all of this to some degree, whether they acknowledge it or not. i know that i have reached these points of realization many times in my life. but, realizing something and knowing what to do with the realization are two very different things. and sometimes the old ways of functioning are just too comfortable and too familiar to be thrown aside for a dark path of uncertainty. and i would like to say that all the things you just read and are about to read in this post are things that i have learned how to put into practice amazingly, but the truth is that I have witnessed these Truths lived out in the family that i live with here and experienced it being offered to me much greater than i may ever learn how to live out in my own life. and i know that it is only because of this that i have come to realize anything that i could write about in this post, leaving me in one of those ironies of life where i am left with mere words to describe something that cannot be described with words alone...

and so as i look over the past several months, i am once again humbled beyond words at the fact that i am finding this freedom only by the grace of god at work in my life, understanding that it is his grace alone that rips away all those crutches, leaving us stranded and dependent on him to start to show us a new way of walking... that slowly pulls us out the mud and brush on the side of the road that we so easily get distracted with fighting and leads us back on the dry ground where he then takes our hand and walks beside us, gently reminding us over and over again - usually just with His presence - that he is right there with us and that what he has to offer is better than any of the things, or even relationships, this world could ever offer.

and furthermore, i am learning that it is his grace alone that will heal the people i live with and minister to, both physically and at a heart level. the more i discover the healing that can only come from God's hands and the Answers that can only come from His heart, the more i long for those around me to discover this for themselves too.... which i am finding raises even more questions and struggles. but, i am also learning - and this is a lesson i usually have to remind myself of about 52 times a day - that i cannot heal these peoples' wounds physically or emotionally, i cannot calm their frustrations or change their life circumstances, i cannot make them rich or change the mindsets that help contribute to their poverty at times, i cannot make up for years of violent civil wars, or heal scars from years of abusive husbands too drunk to care who they are hitting when they come home. and in the same way that no one will ever be able to answer the questions deep in my soul, i will never ever be able to answer the questions they ask deep in their hearts... the questions we all ask deep within our hearts.

and so i find myself entering into this silence within myself and struggling through it with my Creator and Maker, the same One who holds this entire universe in His hands. because i am starting to understand that this peace and security that we all long for so deeply is not going to come from some outside source or circumstance.... it can only be created within ourselves as we allow Him to move deep within our souls, and then be carried within us throughout our day, no matter what circumstances we find ourselves in. and only then can our life truly begin to be about what we will offer those around us instead of us looking to those around us to answers this deep need for security deep within us.

and as all my answers for my own life and the answers i thought i had for the lives of those around me are slowly being ripped out from under me, i am finding myself left with an indescribeable security that comes from One greater than me... one that allows me to simply enter into the lives of these people and let that be enough... to let there be space, to let there be grace... to let there be silence. and to let that speak to those deeper places that their Creator longs to move in... and then, when i stop seeking to give them my talk, my answers, my thoughts, hopes, and dreams for their lives, truly He can move.

i pulled out an old cd the other day, one i haven't listened to since high school, and discovered a treasure-trove of lyrics. one of the songs speaks to the ironic twists of this thing we call Truth... the Truth that is only found as we are honest enough to enter into those places that we often try so hard to run away from... those places that silence speaks of. and it reminds me that this same God of Truth that often places us in uncomfortable and sometimes painful circumstances will also be the exact same God of Love that "... heals the wounds it makes..."

child, don’t close your eyes,
the Truth contains much beauty…
and though it scars your soul,
it can heal the wounds it makes.

you’ve been deceived to think the pain is to be dreaded.
when you’ve got nothing left,
it will give more than it takes.

"honest" by kendall payne

raindrops and green grass

2007-03-16T19:28:00.000-05:00

i sit here in a thin skirt and tee-shirt, trying to think of a creative way to cool off more without becoming completely immodest. it is the dry season in canilla and it is hot. and brown. and dead-looking. i have been told that one day i will look at this and see it for its beauty, but for right now all i see is that the once regal-looking lush mountains now look like big piles of dirt, and everytime we drive somewhere with the windows down, i feel like i have just taken a bath in the sand by the time we get where we are going, even a mile down the road to town. and it is not unbearable and it is not horrible, and there are good things about this season too - like driving on roads that are not half washed-out or drenched in puddles of mud that you slip and slide in, waiting to plummet over the side of the mountain next to you. but even so, sometimes i miss the rain and i miss green. and the life that these nourish and testify to.

this past week we were able to go to a local school and do a lesson on the GI system, including amoebas and bacteria, brushing our teeth, and nutrition. it was pretty basic, but these kids ate it up, excitedly bringing up their hand-colored pictures of fruit and vegetables and ice cream to paste on the food guide pyramid we created. i watched as the guys beamed with pride when they could correctly identify their food item and then tell me where it went, even though fourteen other kids before them had correctly identified the exact same thing and already placed it on the pyramid. and i found myself trying to keep from laughing as i sat at a table with four girls, my mouth wide open, letting these girls "practice" brushing my teeth with a toothbrush as they shyly covered their giggles with their hand, their eyes crinkled in laughter. and then the next day we went to work at the orphanage in san andres, baking cookies, painting pictures, playing basketball, putting stickers on each others' faces, or just sitting and talking, surrounded by life.

and i tried to take it all in for just a moment: little faces anxious to share what they had just learned, little hands carefully choosing the right crayon to be used for coloring the apple, little mouths that would sneakily squeeze in one bite of the cookie dough before placing it on the cookie sheet, little fingers licked clean before diving back into the bowl to form another round ball of dough, little bodies covered in paint, laughter, joy, and life. and the most riveting of all, little eyes that looked into yours with excitement, anticipation, and a light of hope that seems to often become snuffed out more and more the older a person gets.

and i stood there rooted in one spot, tears coming to my eyes, although i was not sure why except for the fact that i was also suddenly aware that it was one of those moments where you remember the beauty of something gone, although you had somehow grown accustomed to its absence; like that first drop of rain on a hot day, or like finding a blade of green grass standing tall among a sea of brown dirt.

i didn't realize it at the time, but my heart had started to match the season in which we found ourselves... dry. not unhappy, not in turmoil or distress, not discontent, but simply dry. i have found myself in a time of transition: somewhere between the states and here, somewhere between a student and a "real nurse," somewhere between who i was in the states and who i am becoming here, realizing that my place is not in the states any longer, yet also feeling like i am still at the very beginning of finding my place here. and some of this sense of transition was settled a few weeks ago when leslie informed me that someone had emailed them and said that they would annonymously like to cover my base monthly cost for living here past may. and i didn't realize how much of a transition i felt like i was in until i actually had some confirmation from god of where i am supposed to be past may, happy that he is allowing me to continue to live out my dreams here. and i know that this is not an end all and that there is still other expenses and such beyond what these gracious people pledged, and that we still keep moving and changing, laying each day before our Father, trusting Him to protect, guide, provide for, and love us daily. but it was also a beginning step of bringing my heart here a little more, a step that has been slowly followed by many more as i have walked through these past few weeks.

i know that there are different seasons that we go through in life, just like the weather. and i firmly believe that this is part of God's gracious will for us as we walk on this earth, that as ecclesiastes 3 tells us, "there is a time for everything," a season for everything under heaven, and that God is still moving and working in each of these seasons. i know that there are things that needed to happen during this "dry" time in my life, things that could only happen as i pulled back my heart a little from this earth and let myself rest in His arms a little more. and i am reminded of this mostly when i look at the world of flowers and trees around us right now: they too have lost a little of the beauty that they bring to this world - able to fool almost any passerby that they are quite dead, despite the fact that they are not - but they patiently wait, standing strong in what they have been created to be, knowing that this is a needed time in their existence and that God is moving in this season too. and so i too continued to walk, placing my hand in His, willing myself to trust that He was there moving among the dryness, the browness, the dirt... among the appearance of death, the confusion, and the pain, even though i couldn't always feel Him and even though i couldn't always see Him. because that is all we can do... trust and walk on.

and then it happened... i felt that first raindrop. and i started to see signs of the lush green life that had been seemingly absent: in a reminder that God is taking care of us, and that He still speaks to us and moves within our daily lives and concerns no matter how small; in a smile and a toothbrush; in a big piece of blank paper and a paintbrush; in a walk on a night when only the moon is needed to light your way; in talks that last late into the night, long after you have forgotten that you have to get up early the next morning; in two little arms wrapped around your neck in a hug or a tiny mouth first learning how to blow a kiss in your direction; in an email and phone call just to say hi and i miss you; in a lunch of your choice made especially for your birthday, and presents that remind you that there are people that care about what is important to you; in relationships that restore your faith in people... that challenge you and grow you, but also become a place where you can rest, where you can cry, where you can laugh... where you find yourself becoming more of yourself each day.... where you remember that you do not walk alone.

we truly are blessed, all of us, no matter what season we find ourselves in. and i hope that you are truly living in whatever season you find yourself in - dry, rainy, stormy, calm, happy, sad. for as a dear friend always reminds me, "we can only live where we are." or something like that. and there is a purpose in each of these seasons and a specific reason that each of them are in our lives. so, i pray that we all learn to live where we are, content in knowing that God is moving, and trusting that even when we find ourselves in the dry season, one day the raindrops will come and the green will return.

saquixpec

2007-02-23T06:28:00.000-06:00

i know that my posts are becoming few and far between, although this is not my intention. this past weekend, we were able to do a clinic in a town north of here called saquixpec, and i again am awed at the God we serve and humbled by the fact that i will never be able to convey this to you fully with mere black and white words.

