unexpected realizations
thursday, august 31
i knew the point would come sooner or later. it was a point that i had not experienced in the other trips i had gone on, and it was why i wanted to come down here for longer than 2 months.
it started a few weeks ago. things were starting to lose their newness: i started to recognize people that we had seen before in the clinic, i was beginning to anticipate what would come next on the road we were traveling on, i was starting to learn what we would buy at market on friday night, i was getting used to the drone of spanish and quiche everywhere we go. and with this loss of newness came some unexpected realizations: i do not know spanish well enough to understand a sermon or a story that does not involve the person having a fever, cough, or headache; nursing, while a tool God uses to reach others with His love, still comes with responsibilities and critical thinking and the possibility of causing fatal accidents (don't worry... no, i did not kill anyone...); that i really have little to offer these people that i find myself in the midst of, a people that does not have to accept me or my God, a people that has their own history, their own traditions, their own way of creating and living life on this earth; that i am going to lose some friends, friends i thought to be good friends, because of this path i have chosen to take; and, that even when living in guatemala, there is still lunch to be made, laundry to be done, babies to be taken care of, and schoolwork and lessons to be taught.
as i told my mother, "the honeymoon phase is ending."
but, while i thought this to not be the greatest thing ever at that time, i have since made some other unexpected realizations: learning spanish is not unattainable and is not only about the language itself, but i am also learning so much about these people as i learn their language; nursing, while holding the potential to end life, also holds an amazing potential to give life, both in aiding with the birth of a new life and in aiding with the quality of a life already begun; i may have little to offer these people right now, but i serve a God who reveals His strength in our weakness and whose plans surpass ours in greatness, love, and grace; that there are different seasons to every life lived, and with that, there are some friendships that are made for different seasons and some that will last throughout the whole of our lives; and that there is a joy that is found only in the little things: making a new meal for lunch that even david ate, remembering to take the clothes out of the dryer and hanging them up before they smell musty (even though you failed to remember that it is the rainy season, and those newly hung up clothes were soon enduring the late afternoon rainstorm), the purity of sleep that only comes after staying up with a screaming sick baby who is also finally having dreams of her own, and being able to help someone learn to love to play an instrument that has also brought such enjoyment to your life.
the older i get, the more i am learning that life is not about me. and that is a good thing. i didn't know what would happen when i got down here; i definitely didn't expect to change as much as i already have. but, as the honeymoon phase begins its end, i am finding something deeper than the excitement of "newness" and all that it carries with it. i am seeing God move among the ordinary, the struggle, and the routine of daily living. and as my own excitement at learning and seeing a new culture is starting to become mixed with the realities of the above realizations, i am finding that God is growing in my heart a love for these people, a love for this culture and this country instead of me trying to love those around me out of my own strength, which is a pool i am learning is actually quite shallow and inadequate on its own.
i knew the point would come sooner or later. it was a point that i had not experienced in the other trips i had gone on, and it was why i wanted to come down here for longer than 2 months.
it started a few weeks ago. things were starting to lose their newness: i started to recognize people that we had seen before in the clinic, i was beginning to anticipate what would come next on the road we were traveling on, i was starting to learn what we would buy at market on friday night, i was getting used to the drone of spanish and quiche everywhere we go. and with this loss of newness came some unexpected realizations: i do not know spanish well enough to understand a sermon or a story that does not involve the person having a fever, cough, or headache; nursing, while a tool God uses to reach others with His love, still comes with responsibilities and critical thinking and the possibility of causing fatal accidents (don't worry... no, i did not kill anyone...); that i really have little to offer these people that i find myself in the midst of, a people that does not have to accept me or my God, a people that has their own history, their own traditions, their own way of creating and living life on this earth; that i am going to lose some friends, friends i thought to be good friends, because of this path i have chosen to take; and, that even when living in guatemala, there is still lunch to be made, laundry to be done, babies to be taken care of, and schoolwork and lessons to be taught.
as i told my mother, "the honeymoon phase is ending."
but, while i thought this to not be the greatest thing ever at that time, i have since made some other unexpected realizations: learning spanish is not unattainable and is not only about the language itself, but i am also learning so much about these people as i learn their language; nursing, while holding the potential to end life, also holds an amazing potential to give life, both in aiding with the birth of a new life and in aiding with the quality of a life already begun; i may have little to offer these people right now, but i serve a God who reveals His strength in our weakness and whose plans surpass ours in greatness, love, and grace; that there are different seasons to every life lived, and with that, there are some friendships that are made for different seasons and some that will last throughout the whole of our lives; and that there is a joy that is found only in the little things: making a new meal for lunch that even david ate, remembering to take the clothes out of the dryer and hanging them up before they smell musty (even though you failed to remember that it is the rainy season, and those newly hung up clothes were soon enduring the late afternoon rainstorm), the purity of sleep that only comes after staying up with a screaming sick baby who is also finally having dreams of her own, and being able to help someone learn to love to play an instrument that has also brought such enjoyment to your life.
the older i get, the more i am learning that life is not about me. and that is a good thing. i didn't know what would happen when i got down here; i definitely didn't expect to change as much as i already have. but, as the honeymoon phase begins its end, i am finding something deeper than the excitement of "newness" and all that it carries with it. i am seeing God move among the ordinary, the struggle, and the routine of daily living. and as my own excitement at learning and seeing a new culture is starting to become mixed with the realities of the above realizations, i am finding that God is growing in my heart a love for these people, a love for this culture and this country instead of me trying to love those around me out of my own strength, which is a pool i am learning is actually quite shallow and inadequate on its own.
posted by katie at 10:30 AM
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