irresponsible, unsafe, rebellious, and stupid
it is 1:49 am, 95 degrees outside, silent, and i cannot sleep. there is much on my heart and in my head... mostly thoughts jumbled together with few fleeting moments of clarity, usually gone before i can gather them enough to process anything, but yet persistent enough that i cannot quiet them enough to fall asleep. and so, fueled by my little bedside lamp, over the rhine’s drunkard’s prayer cd, and the muddling of my spirit, i attempt at coherence.
something has been gnawing at me. it started while i was in guatemala and it grew stronger after i watched the movie end of the spear the other night. since returning from guatemala, i have felt like i am in a holding period. something inside of me says i should be doing something “productive” to prepare for my trip back: i should be reading about the culture, in a training camp (yeah youth in mission...), learning spanish, brushing up on my theories of missions (haha), trying to cram everything i will need into one 50lb check-in bag, or practicing street dramas in spanish (just kiddin… 8) ). but instead of training camp, it has just been me, with my family, in 107 degree arizona weather, for almost three weeks. and my “preparation ideas” have felt empty and lacking. this morning i woke up crabby and feeling purposeless – again. i found myself complaining to God (again). i started to wonder why it felt like something was not right. i thought about it, and when i had thought too much, i turned on the tv so that i didn’t have to think anymore. and then i did the one thing i should have made my starting point. i knelt down beside my couch and i prayed... really prayed. i prayed for my time here, for my family and my friends, for the guatemalans, for the family i will be staying with, and for the work we will be doing. i started to remember that missions (like life anywhere) is not primarily about my theories and preparations. i opened my bible and started to read through the life of jesus. i came across a man who truly saw people, not agendas. a man who came to bring a personal faith and freedom, not theories and causes driven by governing bodies. a man who went where the poor and needy were because that was where his and his Father's hearts are. a man who came to serve, to love, and to give… even to the point of death. i re-entered the conversation that has been gnawing at me. why are we really here on earth? what is really important in this life?
when i was first watching end of the spear and it got to the scene where the men are killed, my initial reaction was “so these men went into the jungle outside of the governing structure’s permission and guidance, and they got killed. wasn’t that kind of irresponsible? unsafe? maybe even rebellious or just plain stupid?” i don’t know. but i do wonder: when did we agree that listening to the governing bodies around us is more important than listening to the Holy Spirit within us? when did we decide that giving away all we have and going to the live with the poor is irresponsible? when did we start seeking out people to serve and love only when it is “safe” for us (physically, emotionally, spiritually)? and when did we determine that death is failure? the more i read the books of matthew, mark, luke, and john, the more i am convinced that the life that jesus led looks somewhat irresponsible, very unsafe, often rebellious, and sometimes just plain stupid. yet the more i step away from the life the world (even the christian world at times) has determined we should lead, and step into a life of following the beckoning of the holy spirit and the footsteps of jesus, the more i am convinced that there is no other way to live. i do not know the hearts of nate saint, jim elliot, pete fleming, ed mccully, and roger youderian, but that is not for me to resolve. i do know that there is a reason each of us was placed on this earth and that there is a path that has been walked before us. and i know that we must learn to walk that path, even though at times it seems irresponsible, rebellious, stupid, and unsafe… even though it leads to our death.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot
something has been gnawing at me. it started while i was in guatemala and it grew stronger after i watched the movie end of the spear the other night. since returning from guatemala, i have felt like i am in a holding period. something inside of me says i should be doing something “productive” to prepare for my trip back: i should be reading about the culture, in a training camp (yeah youth in mission...), learning spanish, brushing up on my theories of missions (haha), trying to cram everything i will need into one 50lb check-in bag, or practicing street dramas in spanish (just kiddin… 8) ). but instead of training camp, it has just been me, with my family, in 107 degree arizona weather, for almost three weeks. and my “preparation ideas” have felt empty and lacking. this morning i woke up crabby and feeling purposeless – again. i found myself complaining to God (again). i started to wonder why it felt like something was not right. i thought about it, and when i had thought too much, i turned on the tv so that i didn’t have to think anymore. and then i did the one thing i should have made my starting point. i knelt down beside my couch and i prayed... really prayed. i prayed for my time here, for my family and my friends, for the guatemalans, for the family i will be staying with, and for the work we will be doing. i started to remember that missions (like life anywhere) is not primarily about my theories and preparations. i opened my bible and started to read through the life of jesus. i came across a man who truly saw people, not agendas. a man who came to bring a personal faith and freedom, not theories and causes driven by governing bodies. a man who went where the poor and needy were because that was where his and his Father's hearts are. a man who came to serve, to love, and to give… even to the point of death. i re-entered the conversation that has been gnawing at me. why are we really here on earth? what is really important in this life?
when i was first watching end of the spear and it got to the scene where the men are killed, my initial reaction was “so these men went into the jungle outside of the governing structure’s permission and guidance, and they got killed. wasn’t that kind of irresponsible? unsafe? maybe even rebellious or just plain stupid?” i don’t know. but i do wonder: when did we agree that listening to the governing bodies around us is more important than listening to the Holy Spirit within us? when did we decide that giving away all we have and going to the live with the poor is irresponsible? when did we start seeking out people to serve and love only when it is “safe” for us (physically, emotionally, spiritually)? and when did we determine that death is failure? the more i read the books of matthew, mark, luke, and john, the more i am convinced that the life that jesus led looks somewhat irresponsible, very unsafe, often rebellious, and sometimes just plain stupid. yet the more i step away from the life the world (even the christian world at times) has determined we should lead, and step into a life of following the beckoning of the holy spirit and the footsteps of jesus, the more i am convinced that there is no other way to live. i do not know the hearts of nate saint, jim elliot, pete fleming, ed mccully, and roger youderian, but that is not for me to resolve. i do know that there is a reason each of us was placed on this earth and that there is a path that has been walked before us. and i know that we must learn to walk that path, even though at times it seems irresponsible, rebellious, stupid, and unsafe… even though it leads to our death.
"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliot
posted by katie at 6:18 AM
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