15 of us left for saquixpec in two different groups, half of us leaving on wednesday (valentine's day) and the other half leaving early thursday morning. it was a good 5 hour drive with the vehicles that had 4-wheel drive, and as we drove, i watched us slowly leave behind many traces of the familiar life we lead here, make our way up and down and through mountain passes that seemed surreal, and enter into what felt to me as a corner of guatemala that has somehow remained almost untouched from the rest of the country. these roads are only passable by land for part of the year and the other part of the year, they have to be reached by airplane. although the roads are getting better and this area seems to be actually getting some attention from the government, it is still a testimony to the years and years of neglect that these people have faced due to the isolation that they have found themselves in. the nearest government (basically free) hospital is 2 hours away and has less equipment and ability to offer medical assistance than quiche hospital, the one a couple hours from us. if you do not remember my description of the inadequacies and frustrations we have found with this hospital, you can see my early post titled "santa cruz de quiche."

i was confronted with two people asking for "consultas" the moment i stepped out of the truck, both who were truly in need of medical attention. as i was walking to see one of the patients (a lady who had been in labor for a couple days without progressing), the rest of the team arrived and we started clinic about 45 minutes later. (one of the arrivals was the OB GYN - heidi bell - that we work with, and she thankfully took over the care of the lady in labor!) we worked until that evening and got up the next morning to continue caring for the 650-700 people that we saw and treated over the course of the day and half of clinical work. we gave out mostly tylenol, ibuprofen, tums, and vitamins - rare commodities to these people - although we also treated many acute conditions or conditions that should have been acute, like a little 12 year old who had perforated her ear drum years ago and was now deaf in one ear due to a condition that could have been easily treated when it first happened. we showed the jesus film at night, which over 200 people stayed for, and we are also blessed to be witnesses to 12 people coming to accept Christ as their personal savior during the clinical time, one man who told us he had been longing for someone to come and tell him about this God and how he could live for him. after prayers with a guatemalan pastor we had invited along with us, the man looked at us through tear filled eyes and said, "my heart is now content." as leslie said, so is ours.

and those are just the logistics that come to mind that are easy to tell people and important in their own way. however, what is less easy to write about, but just as important, is the underlying currents that a place carries, the history that makes their present the reality that it is, and the stories that each of these people bring with them. the very first lady i saw was five months pregnant with her 8th child. i did her ultrasound and she asked many good questions during it, which kind of surprised me. as i was finishing up, she sat up on the bed and said, "okay, so everything is okay with my baby? the head is in the right place (a common question since there is a lot of fetal/mother death due to breech births)?" etc. and after reassuring her again that everything was okay, she looked at me and said, "so many women here die during childbirth" with a kind of hollow look in her eyes. and it wasn't a lighting bolt moment or anything, but that has stayed with me since we left there as a reminder of two of the underlying currents that seemed to run throughout most of the patients i saw: fear and isolation. these people have lived without basic medical care for so long, and they have watched friends, neighbors, family members die from conditions that could be easily treated under better circumstances. another patient i saw had a blood pressure of 160/100 and we were reluctant to start her on blood pressure meds since we are not sure when we will be able to return. so, all i could do was ask her to buy some aspirin in the local pharmacy and suggest that she get her blood pressure checked the next time she goes by a centro de salud (local government-run health center; again often lacking in equipment and meds). however, as i was telling the translator this to tell the patient, he cut me off mid sentence and said, "oh, we don't have a centro de salud here... the nearest one is a puesta de salud (an even smaller one) and it is in the next village." so, i was left sending a patient off with a "prescription" for a med that i didn't know if she could afford and without a way to continue to check her high blood pressure.

and so, i end this post a little differently. i bring before you tonight the people of saquixpec and i ask for your prayers for them, knowing that God can work in the hearts of these people spiritually and their physical ailments as well. i ask that you will join us in praying for the 12 people that have come to know Christ... that they will find the discipleship and fellowship that they desperately need. that you will pray for the people that we saw in clinic... that they may have left with more than simply ibuprofen and vitamins, but a glimpse of our God as well. we do not know what our future role looks like with these people, but we know that prayer is always the first step and we are reminded of the importance of this especially at a time when we cannot physically be with them.

i cannot get pictures to upload to my blog here, but please visit these two websites: www.agapeenaccion.blogspot.com is the blog of heidi and matt bell, the doctor and her husband that traveled up there with us and work with us here. they have much insight into the trip and have also helped chronicle it all with pictures. rachel has also started a blog at the website www.racheleficker.blogspot.com that offers yet another perspective and glimpse into her heart and the heart of the people we serve here. these are both "must-reads."

the good life

2007-01-20T13:54:00.000-06:00

in the middle of clinic today i stood taking the blood pressure of a lady who complained of pain that shot down and up her arms, originating near her heart, and causing her hands to go numb. after ruling out anything cardiac, leslie asked her how many children she had, to which she answered 9. "then you have many clothes to wash, right?" leslie responded smiling, and the lady laughingly answered, "si, si... hay mucha." so leslie asked her if she had anyone to help her, but she said that her only grown children still living at home were boys, leaving her without help. so, leslie explained about the nerves that run up our arms and how our muscles will get tired from making this same motion everyday, etc. and then we gave her some ibuprofen and she smiled gratefully, thanked us, and went on her way. and i thought about this lady's life... had we been in the states, she would have bought a laundry machine or taken her clothes to the local laundromat; she would have considered having surgery for carpal tunnel syndrome; and she would have demanded something much stronger than ibuprofen for her pain... although it would have left her sleepy and unable to do the work she would need to to run her house daily and keep her 9 children going, causing another set of problems yet again. but, because washing machines are not even a thought in her head, because she does not know about carpal tunnel syndrome (or that we even have something called a carpal tunnel), and because ibuprofen was much better than what she had (which is nothing), this lady was grateful for what she was given and went back to focus on the things that her life requires. now, this is of course not to say that every patient -or maybe even half of them -are as grateful for the help we give, but it made me pause for a moment and think...

i have lived without a cell phone attached to my hip, without television, without a local grocery store, mall, movie theater, or restaurant, without paved roads, clocks (outside of our house and clinic), and my own car, and without a local hospital or medical options outside of basic medical care to refer people to or to run to myself whenever i want to for almost 6 months now. and yes, there are definitely days where i miss these things. but, today, as i pondered the life that most of our patients live, i also realized the price that comes with most of these things we in america consider necessary for life: relationships become confined to phones, answering machines and emails, "time-savers" end up taking more time to figure out and use than to actually do the action in the first place, entertainment ends up costing more than it is usually worth, time becomes something that we never have enough of, and we make medicine into a god that should fix us whenever we want.

and more than anything tangible or specific, there is a pressure that comes with this expectation that all of our wants and needs can and should be met. and even deeper, there seems to be a fear which we are always running from that these wants and needs and expectations will never be met.

and so i look back at these beautiful people - hands that are rough from planting corn, feet that are tough from walking barefoot on paths and dirt roads, shoulders that are sore from carrying babies and washing clothes by hand, clothes that have been worn days in a row for years and years... and then i remember that most of the time i need to let go of many of the expectations i have for my life on this earth. and that "the good life" is not defined by a life in which all of my needs are met... that even the good life involves frustration and tears and disappointment.

that sometimes we need to pause for a moment, take a deep breath, put a smile on our face, say a thank you to our Father for the good life we have been given, and go on our way. even in the midst of unmet needs....

even when we are walking away with ibuprofen when we should be getting surgery.

savior of the world?

2007-01-06T13:15:00.000-06:00

passion. this word has seemed to be an integral part of my family since the day i was born. it becomes most apparent to me in times like when i am sitting at one of my grandmother's full-blooded italian family reunions surrounded by loud, laughing, loving, always "right," yet always "ready to have fun" aunts, uncles, and cousins. and i see it in myself when i am telling someone about the starving children i met in africa or the experiences i have already had here, or talking with friends about our faith or what we think the church in america today should look like, or "discussing" with my father my political views and our responsibilities to the world around us... or playing the game in a pickle, as i have discovered the past two nights. and while these moments (except for when playing in a pickle) are born out of my desire to see all people live in love, grace, and freedom, it would not be unheard of for them to conclude with me crying and frustrated while making claims that are "slightly" lacking in logic, and my father terming me a "bleeding heart liberal." if you have not happened to be lucky enough to be a part of one of these times, any member of my family and close friends should be able to fill you in on the details... :)

and i think that passion is a good thing, a necessary thing in this life. these past couple months i have been reminded about the necessity to fight and to persevere, and i think that passion is part of the fuel that keeps us going during these times: passion for our God, passion for the people around us, passion for the life that God has placed in front of us to work out with His help; it is what keeps us in the "middle of the mess" when sometimes we would much rather just walk away.

but, it is interesting to me that sometimes the experiences that seem to bring about the most passion in our lives also seem to lead to our demise in the end. i do not think that i would have gone into nursing if i did not want to be helping people, but i have discovered that i often take this a step further and convince myself that i can not only help those around me, but actually go beyond that to save them. and it creeps up little by little, drawing from different pressures and insecurities in my life, until i find myself ranging between the guilty pressure of feeling like i should be saving the world and the prideful thoughts that i actually can save the world. and this prideful/pressured temptation of mine has had plenty of room to flourish as i have found myself in a foreign country, surrounded by needy people, without any of the normal crutches i use to fall on when the road gets rocky, and living in the midst of my passion to use my nursing to help those around me.

i have always tended to be one to passionately dive into the gray areas, coming to aid of the helpless and defending the defenseless. recently i have helped take care of a little girl that i now could say i would give my life for if i thought it would ease some of the pain in her eyes. and i have found myself battling the desire to never leave her bedside, to be there in the midst of her pain, in the midst of her life, in the midst of her dying. and i know that this is not a bad thing, but as i have had some time away from her these past few days, i have been confronted with the question of how much of my desire to be there is also about me: about me feeling like i actually can control the suffering of those around me? and more-so, the dying of those around me?

this morning, i hit my snooze button for about 45 minutes and then laid in bed for another 20, feeling little motivation to leave the protection from the world that my covers provided. i felt the weight of the questions this situation has brought on, and i felt myself somewhere between saying, "none of this is in my control, i just want to go back to sleep and forget about it all" and "i love this little girl, i must get up, fight for her life, and do everything i can to be there by her side." (i also had told myself that i would start running again in the mornings, although that has never seemed to be enough motivation in and of itself to entice me to get out of bed...) so, i found myself torn between these three options, and trying to somewhat open this conversation in my head up to God. and then it was like it suddenly became obvious; we must fight for those we love and for what we know is right, but we fight first in prayer, the place where these two extremes meet. so, i got out of bed, put on my skirt, tee-shirt, and tennis shoes and walked out the door, down the dirt road that runs behind the clinic, and into the mountains where i always seem to find the presence of God to be clearer. and as i walked, i surrendered my desire to be the savior of the situation and then fought for martina's life and death in prayer, giving it back to the only One who can save her.

and as i have started to relinquish my need to save the world to One who already has, i am finding that i must hold a little more loosely to the things of this world: martina, our patients, my family, my friends. and this is not easy for me... there is a reason that my father has termed me the bleeding heart liberal, and it is not because of a history of a tendency towards rationality over emotion :) i am learning that we all need an "aloneness" in ourselves, a place between just us and God, a place where these depths are worked out: where our pride is destroyed, where our hurts are healed, where our sorrow becomes joy, and where this passion then springs forth from. and this is not easy for me either, but i am learning that i must closely guard this place in my life.

and so, once again, i find myself placing everything back in the hands of my Father, remembering that this road is not easy, that i am still learning, and that the fight is much greater than we can fight alone. but that we have a Savior who has already won the battle, and we have each other to lean on as we continue to walk on.

love

2006-12-17T22:32:00.000-06:00

about a week ago, i sat on a thin mattress in a small adobe room holding the hand of a dying man. we were surrounded by his family: some helping hold him in their laps, some crying while others stood stoic, some attentive while others were distracted, some eager to help while others were anxious to leave the situation they found themselves in the midst of. and even though we were only there for about 30 minutes, i still remember looking at this 86 year old man, gasping for air in front of me, and realizing that in a few hours this family would be the legacy he would leave behind. and i felt a tightening deep, deep down in my stomach, that type of tightening that is unconscious; the type that comes when you realize you are in the middle of one of those moments that speaks of the things that truly matter in this life, that speaks of the things that are Truer than the tangible world we live in.

and it might not have been such a meaningful moment if it had not come at the end of three weeks filled with death and dying. within my first two weeks back, we had a sixteen year old brought to our clinic late one night, having suddenly died only moments before, leaving behind a 3 months old baby, surrounded by her mother and her friends, all crying and screaming their confusion and sorrow at the loss of their loved one. hours before, we had been asked to come see a 56 year old lady in town who we soon discovered was dying of complications from what we assume was pneumonia. her family, in their agony over the decision of how to care for their sister/wife/aunt had simply wanted some reassurance, someone to help hold their hand as they watched one they love slip away. a few days later, we were called to a friend's house who was in labor. upon arriving at the house, we found the baby already delivered, dead from "complications" of a breech birth, and the mother in the next room, weak from a long delivery. as we were starting the long walk back up the hill leading away from her house, we were interrupted by the screams of her daughter, calling us back to the house where we discovered the mother having what seemed to be a seizure due to blood loss. after some of the most intense, scariest minutes of my life, she regained consciousness and we left her in the care of her daughter and friends. and later on that week, we had another close friend who had been battling a brain tumor die, leaving behind a wife and four children, two of whom have been placed in a local children's home until the mother is able to make ends meet.

and in the midst of all of this, we have had one of our own, the little eight year old girl who lives with us, martina, start to decline in health, due to reasons unknown to us or the other medical professionals we have consulted. over the past few months, she has slowly started to lose weight and grown weaker and weaker until she is now barely able to walk with assistance and seems to have lost the desire and/or strength to eat.

and as i am walking through these experiences, i am finding myself humbled over and over again. as i have faced the frustrations of inadequate health care and ignorance of what i would consider basic health care measures, i have had to remember that these people are also doing the best they can with what they have. as i have sat next to death and dying, i have had to acknowledge that most of the things in this life, including death, are not in my control, but are in the hands of One much bigger than i. as i have walked alongside of a little girl who testifies of the harsh realities that this world offers many, bothered by the unknown of what is happening to her and frustrated by my own selfishness in the situation, i have heard "whatever you do to the least of these, you do unto Me..." whispered to my heart. and as i have stood in moments where fear gripped my very being - fear of being alone, fear of being inadequate, fear of being wrong, fear of being too consumed with myself to be used by God - i have found the Truth that "true love casts out all fear..." washing itself over my soul.

and as i have faced the raw emotions that are brought about in these types of situations, i have learned that in all the confusion, selfishness, fear, and inadequacy, there is only one thing that matters; the one thing that remains constant, the one thing we must turn to, the only thing that brings about healing in all of these situations: Love. but, not my love. see, i am also learning in the midst of all this humbling that the foundation of my hope does not lie in the fact that one day i will no longer be the very ordinary, selfish, imperfect being that i am, but instead that the true Love of our Father and Savior will be known in the midst of each of these situations. even if it reveals my inadequacies, even if it hurts my pride, even though it is a reminder that my attempts at loving those around me in my own strength only hint at the love of One who truly knows what Love is.

and it would be easy to leave love at that. to release myself from all responsiblity in the matter, to step back, to allow my own human inadequacies and fears to be an excuse to not have to engage in loving those around me with a love that i myself cannot create. and i have faced that temptation. but that would not be love either. so, this is the gray area i find myself in: striving to live out a love that is not mine, learning that as my own inability to love is revealed, His love seems to have more room to work.

there is a song by one of my most favorite bands, over the rhine, that speaks to this paradox much better than i can or probably have in this post. these lyrics were born out of a time when, at the height of their musical career, they left their tour to go home and re-discover a marriage and love that was falling apart, realizing that they could not save their marriage, but that as we all walk through this life, our hope is that we are learning... learning to laugh and learning to love, and letting a love bigger than ours get us through those times that speak to the depths of life.

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine,
Talk deep into the night,
Who knows what we'll find.
Intuition, deja vu,
The Holy Ghost haunting you...
Whatever you got, I don't mind.

Put your elbows on the table,
I'll listen long as I am able,
There's nowhere I'd rather be.
Secret fears, the supernatural...
Thank God for this new laughter,
Thank God the joke's on me.

We've seen the landfill rainbow,
We've seen the junkyard of love,
Baby it's no place for you and me.

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

home

2006-11-28T20:42:00.000-06:00

well, i went "home" to the states for about three weeks and returned to "home" here in guatemala just a couple weeks ago. i was not sure how this whole transition was going to go, starting with the return to the "land of plenty" where i was sure culture shock would overcome me the moment i stepped off the plane, (thankfully, my layover was in miami where absolutely everyone in the airport was speaking spanish, so it was a nice transition back into american culture... haha) and then returning to guatemala after getting to spend time with close friends and family that i will not see for many more months. however, God is gracious, and over the past month i have learned that whatever cliche phrase home is, it does not involve a geographical location.

i got to spend much time with friends and family, people that i have learned will be friends of mine for life, no matter how long we go without talking or seeing each other. relationships that i have learned go beyond being able to relate to each other or understand everything that is happening in the other person's life. relationships that are built on trust and love and grace.

and so as i returned to guatemala, a place that is feeling like home more and more each day, i realized that i do not have to leave one home for the sake of another, but that in some strange way, i find my home amidst all of these relationships - old ones, new ones, family ones, friend ones, long-distance ones, and ones that are a part of my everyday life. and i don't think i realized this to its full capacity until the end of these past two weeks here.

it has been one of those "depths of life" periods since the moment i returned. we have had several patients and/or friends die and several other intense circumstances where i was pretty sure others were going to die and we had no control over it. and it has been daily. this is the time of fiesta (the end of harvest celebration that often involves a lot of drinking, withcraft and other craziness) and you can feel the spiritual warfare in the air. and so we have kept going, day in and day out, some days better than others, standing confident in the strength of God alone, sure that He is walking beside us and bringing about His kingdom in the midst of it all. and it has been scary, challenging, stretching, humbling...and yet renewing, strengthening, deepening and has forced me continue to pray ephesians 6:10-18 through each of these moments.

and i know that without my friends and family, those who love me and support me, those who have helped give me a "home," both near and far, recent friendships or long-standing ones, it would be a lonely fight day in and day out. three weeks was too short to get to see all who i wish i could have, and there are many who i did not get to "catch up with" personally or verbally. so, to all who are reading this, thank you for pouring into my life the way you have and are. thank you for being a witness to God's faithfulness in times when i have a hard time seeing it myself.

to steal a phrase from someone, "home is where the heart is." as i find my heart in many different places, this past month has been a great reminder to me about how richly blessed i am to be able to experience true christian community the way i do - people who are all with me in a sense no matter where i find myself. i know that there are many people who will never experience this on this earth... i thank God that i have the life i have.

tiny juana: the story she tells

2006-10-16T22:05:00.000-05:00

a week ago from this past friday, our little gift from God for a week, tiny juana, breathed her last breath here on earth.

i have had almost two weeks to process through this situation and yet i still have mixed feelings as i write this. i would like to write about how confident i am that this is God's plan and about all the amazing things that God has brought about in this situation: the way rosa rededicated her life to her Savior, the way juana's father stopped drinking during the time his daughter was in the hospital and started working, the way that he would pay a day's wages to ride a bus two and half hours to the hospital where he would be able to see his daughter for the one hour that the family is allowed to visit, and the way that these two families (rosa's and her husband's) have seemed to find reason to unite over the life and death of their grandchild during a time that was otherwise seemingly full of discord. however, then i will also have to write about how frustrating it is to work among the health system here, how juana was getting better and then was suddenly gone, how the hospital has no details to give, how no one has any answers in the middle of all this. i would have to write about how the day that jauna's little body was picked up from the hospital to be brought home with her family, rosa's husband went out and got drunk and then came to pound on her family's door in the middle of the night. about how rosa's husband has always had a drinking problem, beat her, and how rosa's dad has now resumed his proceedings with the town judge to get a restraining order. and how if that does happen, rosa will now find herself 19 years old and without a husband or child in a culture where husbands and children are everything. and i would have to write about my own feelings of sorrow, loss and confusion that seem to cast a shadow over all of this.

and so i have found it hard to write this post as i face the feelings that i face everytime i write something on here. there is the longing for the ability to write something that will touch the reader's heart, the desire to be faithful to my God, the hope that the reader will see something real and the deep fear that they won't; that they will instead walk away with either nothing more than a neat story to tell or with nothing more than cynism and criticism that anyone looking in would be sure to find.

so as i have sat down many times to write this, i have searched for those words of conclusion and finality because part of me wants to leave you with a nice, neatly wrapped story. one that tells of God's amazing love and faithfulness or that speaks of the depth of human depravity that is revealed when we live apart from the completeness that only a relationship with God can bring. or one that speaks of the tragedies that happen specific to guatemala or that instead brings it down to the level of humanity we can all relate to, whether here or there.

but, the truth is that this is not my story to claim, and never was from the beginning. and this is a story that i still find myself muddling through, still full of questions, still trying to make sense of a health system i don't understand, still wondering why God did not heal her. and yet in all of this, slowly finding God in places i did not expect.

and then i remember juana and all that god created her to be, even at just eight weeks old. and then i know that her life is more than a story of another baby that died, or another story from the depths of guatemala, or another story of the depravity that is so familiar to all of us, whether i can ever convey that to you, the reader, or not. and i remember that there is more to her family than another story of abuse and marital strife. and that God is doing much more in this than i can ever understand or even begin to put words to.

and so i find myself without a story, except the one that juana herself tells. and i leave you to draw your own conclusions, although i pray that you won't. although i pray that instead of needing to walk away with a "story in a box," you too will stop for a moment and sit a little in the gray area that we will always find our Savior in the midst of. that you will rest for a moment in the tension that these situations are witness to, knowing that the truths we hold to, the faith we walk, and the God we serve are deeper than whether a story is good or bad. that they are deeper than emotions, deeper than conclusions, deeper than the desires that lead us to control and manipulate stories to look the way we want them to or that lead us to walk away cynical and critical of what we have just read. and that you will see that sometimes we cling to the stories themselves or walk away from them bitter because we cannot sit and listen to the deeper truths that are found in the complexities of each of them; the truths that are there before the story began, are constant throughout it, and will continue on forever, even after we think the story has reached its end.

motherhood and multi-tasking

2006-10-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

the past two weeks i have had the privelege of experiencing a temporary stint of early, somewhat single, motherhood as i have taken care of grace and abi while the fickers were in the states for their son's wedding and to have an open house/dedication service for the ariplane that they are bringing back at the end of the week.

i have decided that motherhood brings out a woman's ability to be detail-oriented and multi-task, even if she has never found these traits to be true to her character before. one day, i found myself making lunch and serving it for someone who had "just stopped by" all the while holding abi in one arm, fixing her bottle in the other, answering a phone call, putting abi down to sleep, picking grace up, fixing her a bottle, putting her to sleep and then finally sitting down to finish eating lunch, which was now cold. thankfully, my lunch guest was extremely gracious and even ate all of the chicken, which had to be chewed about 15 times before it was able to be swallowed. i am still learning much in the area of cooking.

i have also decided that motherhood means conquering fears, exploring new territory, and perseverance. like using your flip flop to bravely destroy the cockroach scurrying around on the counter near their food, entrusting your child to someone else's care for the first time, and working on that vegetable dish two days in a row trying to get them to taste just right.

and sometimes motherhood, at least single motherhood, means learning how to take care of things you never knew even existed. like figuring out which breakers turn on the water pump when you wake up and there is no water, which knobs turn off the water to the house when the line to the kitchen breaks, and to make sure that the water pump is always on automatic because otherwise you can burn out the pump (which costs $400).

overall, the experience has led me to believe some things that are now concreted into my foundational life values and understanding:

1. i'm pretty sure that mother's day should be the most celebrated day of the year.
2. a routine will quickly reveal itself: wake up, shower, get grace out of bed, change her diaper, feed grace, dress grace, eat some breakfast, share your breakfast with grace, throw your hair in a ponytail quickly before you get abi out of bed, change abi's diaper, feed abi, dress abi, change grace's diaper, give abi her bottle, change abi's diaper, put abi down for bed, play with grace, get abi out of bed, change her diaper, feed them both lunch, change grace's diaper, let them both play, eat lunch (which you will share with grace), feed abi her bottle, put her to bed, give grace her bottle, put her to bed, enjoy your alone time, get abi out of bed, change her diaper, get grace out of bed, change her diaper, feed them both dinner, give them both baths, get grace out and dry her off, let her run around naked while you get abi out and dry her off, bring them into the bedroom and put clean diapers and clothes on both, let them play before bed, give abi her bottle and put her to bed, give grace her bottle and put her to bed. please note that the word diaper is used in here 9 times. then read number 1 again.
3. the word mine is quickly transfered from your vocabulary to theirs; what's theirs is theirs and what's yours is theirs.
4. if you ever wonder what you sound like to your children, listen to what the 19 month old says to the 11 month old when they think you cannot hear them.
5. being able to quote mercer mayer's i was so mad (a children's book) without looking at the book any longer should be considered an accomplishment and something to proud of.
6. when you find yourself in that moment where you have just said the very thing your parents used to say to you that you vowed you would never say to your children, telling them that you now understand everything can actually be quite a healing experience. thanks mom and dad. i now understand everything.
7. when choosing your battles, eating paper, dirt and leaves are lower on the priority list than one might originally think (hehe- just kiddin' hannah and leslie... maybe...)
8. they will poop in the bathtub at least once. and it will be gross. guaranteed.
9. sitting motionless on the couch in a silent room and staring at the wall for several minutes to try to get your mind to stop racing after they have finally fallen asleep after a long day is not weird.
10. reading through a recipe book to figure out a new dish for the next day starts to feel like embarking on a new adventure, even though you are forced to acknowledge that you are not actually leaving your kitchen and few would consider this an adventure.
11. no matter how mad you are at them, when they give you one of those smiles and hug your neck real tight, whatever it was doesn't seem to matter any more.
12. there is something magical about that moment when they fall asleep in your arms as you gently rock them while feeding them a bottle.
13. there is nothing that makes your heart happy quite like hearing them learn and call your name... even if it is kay-dum instead of katie.
14. you should hug, kiss, and love on them as much as you can while they still let you.
15. everyone should have a nicolasa and lydia.

nicolasa and lydia are two women who live here and help us out with cleaning, cooking for the men who work for us, and taking care of martina. nicolasa has three young children herself, yet seems to have an endless supply of patience (another attribute that i am assuming builds in a woman more and more the longer she is a mother...) and is always ready to rescue someone from a near-bad experience or give a hug and wipe away tears. she also makes the most amazing pineapple pies ever. lydia is a twenty year old full of laughter and smiles who is always willing to scoop up one of the babies when needed and have them laughing before long. she also cleaned all of the spider webs (and spiders) off of the extremely high ceiling, something i will forever be indebted to her for. and both of them were extremely patient with me as i muddled my way through spanish sentences that barely made sense. it did not take me long to learn that i could not make it through an hour trying to do everything myself and i know i would not have made it through without them.

all in all, it was a two weeks i would never trade for anything. i have grown to love these little babies as my own, and relationships have deepened with two beautiful women that i have grown to respect, trust, and depend on. although i missed the laughter, relief, words of english, and love of life and people that the fickers bring, i thank them for "loaning" me their life and entrusting me with two of their most precious gifts. i learned things and grew in ways that i never could have any other way.

tiny juana: part two

2006-09-25T14:35:00.000-05:00

well, after a week of fighting and growing, little juana left our clinic. there is much to the story, and much that we do not fully know, but right now she and her mother sit in a room in the hospital in quiche where she is living without oxygen and is being treated by a pediatrician and checked in on by friends of ours (matt and heidi - heidi is an american doctor working in the city of quiche with the mission agape in action; they have been helping us in the clinics and were in san andres the day we brought jauna home. if you are getting sick of reading my blog, you can read some cool stuff on theirs at www.agapeenaccion.blogspot.com). and let me tell you the many answers to prayer that it takes to even be able to write that last sentence.

first of all, it is a miracle that she was admitted to the hospital. many times, babies will simply be sent home if they are too malnourished instead of being admitted to be treated. it is also not surprising for there to be discrimination against the indian families (which juana is a part of) because they are less educated (generally speaking) and often only speak quiche (which is the case with rosa, juana's mother). which leads into another blessing: that rosa was allowed to stay in the hospital with her baby; the families are not always allowed to stay with the patient. next, when juana left us, she was still dependent on oxygen, and when we arrived at her home (which she had traveled to without oxygen - about 15-20 minutes), she already looked worse than when we left our clinic. however, she is currently in the hospital without oxygen and doing fine, according to the reports we have been given. it is also wonderful that heidi and matt have been able to check in on her daily (their house is on the hospital grounds and heidi has worked with many of the staff at the hospital). and lastly, it is an answer to prayer that she is being looked after by a pediatrician because by the end of the week, we wondered if there was more than simple malnutrition that caused her state (something such as a heart defect or chronic/congenital problem). since she is being treated in the hospital, it will be much easier for an underlying condition to be caught and for her to be able to be treated for it.

and that is just the tangible answers to prayer in this situation. spiritually, i found myself learning much more than i possibly had to offer. i watched as throughout the week, this mother chose to depend on God instead of us or her own strength, as she kept gently smiling and telling us that she knew it was in God's hands. i watched as the guatemalans that work here came into the room to check up on the baby and pray with and for rosa and juana in their own native language. i watched rosa's family come to visit and make sure that their little granchild was being cared for properly; it was so refreshing to see how much they cared for her. and i joined hands with this little family, leslie, matt, and heidi one last time as we laid it all before God again.

praise God.

of course every situation brings both good and bad, denial and blessings, both heartache and joy. and this situation was no exception. there were many sleepless hours, a few walks and a phone call to hannah, feelings of fear, inadequacy, uselessness, and frustration, and times of searching God and Scripture. i faced the tears that come when you realize that someone really might die and the helplessness that is felt when you know there is nothing you can do to stop it. i had never realized how much faith i had in the health care system until there wasn't one to depend on for this baby to be treated. and i never realized how little faith i had in God until He was all i had to depend on for this baby to survive. i had forgotten how important prayer and the body of christ are until i sat down to write an email asking close friends to intercede for juana's life and the faith of her family. i had forgotten how sweet jesus is until one late night i found this little mother kneeling by her bed in the dark praying for her little girl. as i held juana for the last time in our clinic, i remembered the bittersweetness of saying good-bye to someone who has become a part of your heart, yet knowing that they were never yours to keep. i grew a little stronger in the belief that God really does want to be the first one we turn to and the One we hide ourselves in. and i stand a little more in awe of a God who moves among the tears and the laughter, protecting and comforting those who seek Him, proving again his worthiness of our lives as he works out His will on this earth.

i know that often when a situation is over, certain aspects are forgotten and other aspects are glorified until the story reads however the person wants to remember it; i am sure that already there are aspects i have forgotten and others i have chosen to remember. i know that my eyes and my thoughts are all you have to navigate you through this experience, although even if i could take you through each moment of that week, i know you would each read it quite differently.

so, no matter the feelings, thoughts, memories, or forgotten moments, i hope that what you remember from this story is the neccesity of the body of Christ, the wonder of prayer, and the comfort and strength that is found in the power of the God we love. although the specifics are different, this story is one that is told day after day in many different countries and many different lives. i thank you for your prayers in this specific story; i pray that they led you closer to God as you brought us before His throne.

tiny juana

2006-09-17T20:52:00.000-05:00

there are few times where i get the opportunity to write about something before it has already ended. this is one of those times.

today in clinic one of our nutrition kids came back to see if she qualified for the program. (the "program" is our nutrition program where we supply undernourished children with formula or milk, a protein mixture and vitamins to be used in conjunction with breast-feeding.) her mother, rosa, had brought her in a few weeks ago stating that her breast milk was insuffucient for her baby. so leslie sat down with her for about 15 minutes and talked with her about how and when to breast feed and answered any questions she had. she then told her to come back if her baby was not growing and we would re-assess the situation at that time. at that visit, juana was one month old and weighed 8 lbs.

today rosa brought juana back to be weighed and looked at. the young children are usually wrapped in a million layers of clothing and blankets, so i placed juana on the scale and started to peel off the many layers. as i was discovering the actual weight to be a mere 7 lbs, she also started coughing, and i was becoming more and more aware of just how tiny this baby was. when we finally took off the last layer of clothing to listen to her lungs, i was shocked at the state of this little girl in front of me. i have never seen a person as wasted looking as this baby; she barely had skin covering her bones. although her lungs sounded clear, she was breathing about 80 times a minute, her heart rate was about 160, and her mouth was completely covered in thrush (leslie said it is the worst case she has ever seen). bottom-line, she is dying.

to make a long story shorter, we talked with the family and told them the gravity of the situation and their options. one of the options was to come back to canilla to our clinic here where we could place an ng-tube and feed the baby through that in conjunction with breast-feeding so that she will hopefully receive the calories she needs to be strong enough to come out of this okay. they live somewhat close to canilla and chose to come back to the clinic with us.

so tonight, rosa, a nineteen year old mother, and her one and a half month baby sleep in our clinic where leslie and i will go in every two hours to check the oxygen and ng tube placement, give her nebulizer treatments, and feed her through the tube in her nose.

i do not know what will happen to juana. in fact, i really do not know much right now as i perform nursing measures brand-new to me on a baby who may not make it being held by a mother who only speaks quiche. but, i do know that there is One who created this little baby and her mother, and who is in control of this situation and using it to call this tiny baby, her mother, and her family closer to Him.

please pray that no matter what the outcome of the situation, we will know God's guidance and protection, and that His love will be known by this little girl and her mother.

the women we see

2006-09-11T12:01:00.000-05:00

monday september 11

while there are many things we see here that are heart-breaking, one of the things that is starting to really tug at me is the state of the women. i wrote an email to a friend of mine within the first few weeks i was here, and i described it like this:

"the people here are a little different than what i expected. they are very gentle, very tender, and very reserved people. they all look like they are about 40 when they are usually closer to 20. and i know this sounds cliche, but truly, i look into their eyes and i just want to sit down and hear their life story. i can't even imagine it. i love the old men with their work worn hands and their sun worn, wrinkled faces; there is something comforting in their smile... like they are content with the fact that their life consists primarily of getting up in the morning, working their land, being with their wife and 14 children, 200 grandchildren, and then going to bed tired at night; they are happy when the food comes, and go work at the coast when the food doesn't come. but, even as i write that, i know that that is not true for the majority of the families that live here. and i am reminded of that when i look into the eyes of the women. they are often looking at their hands due to fear, rejection, humiliation, exhaustion. there is a large amount of physical, sexual, emotional abuse that happens to the women by their husbands. they are looked at as and treated like dirt. they are not educated, and no one sees any value in it. for many of them, their life consists of getting up, finding food, cooking food, taking care of a million screaming babies, and trying to keep their husbands pleased. oftentimes, though, the husbands are drunk and will do whatever they want anyway. and when the husbands leave or die, so does the woman's very livelihood; there is no one to work the land, bring home food, or work to get money for food."

now, the facts behind a lot of what i wrote to my friend are based on my initial observations in this country and are of course not applicable to all families in guatemala or this region of quiche; however, while i know i still have much to learn about this culture and the concepts and beliefs that create the basis for daily living for these people, i am finding these facts to be true for a lot of the women we have seen and heard about. clinic on saturday was one of those blessed days where we seemed to be able to spend more time with each patient and minister to them a little more holistically than we sometimes get to, and we saw three different women whose stories reminded me of the abandonment and downright abuse that is so commonplace for them.

many times, people will come in complaining of symptoms of stress and anxiety and asking for medicine to help them. we tell them we have no medicine that can take away their anxiety or depression, but we ask them if they are involved in a local church, share about how jesus is the only one who can truly provide peace amidst the worries of this life, and then give them a bible and pray with them. these were the complaints of one of the first women we saw who came in with her two children. as we asked more questions and she shared more of her life, we learned that her husband had left for the states when she was pregnant with her daughter who looked to be about 6 or 7. since then, he had found a new family in the states and no longer planned on coming back or supporting his family here. sadly, this is a story that i have heard countless times already in the month and a half that i have been here. (it is also a cultural understanding among the indian population that if you remarry, then you give up your children from the previous husband, a sacrifice that some women are not willing to make, leaving them alone to find a way of life for them and their children.) we gave this lady a bible and a book for women about christ healing your heart, and talked with her about how only christ will bring the healing she needs. and as she left, i was left with a growing desire to be able to speak the words this woman needed to hear in her native language.

another patient was a young girl who came in with her mother thinking she might be pregnant, and after ultrasounding her, we gave her the happy news that she was indeed pregnant. however, she was followed by a man whose complaints also revolved around symptoms of stress. as the story came out more and more, we learned that his wife had had four miscarriages and "could not provide him with children." finally, he reluctantly revealed the main reason he had come when he asked if the young girl we had seen before him was pregnant. we told him that he would have to ask her that himself, and then also gave him a bible and talked with him about how only christ will bring the peace and answers that he is searching for in his life.

the third girl we saw was accompanied by her mother and little siblings. she was about 17 and looked at the floor through the entire consultation. at first, one might think she was simply shy or reserved, but looking closer, you would notice the nervous chewing of her lip and distracted twisting of the strings on her faja (belt) between her fingers. as she relayed her symptoms, seemingly random at first, leslie finally quietly asked her if she had been raped. the girl shook her head "no" while big tears welled up in her eyes, contradicting the answer she had just given.

i know there is abandonment and abuse in every country, every race, and every gender. i know that the situations we encounter in clinic are much more complicated than the surface level information we are given. and i know that there is need for prayers of healing and grace in so many lives, especially on a day when our own country, the united states, remembers injustice that has been brought on them.

however, i am asking that you would also send up a prayer for the women of this country today. that they will find healing, grace, freedom, and love that can only be found in our God. and that we will be faithful to take them by the hand, match our step with theirs, and lead them to this God, one consulta at a time, one Scripture at a time, one prayer at a time.

life on the farm

2006-09-04T12:07:00.000-05:00

first of all, happy birthday to my dad (!) whose birthday was august 30.

a friend wrote me an email a few days ago in which he was telling me of his heart for people around the world, his frustrations with american life and values, and his desire and readiness to be away from it all and "...to crash through rubble, dive through blocks of concrete, just to help somebody." we have been friends for several years now, and i smiled as i read his email thinking back over the many conversations we have had throughout the years about our similar desires in life, and how many times i have written these very same feelings to friends. however, i also smiled as i thought of how my life down here has not exactly been that way.

the fickers live on a farm that, if it was not in guatemala, would probably be a pretty typical farm in the states, but i do not have much experience with "real farms" (we did live on a small one when i was little that involved chickens, rabbits and a garden) so i cannot say for sure. here, we have chickens that we get our eggs from, a cow that we get our milk from, a few rabbits which we get nothing from, a garden which we get some vegetables from, a lemon tree we get lemons for lemonade from, a pond stocked with talapia (the guatemalans love fish and we have had a couple fish fries with some people from the local church while i have been here... in fact, the neighbors just stopped by to get some fish this morning...), a couple of horses for riding (when they first moved here, you could only get to a lot of the places on horseback because there were not a lot of roads, so they used their horses a lot more then), some trucks that are usually being repaired for the next trip, a couple tractors (which duane, aaron, ryan, and david have used to help the local famers get their crops of corn planted quickly... this is a new concept to the guatemalans since most of them still use cattle to plow and plant), four-wheelers which we use to get supplies to places that we cannot get to with the truck, a pressure tank (which i have learned to turn on since it supplies my morning shower with pressure), and a few dogs.

and life would almost be similar to life on a farm in the states except for the fact that it is completely different 8) "slower" is the first word that comes to mind to describe the way of life here, but not in the way we northern americans describe the south. yes, there is a taste of it: saying hi to every person you pass, people hanging out in front of their houses talking to each other, more farming and less industrialization (well, really no industrialization down here), and saying you will show up at 8:00 on monday night and if you are there by wednesday you think you are doing good. but these aspects seem to be due as much to the lack of technology and advancement as to the fact that these people value community and people over progress and time-oriented thinking. if i sit and think about it, it is sometimes amazing to me that i am in a country that functions this way while a few countries above us in the states, daily life is functioning quite differently. here are a few examples of daily life from this past week.

tuesday, we went to clinic in chiminisijuan. the way the clinics work is that the people wanting to be seen arrive early in the morning and receive a number in the order they arrive and then are seen in that order. this works out very well, but it leaves us with no idea how many numbers will be given out. it will usually be around 50, but there are of course days with more and days with less. the numbers also do not tell everything since there are always the families of 7 that will get one number, but want all 7 to be treated. this past tuesday, we started later than normal and seemed to have a lot of people. i loved it, though. leslie and i split up the patients and i actually was able to understand the problems "my" people were presenting with and figure out what the treatment should be. it was nice to actually start to feel like i am starting to get somewhat of a handle on life down here. it was a long day, though, and we had promised one of the patients that we would look in on her neighbor who was sick in bed and unable to get out. she told us it was only five minutes off the road that we had to take to get home, so we started on our way and met the lady at the beginning of the trail to her house. i then realized that when the woman said it was five minutes off the road, what she actually meant was five miles off the road. as we were walking our long walk, i looked around me, amazed that this is what these people have woken up to everyday of their life. we were literally walking on the side of the mountain, weaving around tree roots and rocks, walking up and then down again over rise and falls in the mountain, on pine needles and loose dirt, through corn fields and past houses made of sticks and adobe, all in the pouring rain. we arrived at her house soaking wet and tired, but i would do the entire walk again tomorrow. the view was breathtaking and i am still trying to take in the fact that people actually live this way still. this woman was lying on a bed of small tree trunks tied together with a few blankets thrown over it. it was barely three feet off the dirt floor that created the foundation of their house, about four feet from the "loft" above it that comprised the sleeping area for the children, and you could tell that it usually slept more people than could probably comfortably fit on it. after getting the woman's full story, we treated her for a urinary tract infection and then we and the family prayed with her before leaving. then it was a long walk back to the road where we took a four wheeler up the the main road (the other road is too rough for a truck to be able to drive it) where the 4 runner was waiting. at this point, it was still raining, aaron and david were waiting to meet us at a "short cut" further down the road to home, and the 4 runner got stuck. so, i take the four wheeler down to the shortcut (i have since fallen in love with driving the four wheeler...) to get the boys to help us get out. we finally arrived home at 6:30, in time to make dinner.

on wednesday, duane and leslie got up early to drive to quiche so that they could meet with a doctor there who we thought was in charge of the medical work in the petin, the northern area of guatemala that is only reachable by plane in the wet season. the fickers went into the petin in april and found that there was one doctor for this entire region and that he has no supplies or equipment. the doctor in quiche told them that last month 3 women died in the petin because there was no way to get them the help they needed. we are hoping to be able to fly into the petin and assist with the medical care once duane brings the plane down from the states in the beginning of october. so, leslie and duane made the 2 hour trip into quiche only to be told that the doctor had been called to guatemala city for the day and would not be in quiche at all. they then went to the lawyer's office where they hoped to get some more information on the progress of the adoption of abi and grace. however, the lawyer was not in that day either. so, they had lunch with a pastor friend of theirs who needed some encouragement and then got in the car and made the 2 hour drive back, having spent the day accomplishing nothing they had hoped to. as leslie would say, "these are the days you trust that God was working even though you can't see it." as aaron would say, "welcome to guatemala." meanwhile, i spent the day here at the house where rachel and i took care of the babies, cooked lunch (yes, it actually was edible) and did other domestic things... things that, i have to admit, are completely foreign to me. i feel like this time here is almost as much of a preparation for motherhood as it is about living in a new culture 8)

on thursday, aaron and david went down to the river to get sand they needed for concrete that was going to be laid on friday in the hanger that is being built for when the plane comes down. the fickers are building this from ground up pretty much by themselves except for the help of a couple american teams that came down this summer and a group of men from the local church that come out to help on fridays. while getting the sand, the tractor got stuck, so they brought down a truck to get it out. the river winds down from the mountains and often it will be raining in the mountains unseen to a person here, and a huge wall of water will come rushing down the river, raising the water quickly and causing a current that could kill a person. leslie said that every year they hear of at least a few deaths from drowning. well, wednesday was the lucky day for the "wall of water" phenomenon to occur... as aaron and david were in the truck and on the tractor in the middle of the river. the river got so high that in a matter of moments, the tractor went from water lapping around its tires to being almost completely covered. thank God both aaron and david were fine. it then took about four more hours to get the tractor and truck out. it was quite an experience, and while it was scary to realize the potential danger of the situation, there was nothing more beautiful than seeing all the people come out to help. the mayor himself came out, and they were finally able to get the tractor out and up the hill while being towed by another tractor and a backhoe that someone in town came and offered to help with.

friday, the men from the church were supposed to come and help, so we started making the basketfull of muffins for a mid-morning snack, bought the chickens and ordered the tortillas for lunch, and were just about to start making a rice/cinnamon/milk drink that the people here love (i love it too - it tastes like cinnamon toast crunch with rice instead of "toast crunch"), but the pastor called and said they would be unable to make it. this actually was not a problem since there really wasn't enough sand due to the incident on thursday and the fact that the tractor was not working due to water damage, and then at about 10:00 in the morning a missionary family from a town a few hours away stopped by unannounced with cookies and stories to say hi and catch up on life. it was fun to meet them and hear about the work they do and where their hearts are. he is a mennonite pastor (yes, mom and dad, we talked about mcc and i told them you worked with the mennonite church in canada) and we have actually treated some of his parishoners in one of our clinics. then, it was pre-market at night (which i love) and getting ready for clinics on saturday and sunday.

so, not quite the glamorous "barreling through concrete to save people's lives" that i also once dreamed it would be, yet i can say without hesitation that i would not trade one moment of it. there is an oswald chambers devotional i read in "my utmost for his highest" when i was a sophomore in college and while i do not remember it exactly, the point of it went something like, "live in the everyday of life, and give the depths to the Lord." i like that. i am learning that there are very few things in this life that are in my control, and i am finding it much more fulfilling to be content to live in the everyday, and trust the Lord with the rest.

unexpected realizations

2006-09-04T10:30:00.000-05:00

thursday, august 31

i knew the point would come sooner or later. it was a point that i had not experienced in the other trips i had gone on, and it was why i wanted to come down here for longer than 2 months.

it started a few weeks ago. things were starting to lose their newness: i started to recognize people that we had seen before in the clinic, i was beginning to anticipate what would come next on the road we were traveling on, i was starting to learn what we would buy at market on friday night, i was getting used to the drone of spanish and quiche everywhere we go. and with this loss of newness came some unexpected realizations: i do not know spanish well enough to understand a sermon or a story that does not involve the person having a fever, cough, or headache; nursing, while a tool God uses to reach others with His love, still comes with responsibilities and critical thinking and the possibility of causing fatal accidents (don't worry... no, i did not kill anyone...); that i really have little to offer these people that i find myself in the midst of, a people that does not have to accept me or my God, a people that has their own history, their own traditions, their own way of creating and living life on this earth; that i am going to lose some friends, friends i thought to be good friends, because of this path i have chosen to take; and, that even when living in guatemala, there is still lunch to be made, laundry to be done, babies to be taken care of, and schoolwork and lessons to be taught.

as i told my mother, "the honeymoon phase is ending."

but, while i thought this to not be the greatest thing ever at that time, i have since made some other unexpected realizations: learning spanish is not unattainable and is not only about the language itself, but i am also learning so much about these people as i learn their language; nursing, while holding the potential to end life, also holds an amazing potential to give life, both in aiding with the birth of a new life and in aiding with the quality of a life already begun; i may have little to offer these people right now, but i serve a God who reveals His strength in our weakness and whose plans surpass ours in greatness, love, and grace; that there are different seasons to every life lived, and with that, there are some friendships that are made for different seasons and some that will last throughout the whole of our lives; and that there is a joy that is found only in the little things: making a new meal for lunch that even david ate, remembering to take the clothes out of the dryer and hanging them up before they smell musty (even though you failed to remember that it is the rainy season, and those newly hung up clothes were soon enduring the late afternoon rainstorm), the purity of sleep that only comes after staying up with a screaming sick baby who is also finally having dreams of her own, and being able to help someone learn to love to play an instrument that has also brought such enjoyment to your life.

the older i get, the more i am learning that life is not about me. and that is a good thing. i didn't know what would happen when i got down here; i definitely didn't expect to change as much as i already have. but, as the honeymoon phase begins its end, i am finding something deeper than the excitement of "newness" and all that it carries with it. i am seeing God move among the ordinary, the struggle, and the routine of daily living. and as my own excitement at learning and seeing a new culture is starting to become mixed with the realities of the above realizations, i am finding that God is growing in my heart a love for these people, a love for this culture and this country instead of me trying to love those around me out of my own strength, which is a pool i am learning is actually quite shallow and inadequate on its own.

the ficker fam

2006-08-24T15:40:00.000-05:00

i realized that, although i refer to them frequently, i have never actually written about the family that i am staying with here. so, in the next few paragraphs, i will attempt to describe to you a family that has become very dear to me, even in the few weeks i have gotten to spend with them.

duane (dad), leslie (mom), aaron, ryan, hannah, david, joe, and rachel (kids in order) moved to guatemala about 8 years ago to work in an orphanage their church was involved with in the village of san andres. they worked in the orphanage for about a year and a half, and since then have felt led to leave the orphanage and open three different clinics in the villages of san andres, chiminisijuan, and canilla (the town they live in), all in the region of quiche, the poorest region in guatemala.

although leslie worked as a nicu (neonatal intensive care) nurse in the states before coming here, i am amazed each time we are in clinic with her ability to "diagnose" and treat or refer a patient, no matter what the age or disease process. i was just writing to a friend this morning that i cannot imagine a better "nurse mentor;" she truly lives out what it is to surrender each patient to the Lord and to use medicine as a tool in His hands, not as "the end-all." she is also one of the most patient people i have ever met, and daily lives out what it is to serve both her family and the people God has placed in her life here. as i work with her, i am learning to be more patient, more flexible, and to trust that God is bigger than both my successes and my failures.

aaron, ryan, and hannah all left guatemala about three years ago to work and go to school in the states, and i met hannah while at olivet where we both worked as servers at chicago dough. we had a lot of fun together, but with my nursing major and her biology major, we didn't see each other a ton on campus. since getting to spend some time with her this summer, i have truly grown to appreciate and be encouraged by her heart and desire to follow God's will. she's been someone i can laugh with and cry with this summer, and we've made many memories that i know i will share with my grandkids someday, all the way from changing tires on the side of the road (unassisted by any males) in the pouring rain to working together to assess and treat patients at a rural clinic.

currently, the "household" here in guatemala consists of duane and leslie (obviously), aaron, david, joe, rachel, grace,and abi (two guatemalan babies (grace is 18 months and abi is 10 months) they are in the process of adopting). they have graciously welcomed me as part of the family and we have a lot of fun (like "clothes shopping" at the local market, playing wiffle ball, sharing stories of jumping head first into concrete, or checking to see if david's spleen is enlarged...), yet it is obvious from the first few moments you meet them how much they love each other and are there to support each other when the going gets tough. leslie says that it is because down here they are all each other's got, but whatever the reason, i thank God daily that He has led me to work with this family as i get to share not only in the ministry God has placed in their hearts, but also in the love they have for God and each other. as i am far away from family and friends, they are an amazing support system as i learn about life in this culture.

below is some pics of them: rachel is sticking her tongue out after helping catch fish out of the pond, leslie is using luke (one of the kids from the team that came down in june - his father is the one who took all these pics) as a model for our five senses, hannah is holding abi, grace is being meached (a way that guatemalan mothers tie their babies to their back so that they are hands-free), duane is "helping" john and andrew (two others from the team in june) into the back of the truck, and jocinia (the daughter of nicolasa, one of the families who works for the fickers) is posing in the middle of the sidewalk between the house and the clinic. hopefully, there will be more to come as i download more of mark's pictures.

thomas

2006-08-24T15:20:00.000-05:00

no matter how dark a situation may seem, there are always the stories that remind you of the power, faithfulness, and love of the God we serve. thomas has one of those stories.

thomas (in the picture to the left he is translating from spanish to quiche when we presented to five senses to a group of kids at a local school) has worked for the fickers for a few years now, and i have gotten to hear his story many times. about seven years ago, before he was a christian, thomas got very sick; he went to the midwife, one of the only local medical people around, and she told him that the way to cure his sickness was to be hung upside down for seven straight days. seriously. 24-7 for seven days. so, his loving wife, hoping to see him get better, strung him up by his ankles from the roof. he does not share all the details, but while hanging upside down, he lost consciousness (shocker) and during that time he met God. he tells how God healed his heart with His love, and how he, in response, made a pact that from then on he would always share about His love anytime he could. after about 4-5 days of hanging upside down, certain he was going to die, he told his wife to cut him down. she tells how incredibly swollen his feet were, and how blood just flowed from his ankles. but thomas lived and has remained true to his promise: he shares his story every tuesday morning to the people waiting to be seen during clinic. he shares about how God met him and healed his heart, and how He can do the same for each of them. afterwards he asks if we have anything to say, and then he prays for everyone before clinic starts.

thomas is one of the most amazing examples i have seen of the power of God to meet someone where they are and the simplicity of the faith we claim. when he first met duane, he came to him one morning and told him that he had a word from God for him. he proceeded to open up his bible and share a passage from psalms. however, as he was reading, duane noticed that his bible was upside down, and when he asked him if he was really reading the scripture, thomas sheepishly admitted that he couldn’t read, but that he had instead memorized the passage so that he could share it with duane. wow. how he memorizes it, i have no idea, but i think of how i struggle to have the dedication to read my bible regularly, let alone memorize whole passages of it! and you will always find him smiling and praising God with a tenderness that can only be from the love of our Father. i still remember the first time he came with us to a home out in the country (the first time i was here – in june) to translate from quiche to spanish. the couple was in the mid-twenties and the husband had a brain tumor that left him blind and unable to work. the wife had just had a baby and was depressed, so she was not eating, and therefore was not providing any milk for her baby. i remember watching as thomas prayed for this lady in quiche, tears streaming down his face. leslie tells how he did the same for martina (the girl in the last post) when he heard of the situation she was in.

as i struggle at times to see God moving here, i look at thomas and i am reminded that sometimes i make christianity very complicated when in fact, our faith is very simple. that God will do whatever it takes to reach us where we are at, and that He will fill us with the strength, love, and faith to carry on.

martina

2006-08-17T09:37:00.000-05:00

tuesday, august 15

martina (seen in the picture to the left) is a little girl who lives with us. she is about 8 years old and the fickers have legal custody of her. her family says that when she was younger, she had a fever and then developed seizures, one of which threw her into the fire. she burned the whole of her face and some of one hand and arm. at this point, she became a disgrace to her family and required many surgeries and much care. her mother brought her to the clinic and asked leslie if they would take her. the fickers have had many parents ask them to take their children (they are actually in the process of adopting two little girls from two separate families that also did not want their children), but they would be overrun if they took in every child whose parents did not want them. so, they continued to check up on martina, and one day this brought them out to her house where they found her tied up in a corner. her mother stated that she hated her and wished she was never born. duane and leslie prayed about what they were to do in this situation and both received confirmation that they were to take in martina. her mother has come to the clinic a few times since then, but rarely even asks about how martina is doing.

i have heard this story before, but sometimes mere words do not really paint the full picture. a couple months ago, martina’s mother had a baby that was born dead. she was fine for a month and then starting have sporadic, heavy bleeding every few days. last night, she came to the clinic so that leslie could examine her to make sure that she was okay. after doing the examination and getting more of the story first-hand, we decided that she was fine and gave her some vitamins, rehydration solution, and iron to help counteract her blood loss and exhaustion. leslie started to talk to her about how much of her current state was probably closely related to the huge sense of loss she must feel over the recent death of her term baby, but martina’s mother stated that she was not sad over the death of her baby. leslie and nicolasa (a good friend who works for the fickers who was helping translate) then talked with her about God and how He is moving in this situation, but she just sat there silently picking her nails and staring at her hands.

i would like to blame it on tiredness and the fact that i am still getting used to the culture. or that i still do not understand much of the spanish being spoken. but, as i took this mother’s blood pressure, i was overcome with so many millions of feelings – rage, sorrow, frustration, confusion, evil, protection of martina. here was a mother who hated her daughter so much that not only was she willing to get rid of her, but she was willing to tie her up to keep her from showing her face and shaming the family. as i stood there, i was so angry as i thought of how much love martina was denied by her family. i wanted to run from the room and find her and just hold her and tell her how much she is loved, even though she would have no idea what i am saying, and i am not even sure how much she can mentally comprehend. i have never so blatantly understood my own self-absorption and pride until that moment when my eyes were opened to understand what it is to truly love and protect someone who seemingly cannot offer you anything in return.

and yet at the same time as i was so angry with this woman in front of me, i wanted to cry for her too. i was overwhelmed with sadness and frustration at the question of what could possibly cause a mother’s heart to become so hard, so cold, so apathetic towards two of her children. it was these questions and feelings that haunted me as i left the room and sat on the back porch looking out over beautiful mountain ranges that housed a people that i do not understand. tears streamed down my face as i silently cried out to the Creator of all, knowing that in my feelings of confusion, it is not He who has moved, but that it is my heart that is being changed, my eyes that are being opened to a different area of my Lord and Father’s heart. and i had the most beautiful image of jesus, walking among these hills, walking among these people. he healed their physical needs, he ate their food, he took their rejection on himself and responded only with love and teaching, softening hearts that have been hardened by years of abuse and rejection.

as leslie, hannah and i talked about this situation later last night, they talked a lot about the spiritual bondage that is everywhere in these hills. there is still active worship and, in some places human sacrifices, made to gods that these mayans have been worshipping for thousands of years. martina’s grandfather was a local witch doctor who had 12 wives and lots of sons. he started coming to the clinic for help with his blood pressure a few years ago, and through much conversation prayer, he got saved. he continued to come to the clinic and would tell leslie how he was still hearing the voices of these demons, how he could not sleep at night because they were so strong. he soon stopped coming and leslie heard that he had gone back to his witch doctor ways.

we have talked many times about the generational effects of the demonic forms of worship that are practiced here. as leslie pointed out, there is spiritual warfare everywhere, it just takes on different forms here. how true. i am not used to the warfare experienced here, and the practice and effects of it still shock me and confuse me. a good friend made the remark before i left that i will be a different person the next time he sees me. i had not thought of that before then and kind of blew off the comment. but i have thought about it a lot lately. as i am living with these people, i am seeing a whole new side of life, a whole new side of creation, a whole new side of God, a whole new side of faith. i am still shocked by the blatant, “out in the open” spiritual warfare that has such a hold over these people’s hearts and lives.

as I opened my bible last night, it (ironically) fell open to these words:

“for our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the… spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” ephesians 6:12 & 13

santa cruz de quiche

2006-08-15T18:38:00.001-05:00

friday, august 11th

first of all, happy birthday mom! i love you!

so, this week i got to go to the hospital in quiche (the official name of the city is santa cruz de quiche) for a couple of days and work with an amercian team of surgeons and medical people. it was quite the experience. this is the hospital that we usually send people to or bring people to when we think that they are in need of hospitalization. i was excited not only to work with the team there, but also to see the hospital itself.

we walked into the hospital through the entrance to the outpatient clinic; the best word i can think to describe that moment is "overwhelmed." there were people sitting anywhere that people could sit... people that looked like they should be in the hospital, not sitting in the waiting room. and we had to walk right through the middle of them all to get to the room that hannah was working in; i felt like i was reliving the dream i have where i accidentally forgot to put on clothes and realized it at that moment. i felt completely inadequate and unsure in this sea of needy people, all staring at us.

things started to get better as i found my place in the "makeshift" recovery room/pre-op room the american team had created. it was funny, though; there was little charting, no protocols, no lengthy reports for the next nurse. there were also no side rails on the beds, and i kept looking over my shoulder waiting for one of my nursing profs to jump out from the shadows and send me home with an "unsatisfactory" for not putting the side rails up. and, although it was frustrating that about half the team could not speak spanish (myself included), it was fun to be in a setting that was somewhat familiar (the hospital setting). i got to put in three iv's (and i got them all on my first stick. i've discovered i love sticking people with needles.... i know, sick.) and it was cool to pre-op the patients, go watch their surgery, and then recover them afterwards. hannah and i were able to talk to one patient who was scared and crying before her surgery also. it was a good reminder that in the middle of all the shuffle of things, we are here for the patients (not just their veins).

often times when we tell people they need to go to the hospital, they do not go. i am sure that lack of resources plays a huge part in this, but after spending just a couple days there, i understand a lot more of why. we had to take a short trip to the "pediatric department" for one of the kids we were doing surgery on. we walked up to an "intersection" in the hallway that consisted of the hallway we were on being interscted by two different hallways, creating four separate hallways that had rooms on either side. (sorry if this is really confusing). the main point is that i thought we had entered the pediatric unit when in fact we had entered the entire inpatient part of the hospital: one hallway was pediatrics, one hallway was men's health, one was women's general health and the other was for pregnant or post-delivery women (most women deliver at home by themselves or with a midwife, but if they need to be in the hospital, they delivered in one of the rooms that are a part of the operating room). each unit holds about 20 patients at a time, and there is not such thing as private rooms. in fact, the least number of beds i saw in one room (which was the pediatric intesive care unit) was 4. there is one nurse for the entire hallway, and there is no such thing as 2 hour checks or anything; if the patient needs anything, he can call the nurse. otherwise, the nurse sits at the front desk. the fickers tell the story that they brought a little baby into the hospital who was severly malnourished. they spent the night in the hospital room with the baby. the next morning they were asking about the baby that had spent the night right next to them, and the nurse informed them that that baby had meningitis.

this is the biggest and most advanced hospital in the department of quiche.

there is so much about this culture and these people that i cannot even begin to understand. it is so incredibly different than the states in many ways, and their medical system is just one example of a million that i am just starting to have a tiny bit of my eyes opened to. just as i start to feel like i am starting to "get" something, i am reminded that i have barely even begun.

the aids man

2006-08-15T18:38:00.000-05:00

wednesday, august 9

yesterday we had clinic in chiminisijuan, a remote aldea (village) about a 30 minute drive and 30 minute walk from where we live. (sidenote: I have recently discovered that on these roads, our average speed is about 15 mph, so when we drive somewhere that takes us 30 minutes, it could actually be only about 10 miles in distance.) we run a clinic in this village every tuesday (in addition to the two that we run on the weekends), and it is at this clinic that we usually see the worst cases. these people live in little adobe and stick houses in the mountains in an area that is primarily cold and wet. this climate mixed with a general ignorance among the people about worsening symptoms makes for a wonderful reservoir for disease.

we saw our usual run of cases – sore throat, fever, ear infections, cough, pneumonia, exacerbated asthma, etc. but then we saw a man who was unusually tall for a Guatemalan (a few inches taller than me) and weighed about 90 lbs. many times the men will go to the coast in the dry season because there is no work here and on the coast they can get paid to harvest sugar cane. while there, they often entertain themselves with the world of prostitution, many times contracting aids. they will then come back here to their families where it will be spread to family members. because it is “the unspoken disease,” it is difficult to get anyone to discuss it or even hint at the possibility that they might have it. leslie has seen and examined this man before and suspects that he has aids, although he may have another kind of chronic or blood disorder. so, leslie sat and talked with him for ten minutes about how important it was that he get blood work done at the hospital to help determine what condition he might have. she then arranged for thomas (one of the men who works with leslie and duane), who speaks this mans native language (quiche) to bring him out to the hospital in quiche by bus. (there are 12 departments in guatemala, and we live in the department of quiche. the city of quiche is this department’s “county seat,” holds the largest of three hospitals in the department of quiche, and is about 2 ½ hours from here.) later that night we realized that there were no buses running today, so leslie arranged for aaron (their oldest son) to drive thomas and this man out to quiche. they also have an american team of surgeons and nurses working in the hospital this week, and hannah is already out there working with them, so i got to ride out to quiche with them and i will stay for a few days and work with this american team before coming back with hannah on friday. i could then bring a note explaining everything to the doctor there who would do this man’s blood work, and thomas would stay with this man during his hospital stay and help translate and such, and then he would bring him back home by bus.

so, this morning aaron, thomas, and i set off for quiche, planning on picking up this man at the designated spot along the way, about 30 minutes into the trip, at 7:00 am. at 7:30, we hoped he was simply running on “guatemalan time,” so we went ahead on the road a little bit to a house where a widowed lady and her son were in need of food. we dropped off some food to her and came back to the point in the road to wait for the man. at about 8:30, we called leslie to see if she knew where the man lived. she didn’t. finally around 9:00, we were left with little choice but to continue on without him. aaron was not surprised by the fact that he didn’t show up, and later when i questioned leslie, she told me she wasn’t either; she was surprised he even agreed to go to the hospital in the first place.

i am left with many questions, little answers, and prayers that seem to be stopped by the ceiling. how do you help people who will not help themselves? how do you keep yourself from caring about someone more than he cares about himself? how do you respect the culture in which you are working, yet still help to affect change? and how do you determine what those changes are even supposed to be?

please note

2006-08-11T16:18:00.000-05:00

these next few posts are all posted on the same day, but they were written over the course of a couple weeks in which i did not have internet access. also, due to the fact that my camera has gone missing, the pictures are from the first time i was here for three weeks in june. they were taken by mark sweet, a professional photographer.

la cucaracha, mi amiga

2006-08-01T17:00:00.000-05:00

i did not sleep well last night. i wish that i could say that it was because i was up all night praying for the people of guatemala, or because i worked on my spanish late into the night and got up early to help make breakfast. but that would be a lie.

the truth is that last night i went to the bathroom right before going to bed and discovered one of the many creatures that guatemala has to offer: the cockroach. although, to call it a cockroach feels cheap, like something is missing in the mental image that word portrays. it seems more accurate to describe it as a small rodent disguised as a cockroach. honestly, if i had not been told that someone had seen a cockroach in the bathroom, i would have believed i had just seen a mouse fly out from under the sink and scurry somewhere towards the vicinity of the bathroom door. i would have known whether it actually made it out the bathroom door or not, but first of all, i was not wearing my glasses so i really couldn't see where it went, and second of all, by the time i could look to see where it had gone, i was already standing with one foot on the side of the bathtub and the other on the top of the toilet. still believing that cockroaches are "ground-bound" i proceeded to climb up on the counter next to the sink and crawl across it until i could open the bathroom door and jump out into the hallway before running next door to the room where i was sleeping.

it was at this point that i was informed by my "roomate" (an amazing american lady named bev) that cockroaches can actually crawl up walls and she once found one on the ceiling of one of her friend's classrooms (she is a teacher). i then found out this morning that cockroaches fly. oh, what joy is mine.

it is funny to me the different things that stretch people's faith when they go to other countries. i prayed so hard last night that that cockroach would not crawl into my bed. and then i woke up a few more times and prayed some more. bev even tried to help me get over it by telling me that cockroaches are really quite pretty, and informing me that they are actually revered in some cultures and worn on a necklace... alive. for some strange reason, i did not find any of this comforting. i woke up this morning happy to be in daylight and away from the looming fear of the unknown creatures that might be found in the darkness of a guatemalan night. i have now decided to think of the cockroach as a small bird (it's harmless, about the same size, and flies) and just accept the fact that it is a part of daily life here.

and i will hopefully sleep in peace... until the next "flying, larger-than-normal" creature i find scurrying around the bathroom floors.

guatemala

2006-07-29T18:10:00.000-05:00

"I am still confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27: 13 & 14

well, i have been back on guatemalan dirt for 50 hours and 5 minutes, and i still cannot understand how a place i have lived in for a total of three weeks can feel so much like home. but, they say "home is where the heart is" and God has already started to plant these people and this land deep in the soil of my heart.

we drove the 4 1/2 hour trip from guatemala city to the village of canilla on thursday afternoon, traveling over "roads" that would never qualify as such in america, with drop offs on either side that make the grand canyon look small (okay, maybe an exaggeration... but it sure feels that way when you are sliding around in the mud, eyes closed, arms clutching the person next to you, convinced that you are soon going to be going over the side of the beautiful mountains you find yourself in the middle of... and that's just on the "main road"...), and views that would take your breath away. the roads are lined with corn fields, the green of trees and huge leafy plants, two-room cement buildings that many of these people in the country call home, and colorful cement buildings that make up the tiendas (stores) and homes of those in the villages. but perhaps the most beautiful view is the people themselves; the colorful fabric that makes up the skirts of the indian people, kids in tow, baskets on their heads and babies on their back, as they dilligently work their land. or the more western look of the latins, cowboy boots and hats, sitting tall atop their horses or whizzing by you on their motorcycles.

psalm 27 was one of the passages that grabbed my heart when i was here for three weeks in june, and i find my heart reciting it again many times throughout the day as i start to find my place in this land. i have been reminded that guatemala is full of culture and traditions that hold both beauty and sin, a deep sense of community and a deep sense of corruption. and ultimately, these are people searching for jesus, learning what it is to walk the path walked by christ, and love those around them, same as in america. today was the first day i worked in one of our clinics since the first time i was here, and, as i processed through the day, i found myself writing this to a friend:

today was "a little overwhelming, but wonderful just the same. i think one of the most dangerous things we see here is pneumonia. the nearest hospital is 1 1/2 hours away and they don't really have any equipment, so the next best hospital is 2 1/2 hours away, and they have equipment (like pediatric intubators), but they don't know how to use it, so the best these kids get is oral antibiotics from us or iv antibiotics if they go the hospital. obviously, the iv antibiotics are good, but if these people are going to take the time and resources to go that far to the hospital, then they are usually so bad that they need to be intubated, which does not happen. the first time i was here this summer, we sent a kid home with oral antibiotics and prayers that he would make it. he could barely breathe and we did a nebulizer treatment, but it didn't even touch his condition. it is so sad to think of the fact that these kids are dying of pneumonia, which is totally treatable. there is also a lot of cultural things that i am learning that impact their health state. their ancestors (the mayan indians) worshipped the corn god, so their corn tortilla is everything to them, so they do not rotate crops or value fruits and vegetables as part of their diet or anything. so there are a lot of deficiencies seen from lack of nutrients that are totally "growable" here. it is sad and hard to help them see the need for these other nutrients. it is really a huge reminder, though, of the effects of the spiritual oppression here, and the fact that underlying everything we do, medically or otherwise, the thing that these people really need is jesus. and for that reason, it is a blessing to be serving with a missionary family that understands that. today we were able to pray with a lady whose membranes ruptured in her 21st week of pregnancy and we are pretty sure that they will not be able to save the baby. it is moments like these that remind me why i am doing this."

i pray that your life is full today. and that you too have those moments that remind you that there is a God bigger than us working all out for good, that there is a Truth deeper than what our eyes see, and that you are reminded why you walk the path you walk.

irresponsible, unsafe, rebellious, and stupid

2006-07-11T06:18:00.000-05:00

it is 1:49 am, 95 degrees outside, silent, and i cannot sleep. there is much on my heart and in my head... mostly thoughts jumbled together with few fleeting moments of clarity, usually gone before i can gather them enough to process anything, but yet persistent enough that i cannot quiet them enough to fall asleep. and so, fueled by my little bedside lamp, over the rhine’s drunkard’s prayer cd, and the muddling of my spirit, i attempt at coherence.

something has been gnawing at me. it started while i was in guatemala and it grew stronger after i watched the movie end of the spear the other night. since returning from guatemala, i have felt like i am in a holding period. something inside of me says i should be doing something “productive” to prepare for my trip back: i should be reading about the culture, in a training camp (yeah youth in mission...), learning spanish, brushing up on my theories of missions (haha), trying to cram everything i will need into one 50lb check-in bag, or practicing street dramas in spanish (just kiddin… 8) ). but instead of training camp, it has just been me, with my family, in 107 degree arizona weather, for almost three weeks. and my “preparation ideas” have felt empty and lacking. this morning i woke up crabby and feeling purposeless – again. i found myself complaining to God (again). i started to wonder why it felt like something was not right. i thought about it, and when i had thought too much, i turned on the tv so that i didn’t have to think anymore. and then i did the one thing i should have made my starting point. i knelt down beside my couch and i prayed... really prayed. i prayed for my time here, for my family and my friends, for the guatemalans, for the family i will be staying with, and for the work we will be doing. i started to remember that missions (like life anywhere) is not primarily about my theories and preparations. i opened my bible and started to read through the life of jesus. i came across a man who truly saw people, not agendas. a man who came to bring a personal faith and freedom, not theories and causes driven by governing bodies. a man who went where the poor and needy were because that was where his and his Father's hearts are. a man who came to serve, to love, and to give… even to the point of death. i re-entered the conversation that has been gnawing at me. why are we really here on earth? what is really important in this life?

when i was first watching end of the spear and it got to the scene where the men are killed, my initial reaction was “so these men went into the jungle outside of the governing structure’s permission and guidance, and they got killed. wasn’t that kind of irresponsible? unsafe? maybe even rebellious or just plain stupid?” i don’t know. but i do wonder: when did we agree that listening to the governing bodies around us is more important than listening to the Holy Spirit within us? when did we decide that giving away all we have and going to the live with the poor is irresponsible? when did we start seeking out people to serve and love only when it is “safe” for us (physically, emotionally, spiritually)? and when did we determine that death is failure? the more i read the books of matthew, mark, luke, and john, the more i am convinced that the life that jesus led looks somewhat irresponsible, very unsafe, often rebellious, and sometimes just plain stupid. yet the more i step away from the life the world (even the christian world at times) has determined we should lead, and step into a life of following the beckoning of the holy spirit and the footsteps of jesus, the more i am convinced that there is no other way to live. i do not know the hearts of nate saint, jim elliot, pete fleming, ed mccully, and roger youderian, but that is not for me to resolve. i do know that there is a reason each of us was placed on this earth and that there is a path that has been walked before us. and i know that we must learn to walk that path, even though at times it seems irresponsible, rebellious, stupid, and unsafe… even though it leads to our death.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot

grand canyon, guatemala, and mat kearney

2006-06-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

these are some of my favorite pics and lyrics from mat kearney... check him out...

i meant it all and every part
and every word right from the start
i’ll never let this love fall in the middle
‘cause you know you broke the hardest part
you know you broke the hardest heart
i’ll never let this love fall in the middle through it all

no parachutes or safety nets here
one foot on the water to face these fears
coming out strong like i can’t be wrong
i said eh, i wont fall in the middle

i’m gonna be alright
with you through this fight...
through it all...

walking on

2006-06-28T12:24:00.000-05:00

if there is one thing i have learned for certain in this life, it is that life is not certain. right now, i should be in a car on my way to chicago to pick up all of my things from storage before moving to north carolina where i would be starting a job on a medical-telemetry unit. instead, i am sitting on my bed in casa grande, arizona beginning a blog that will be my primary source of communication with my friends and family for the next 10 months as i live in canilla, a small village in guatemala. i am learning that this road of life does not usually shine with a beaming path of streetlights, but instead glows from a dimly-lit lamp that just barely reveals the few steps for the moment. and, while the Guide places dreams in our hearts and visions in our heads of what is to come, he does not seem inclined to show us the map that reveals when and why and how those dreams and visions become a reality.

in november of last year, i attended a medical missions conference and felt that god was leading me overseas for six months after i graduated. i was excited. for three months, i grasped at the dream of mine to return to kenya, africa and practice nursing. i pounded on every door i could find and pursued every opportunity until i was completely out of options and energy. i finally found myself crying to god, "where are you in this? you called and then you abandoned me!" and there it was, smacking me in the face. in the pursuit of ministry and the god-given desires of my heart, i had failed to simply pursue god, to trust him, to follow him daily, to worship him for who he is outside of me. it is a lot easier to take out my own flashlight and start wildly looking for where the path to the promises is leading, than to hide the promise in my heart, look back at the face of the Giver, place my hand back in His, and keep walking, one step at a time, trusting that the promises will be fulfilled without my help.

so, i held a little more loosely to the dream of going back overseas for six months and walked each day as doors opened for me to move to north carolina and live by friends dear to my heart. i planned a trip to guatemala for three weeks to stay with a friend of mine and her family. her mom is a nurse and i got to go with her to each clinic. it was beautiful and heart-wrenching all at the same time. to look into eyes that have seen more pain in their first five years than i have known in my twenty-three, yet hold more strength and depth than i may ever realize. to hear the sweetness of laughter in the midst of hunger and death. "to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 27), even when it is a struggle to be living. i have never felt so needed and yet so useless. so full of purpose, yet seeking direction. but, my heart was stirred in a way it hasn't been since i was in kenya, and it was like God whispered to my soul, "this is why i have created you."

and yet, while this means everything, this means nothing. i was talking to a dear friend of mine a couple of days ago, and she asked me why i was going back. i started explaining, but finally we concluded that none of these reasons are reasons to go back if it is not where God is leading. and so instead i have looked at how over the past few weeks in the midst of confusion, doubt, tears, laughter, the joys and pains of my desires, i have had to hide all of these deep in my heart, look back into the face of my Father, grasp onto his hand, and keep walking, one step at a time, trusting that he will reveal all in His time. "...be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (more of Psalm 27).

i do not know why this happened the way it did. i do not know why god allowed me to struggle over a decision of which state to move to and which job to take after graduation if it was all going to change anyway. but, i am learning that this journey is not just about the end results of the decisions we make, but it is also about the person that making these decisions changes us into. i may not be in north carolina this fall, but through that decision-making process, i learned that i need people and that true community is more important to me than almost anything, even the ideal job. i learned that many times decisions must be made before all the pieces have fallen into place (and i learned that this is scary... hehe) i learned that there are times we have to stand strong in our decisions even when people close to us will be hurt or may not understand, and so much more. and through making these decisions my heart grew in ways that cannot be simply cast aside.

and so i keep walking. the light from the lamp may not be far-reaching, the road may be rocky or paved, there are times when the Guide's voice may be faint and i may even fall off the road at times. but tears or laughter, hard or easy, almost running or barely moving, i am walking on.